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Sunday, June 8, 2008
Sundays in the Park with Jorge
Sometimes, on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you just gotta put on your best checkered tablecloth vest, blow-dry your mullet, and be the ball.
Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You
…. but what you can do for your country.
Why Dane Cook is a Huge Bag of Douche
By now, pretty much everyone knows Dane Cook is a huge douche.
But how many people have explained exactly why is Dane Cook a huge bag of douche?
That is the question.
Here is a media concocted pseudo-comedian with less talent than a stuttering Screech and whiter teeth than Tony Robbins bursting onto the scene in one giant toxic swirl of unfunny. Then, in no time, amplifying from 0 to 60 up the multimedia stratus of accomplishment in a blazing hail of lame frat jokes and physical hand gestures.
Headlining tour. HBO special. Late night appearances. Each media outlet carefully built to feed off the others, package together, and launch “Dane Cook” into the mass consciousness as the next “comedy superstar.”
We were told we liked him. We were told other people liked him. Which meant we must like him, too. Because they liked him. And they are we.
Only unlike the organic and legit accomplishment of, say, the talented Steve Carrell, who actually earned his place at the top by being funny, Cook’s force-fed limelight down all of our collective throats has caused the collective regurgitating response. The clarion call to focus all this noise around something, anything real: A begging we are all making of his sorry, generic ass: DO SOMETHING REAL.
Say something authentic. Express a genuine emotion. Have an opinion. Offer a joke that actually might piss someone off.
Because simply being unfunny isn’t enough of an offense by Cook. If simply being “unfunny “meant you were a douche, mid 1990s Robin Williams would’ve grown a rubber bag out of his ass and cleansed women’s private hoohoos from here to Bangledesh.
Which, come to think of it, may have actually happened.
No, what makes Dane Cook a huge douche is his carefully softened “injury free” safe ride of genericism. His media constructed “regular guy” persona. His genericized jokes of pure pablum, meant to vaguely invoke nostalgic memories of your drunk college best friend while carefully designed to offend absolutely no one.
Cook is the sackless tamper-proof Hollywood creation of genericized un-humor sold as pseudo-humor and operating as placebo effect. An opinion-free puddle of blandified “good looks” carefully designed and set up to sell across multiple medium platforms. Dane Cook isn’t a human being, he’s a focus tested brand. A career built soft-drink. Selling out every ounce of originality in the hope of suckling from the mass processed cookie cutter rewards offered by the 24/7 media age.
I’m not saying every comedian has to take on the edge of genius that the late, great Bill Hicks and brilliant Mitch Hedberg brought on stage with them. Jerry Seinfeld isn’t exactly cutting edge, but no one’s calling Jerry Seinfeld a huge douche.
Because Seinfeld was who he was.
Dane Cook wouldn’t know what he was if you asked him to look for it. The self has no place when the image transcends all, and the rewards justify the vacuity.
Dane Cook is a focus tested girl scout cookie. A packaged “best friend drinking buddy” for guys, “sweet former boyfriend who listens and cares” for girls. He has one and only one role in his theater of the self — ingratiate all, offend none. The “superfinger” his carefully constructed “naughty” bit to extend just to the margins of PG-13 ratings. Just enough to earn his “cred,” before Cook runs off to above-the-title the next Jessica Simpson uncomedy.
For that, and those stupid-ass hairdos, you, Dane Cook, are elevated into the pantheon of celebridouche.
Now get off the stage, assface.
Friday, June 6, 2008Chippy II
There was some doubt about whether April’s Chippy was a douche or just the luckiest Eric Estrada CHiPs looking mofo to cross the site in some time.
This pic answers that query.
Chippy is rank.
Friday, June 6, 2008Wheatstalks II
Last summer’s spiky haired corn harvest douche, Wheatstalks, is back, although as bouncy as Chiquita is, with a bit of a hott downgrade.
Unfortunately it looks like this year’s crop is getting a little thinner there, ‘Stalkboy.
Did Kevin Costner build a baseball field up there?
Friday, June 6, 2008He's Alwayz Down for Wuteva
Today’s Neo-Modernist Facebook Poetry selection comes from He’s Always Down for Wuteva:
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~~ Lets see…IM ALWAYZ DOWN FOR WUTEVA, AND IF U KNOW ME THEN U KNOW THATZ THE TRUTH. Im an animal at partyz, i live it up for the memories and when i cant remember s@#t the next day i just smile and knew it wuz a good night….No matter what comes my way i take it and roll wit it, cuz “YA’LL NIGGAZ CANT TAKE MUH PRIDE, YA’LL NIGGAZ CANT HOOOLD ME DOWN, OH NO I GOT TO KEEP ON MOVINNN.”
Im movin at a fast pace and if u wit me then itz gonna get HECTIC but if u cant keep up ya gonna get left behind……Im just feelin good 24/7 and nothing can phase me at this point, I got mi familia here and thatz all i need. Juss appreciating wut i got….Everythingz goin my way, so when u see me ya gonna see a grin ear to ear. BY THE WAY TRUE PEOPLEZ CALL ME “JP”, other than that aint much more to say, ya wanna know more guess ya just gonna have to find out ur damn self….Im
OUTTTYYYYYY…..ONE~~
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Hmm. Sort of reminds me of another “JP” on this site.
