Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Miami

Nikki writes in:

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Hey DB1-

-Nikki
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I hadn’t heard of cross polinization within various douchal ecosystems, Nikki, so I will look into this phenomenon.

The douche in search of warmer weather, moving to Florida. Interesting. It’s like my grandparents, only with more hair gel and less Early Bird Specials.

M&Ms

Ya know, I was feeling good this morning.

I slept well. I had a hearty breakfast of Lucky Charms and Yoohoo. I fed the dobermans and put out some yak’s milk for the alpacas.

Then I gotta turn on my computer and see this atrocity.

Eminem wannabes and some trashy 2am bar girls. Megods, there is no morality or sanity in this dark and cold universe.

Now where’d I put my socks?

The Preppy 'Bag

We haven’t had a good private school attending trust fund inheriting argyle wearing preppy douche in quite awhile.

Not that Andre $29.99 is that Prepster.

Drunk pouty Camilla is a Danish Au Pair of confused befuddlement. I would help her read the subway map and smile delightfully at her broken English, only to accompany her back to her rich employer’s summer home in the Hamptons and make out on Grammy Wilson’s rocking chair.

Hmm. That fantasy may have gotten away from me there.

Reader Mail

Ruth writes in:

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So, DB1, I just got back from a family vacation to Orlando. Parents, sister, brother in law, nieces (3 and 1 years old)…

Ruth
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Teach the young one well, Ruth, and when she’s appropriately trained to mock the douche, I will then hit on her, stare at her boobs, then borrow fifty bucks which I’ll blow on Pop Rocks and Red Bull.

After she turns 18, of course.

EDIT: For work readers, The Gator stepped in to cover up the nipple slip.

Slim Jim

Slim Jim Troll Doll may be the nicest looking douche that is undeniably douchey we’ve ever had.

At first I want to mock his silly exposed undershirt and fruffy hair, and even point out the subtle Mark of the ‘Bag on his forehead (the shine that makes the shape of shlong-n-balls).

But then I kind of just want to pat him on the head, buy him an ice-cream, and send him home.

And then slather Charlize Theron Doll with melted salsa cheese before rolling her and her two lovely friends in a giant tortilla shell and then munching on all three like a drunk koala in Uttar Pradesh.

Lets Party, Bra!!

Fellow Broheims!! Jus’ wanted to say thanks for voting me and my sexy little Maria your Hot Chick with Douchebag of the Week, bras!!!

Bra!!

HCwDB of the Week: Bra!!

Broheim!! Guess who won the HCwDB of the Week, bra? Another Pepsi, bro!!

It was a tight race between Bra and DNA Dan, but Bra rocked the star tatt to victory. In an excellent and hilarious comments thread (props to everyone who voted), the people spoke, and they spoke braly:

Rocko: Bra! Easily Bra!

Steve Douchemi: Bra! I gotta vote for Bra, bra.

Corbin: Bra! most definitely

Husker Douche: Bra! Duude, I’m the effin douchebag of the week bra! Seriously Bra, I’m gonna effin nail SO MANY BITCHES!!! Yo baby, kiss the star and you can be my star, no seriously, I wanna be Bras with your bra, give it to daddy.

Exactly. And Cool Hand Douche reminds us not to leave out that compact package of hottness on Bra’s arm:

She is the lovin’ spoonful that helps the medicine go down. I’d detail Bra’s white Miata just to catch a glimpse of her posterior in jean shorts in the side mirror.

Well put, CHD, and note the affectionate embrace she’s got under Bra’s bra. Carl Lazlo agrees:

Brosef Bag. Star tats, flexed biceps, pucker faced and hand fake gang gestures guarantee a victory. Add in the dual chains (with charms) and the fact that he isnt wearing any shorts, and I say brosef is the winner. Little Shannon Doherty hott is deliteful.

Well put Lazlo, now get back to the basement lab. However, anonydouche notes the shirtless factor in the club, and casts in with DNA Dan:

my vote goes to DNA Dan – at least Bra is outside and has a valid reason for not wearing a shirt

As does samantha:

DNA Dan, although I feel sort of bad because I can tell he’s only about 2 IQ points above mentally retarded. But maybe it’s that, combined with Librarian Hott’s glasses that really cinches it for me.

Excellent taste in hotts, Sammy. But leader of the band (norcal chapter) reminds us not to forget about the Gospel of Vin:

With references to scripture, I’d have to vote Vinny. No need to mention the checklist of what makes him one. The light on his face is like the hand of God pointing a yellow-bulbed flashlight at his face telling us this simple word, “Douchebag!”

Well put LotB(nc). But this is Broheim’s week. A number of readers noted that Bra has upgraded Ubiquitous Red Cup with some Pepsi sponsorship. Very impressive. And as the everpresent anonymous hits the nail on the head:

Bra FTW! DNA Dan looks more like a science experiment than a douche. Bra, however, is everything that makes me want to remove my skin with a vegetable peeler after going out on a Saturday night.

Raise his Star Tatt to the rafters. Bra will be formidable in the Monthly.

Mo Fo

PIC DELETED

For the reading impaired, the shirt reads Mo Money, Mo Bitches.

Which is almost as impressive as the fact that sleepwalking Roberto Bagnigni is actually making a hand gesture while in his zombified state.

Long Island Hott is the best hostess at Flingers since Jennifer Aniston quit.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag: Gym Carrey

I’m not sure if Gym Carrey really deserves ‘bag status or not, so I figured I’d open it up to the floor for discussion.

Is the earring, greasy hair, overly developed pecs and smug expression enough to stamp douche?

And why is Stripper McPosture sipping a cup with cigarette butts in it?

But the one thing we do know is that this guy is still a huge douche. Self-reflexive irony won’t save you from the cold, hard truth, Mayerbag.

Back in Rehab, No No No No

Yes, it’s that time of the year again. Sunday morning Rehab has begun again at the Hard Rock, Vegas.

This message brought to you by the Center for Disease Control. Please don’t drink the water.

No, seriously. It’s cloudy. And milky gray.