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Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Topanga
Ah, Topanga.
My little melon ball of plump tomato 1990s Boy Meets World jailbait hott.
All grown up, and no longer pretending to like a Savage Brother.
I would douse thee with a firehose, then mop the floor with the sweat from my brow as I worshiped your thighs with pickled jellies and a small bowl of borscht.
As to the goofy-ass clown you’ve acquired during your ‘bag-sweep of the club, please cast him back to Frat Row where he can acquire a Ubiquitous Red Cup in peace. His beads and hat tilt smell like desperation.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008Chesteration H
As if we needed further proof that clubgoing skeeze-buckets are giant dancing sphincters comes this story from ABC News:
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Preparation H Finds Place in Club Circuit
Men May Be Clueless About the Real Effects of the Ointment
June 2, 2008
New York bouncer, blogger and author Rob Fitzgerald has noticed a trend among many of the macho young men waiting outside his clubs. He says the guys are slathering up their torsos with the hemorrhoid cream Preparation H to make themselves look “ripped” for the ladies.
Fitzgerald asked one of these guys to describe the practice for his blog, Clublife, “The way you use it is to take your shirt off and rub it all over yourself before you go to the club,” a man who gave the alias, Peter Minichiello, says. “If you want to get [lucky], you have to know how to dance, and if you want girls to dance with you, you have to look ripped.”
The idea is a bad imitation of a flab spot-treatment secret used by bodybuilders before a competition. But the clubbers who lube up may not like to hear what the medicine in Preparation H actually does to their frame or the real health risks it can pose.
Bodybuilders and Posers
“The bodybuilders I know use it on their obliques — their love handles — to take away any lingering water weight before shows,” Fitzgerald told ABC News. “The guys in the clubs heard about this, and the use of it spread virally like some kind of Internet meme.”
Preparation H contains a medication called phenylephrine HCL that — when used for the drug’s intended purpose — will shrink the swollen tissues of hemorrhoids. It works by constricting the nearby blood vessels that feed blood and fluid to the area.
But the ingredient doesn’t discriminate what kind of tissue it will shrink, hence the underground beauty tips of applying Preparation H under the eyes, on love handles or other places. None of which Wyeth, the makers of Preparation H, support.
“Applying it to one’s chest is an off-label use of Preparation H,” said Milicent Brooks, a representative of Wyeth Consumer Healthcare. “We don’t approve or endorse any off-label uses.”
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Read the rest about the end of civilization on ABC’s website here.
Or, if you need a break from giant arseholes rubbing hemorrhoid cream on their abs, enjoy proud “gudio” Brianna Frost taking a face full of floor (NSFW) as she learns the ways of the amateur stripper media whore.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008Caption This Pic
‘Eyebrows taste like Taco Bell!’ thought Tony before Tonya hit him in the head with a Flowbee.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008The Real World: Joeywood
Emails have been pouring in since the new season of The Real World began that I should feature preening greaseball Jersey beach trash “Joey” on the site.
Is Joey a scrotal fungus of club culture greased up backwash? Let me consult my Magic 8-Ball:
The DB1 shakes his Magic 8-Ball, and no, this is not a euphemism for fondling myself.
DB1: Magic 8-Ball. Is Joey from The Real World Hollywood a huge douche?
Magic 8-Ball: Are you serious? Is this even a question?
DB1: Well, I thought I’d be fair about it and give him a chance.
Magic 8-Ball: Give it up, fondleboy, calling Joey a douche is like predicting tomorrow’s weather will include air. Now put me back in the closet next to your stuffed giraffe and let my blue water congeal in peace.
Well, looks like we didn’t need Magic 8-Ball after all. Regardless, Joey’s mom is hott.
So here he is, Real World fans. Bulgy, spiky, and smelling like a mixture between Axe Bodyspray and foot fungus. Joey from The Real World: Hollywood. Certified Real Douche.
Monday, June 2, 2008The Oompa Prompas Need a Date
Notice anything missing from this pic?
Yes, it’s true. The Oompa Prompas have lost their dates.
Can you help them find a nice girl for prom?
Photoshop yourself or your loved one into this pic and send it along with your prom story to me here at HCwDB.com.
Because no one should be dateless and burnt umber on prom night.
Not even the Oompa Prompas.