Note how He’s Alwayz Down for Wuteva invokes a post-structuralist inversion of power as challenge to authority in his use of “Niggaz” as a pejorative for those who attempt to “take his pride.” This meta-commentary on linguistic slippage within ethnic power relations and construction of identity foregrounds the violence of embedded language structures by inverting dominant meaning codes.
Or he just sucks balls.
Friday, June 6, 2008As You Spike It
Blow, blow, thou greasy wind!
Thou are not as unkind as a douche’s scrotitude. True it is that we have seen better days. And by better, I mean less douchey.
For all the world is a stage, and all the ‘bags and hotts merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one douche smells like poo.
Lithe Rosalind, how dost thou not wear librarian glasses? How now?
For ever and a day, I would hump thy teddybear. For ever and a day…
— As You Spike It
William Scrotespeare
Friday Haiku
Follicles erupt.
Audrina Hott confused. “Zonj?”
God kicks a puppy.
implant funbags round
cretinous slime snuggles hott
hairspray pollutes pool
— ‘bag lanta
jimmy neutron douche
asian breasts next to the zonj
rehab. no, no, no.
– bcs
Kick bag in the nuts,
Oh quartasian boobies,
me love you long time
— douche bigalow
Tia Carrere
and douchebag Zonj McChoadie
star in “The Fly III”
— k-dog
Balloons ’bout to pop,
Keep away from cactus hair!
Douchebag of the week?
— blair
Thursday, June 5, 2008Study: Marked Up Birds Exude Testosterone
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WASHINGTON (AP) — A little strategically placed makeup quickly turns the wimpiest of male barn swallows into chick magnets, amping up their testosterone and even trimming their weight, new research shows.
It’s a “clothes make the man” lesson that — with some caveats — also applies to human males, researchers say.
Using a $5.99 marker, scientists darkened the rust-colored breast feathers of male New Jersey barn swallows, turning lighter birds to the level of those naturally darkest.
They had already found, in a test three years ago, that the marked-up males were more attractive to females and mated more often. This time they found out that the more attractive appearance, at least in the bird world, triggered changes to the animals’ body chemistry, increasing testosterone.
“Other females might be looking at them as being a little more sexy, and the birds might be feeling better about themselves in response to that,” said study co-author Kevin McGraw, an evolutionary biology professor at Arizona State University.
McGraw said the findings are surprising, in part because the hormonal changes occurred after only one week.
The study was published in Tuesday’s edition of the journal Current Biology.
In the 30 male barn swallows who were darkened, testosterone was up 36 percent after one week, during a time of year when levels of that hormone would normally drop.
At the same time, testosterone levels in the 33 birds that didn’t get the coloring treatment fell by half, said lead author Rebecca Safran, an evolutionary biology professor at the University of Colorado in Boulder.
“It’s the `clothes make the man'” idea, Safran said. “It’s like you walk down the street and you’re driving a Rolls Royce and people notice. And your physiology accommodates this.”
Before you feel superior to these birds, Safran cautioned, people’s mating systems are more similar to birds’ than we might like to admit.
Barn swallows are “socially monogamous and genetically promiscuous, same as humans,” she said. “There are some interesting parallels, but we do need to be careful about making them.”
In people, hormonal changes have been observed after changes in behavior. A 1998 study found that loyal male fans of sports teams experienced a 20 percent rise in testosterone when their teams won.
The researchers aren’t certain how the testosterone boost happens. It could be that because of the darkened color, the birds mate more often and that changes their testosterone levels.
It could also be that because of the darkened color, other males think the pecking order has changed and that boosts the darker swallows’ hormone levels. Or it could be both. The authors said figuring out which theory is right is the next step.
The birds’ weight loss is more easily explained, Safran said. The more macho swallows could be spending more time mating than eating or working off the calories, she said.
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This explains much, but does it explain groin tatts?
Thursday, June 5, 2008Ask DB1: The Business Scrote
PIC DELETED
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DB1-
How do I spot a DB in the work environment if I don’t
own a gym? I’m originally from northern Jersey ( the good part ) so I am very comfortable spotting ‘bags due to early exposure to their toxic society.
But I feel that unless they are in construction, car sales, or personal trainers you never see them in white collar positions- are they here? If so, where? In the business world, do they disguise themselves?
– J-Vol
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What you’re describing is the tagging of the white collar douche, or what those at the Smithsonian have labeled The Business Scrote.
While tagging a Business Scrote is harder than, say, tagging a Jerz Guid, it can still be done. But very rarely in the work environment itself. One must position one’s self in after-work hangouts to capture the Business Scrote in a moment of relaxation, and thus, revelation.
Once you’ve tagged a Business Scrote, wait until they turn to their buddy “Chet,” to discuss a hedge fund, then move in quickly to liberate the hott by casually mentioning your enjoyment of the songs of crooner Michael Bolton (mention you “celebrate his entire catalogue.”)
Unless they’re reading the Wall Street Journal. At that point, just kick them in the nads.