Monday, June 2, 2008The Unbearable Lightness of Chest Shaving
It’s like The Newscaster from The Muppet Show found The Elfstones of Shannara, got his body shaved like Jim Carrey by Julie Brown in Earth Girls are Easy, pulled on Georgie, Pete and Dim’s suspenders from A Clockwork Orange, then fell in love with Lena Olin after wandering through Prague in Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
Ouch.
I just pulled a muscle pop-culture referencing beyond the legal speed limit.
I need to stick to American Idol references while I set the cycle on “spin.”
Monday, June 2, 2008Brianna Frost is a Guidette
YouTube sensation (codeword for “person I’ve never heard of”) and nude something-or-other Brianna Frost wants y’all to like know that like she’s a guidette and proud of it. Here she is answering some fan mail:
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From: BRIANNA FROST
Date: May 30, 2008 2:56 PM
Subject: dirty jersey
Body: for real, for real..
why do yall HATE dirty jersey guidos and guidettes so much?
did yall know im a guidette?
in my new pic with my boy and his friend witht the blowouts, ive never gotten so many negative mean and jealous comments in my life
may i ask everyone whats with the grudge against dirty jersey and the hot tan muscular men with blowouts?
ill defend my hometown and my boys til the death yall you cant assume all dudes with blowouts that are goodlooking at tan are f@#king guidos
my boyfriend is tan jacked and hot with a blowout and he is not a guido at all, doesnt act or talk like one – just LOOKS LIKE ONE
so why are yall so biased on gudios?
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Yeah, people. Why all the hate on gudios?
I don’t know who Brianna Frost is. I don’t even know if she qualifies as hott. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m running this picture or her nonsensical emails.
But I do know that I loves me some Chips Ahoy and Mr. Pibb milkshakes. Don’t knock it ’till you try it.
Monday, June 2, 2008HCwDB of the Week
Due to a bunch of classic pics and retro-scrotes, we had an eclectic list to whittle down to a final three this week.
But, after struggling with whether or not to leave off Potbelly due a lack of douchuousness in spite of the megahott (he didn’t make the cut), here are your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Guidics
Classic orange douche.
Yes, I try not to mock the under 18 ‘baglings as much as their adult counterparts. But the age of douchesent in Norway is 16, not 18.
So the Guidics are in.
And sure Greta’s probably in high school, but in two years she’ll be the nanny that ruins Dr. Goldenstein’s Upper West Side podiatry practice when he gets caught by his wife chasing her all over the apartment wearing only a speedo.
Damn you, Dr. Goldenstein. Was it worth it over an 18 year old Danish au pair?
Yeah. It probably was.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Scrote Times at Ridgemont High
Poor Mike Damone.
Whatever happens, his toes are still tappin’.
And while I feel guilt for associating one of the greatest teen comedies of all time with this travesty of a mockery of a sham, Mark Ratner would want me to fight this good fight.
So I call out Damone after 25 years for still trying to hang on to the party-boy ethos he left behind in skin follicles so many years ago.
But Stacy has that South American hott thing.
The type that parties with you in Brazil, then steals your Toyota Camry and drives it into the neighbor’s swing set at 2am.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Zippy
Technically, Zippy missed the cut last week. But only because last week was such a strong week. And by strong, I mean boobs.
So lets give Zippy and Aristocratic Upper West Side Lacy Underalls Hott a chance this week.
Why?
Because I would scramble eggs for the Sultan under careful watch of his food tasting guard, Erno, just for the chance to be paid in frog turds by the angry Nun who once nursed a sick Upper West Side Lacy Underalls out of a fever dream.
Dig that last sentence.
Who said I couldn’t write like Hemmingway?
But back to Zippy. Zippy is a sneakingly subversive douche. At first you think he’s not so scrotalicious. Then the signs appear. The tatts. The belt. The hair. The Son of Ubiquitous Red Cup. He is scrote.
But which of these three is enough to call HCwDB of the Week?
Don’t be shy.
Step up and vote for your choice for hott/douche superiority/grossery in the comments thread.
Sunday, June 1, 2008Sunday Jean-Claude Van Douche
Forget the earlier nottadouche considerations, Van Damme. You are an aging smelly cheese of eurodouche.
I will take your blonde friend behind a podium and explain to her why aging wooden movie stars in leopard jackets and stupid-ass sunglasses aren’t worth her time.
And by explain, I mean lick her anklets like an alcoholic llama.
