Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

Boat choad flexes tatts,
Ubiquitous Red Cup knows,
Shark attack needed.

Corey Haim tat bag.
Asphyxiates with poo smell
Throat cut too shallow.

— vacuum cleaner bagg

Douchey Prince Colwyn
Childhood memory ruined
Krull glaive once was cool

— mitch meats

Hairline receding
Boat has A thirty year lease
Bald douche in eight months

— Ragnar Danneskjöld

He found a townie
At his dad’s cabin up north
Sailing Lake Flaccid

— clementine of cappadoucha

What Tribe Would Have You
Bimbo Boat will Soon Sail,
Dont Cry Lost Sailor

— douchenozzle

Fists of Furry

Uhm… yeah.

Where to begin.

Ya know, instead of listing the many cultural violations of this atrocity, perhaps we should simply hose him down with bleach and call it a day.

Brunette is giving me what I like to call “The Sexy Stare of Wrong.” Because it’s sexy, it’s a stare, and what follows afterwards is all sorts of wrong. Even illegal in many southern states.

Brunette Hott also looks like the high school actress that Michael J. Fox snags in Teen Wolf.

Ah, Teen Wolf. Was there any life lesson you didn’t impart?

Reader Mail: Joyce Needs Relief

Joyce (not in the picture) writes in:

—-
Hey, DB1.

Hoping you’ll defend my honor and with all my love,
— joyce
—-

Joyce, I will of course defend your honor from the online douchescrote Myspace attack. But first, send pics. Of yourself. With librarian glasses, a can of PBR in your left hand, a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a Q-tip.

Because I’m freaky like that.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

Is Frank from the Inland Empire ‘bag? Or should we give him a nottadouche pass?

He’s got the hand gesture, the chinstrap and the bizarre tanning goggles on, but something isn’t quite congealing into scrotal reality here.

I’m on the fence, so I figured I’d open it up to debate.

What say you?

And what about cross-eyed young Britney? Would you lick her ankles like an anteater on no-doze?

Where's Waldouche?

Somewhere in this pic of curvy body Slip-n-Slide adult playground amusement park Six Flags Boob Adventure, I’ve carefully hidden a greased up aquabag Waldouche in Inverted Shocker Attack Position.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

HCwDB of the Week: Truman Coyote

Well it may be a day late and a boobie short, thanks to yesterday’s software freeze, but the votes are cast and the winner of a tough three-way competition was Truman Coyote and Legally Blonde Hott. ol’ dirty douchebag explains:

It’s all about the scrote this week so I can’t get distracted by the meatballs’ hott and by distracted I mean pink steel. It’s Truman over Dewey FTW. He is literally the scum of the earth.

Well put ODD. the bag queen agrees:

Coyote all the way. The swedouche meatballs are just pathetic, and the wheatstalk just isn’t all that full on himself. Coyote on the other hand is posing like he’s really something. And by something I mean bubonic-plagued rat vomit. I really dislike this guy. Like alot. And the hott is pure sweetness. This level of contrast is creating a rift in my psyche and I don’t know if I will ever be the same again.

Hang in there BQ. Collectively we will work through the trauma. And Vernon Clampett:

Truman, however, is all douches to all people. Though he’s curiously run-of-the-mill for a douche with a huge tattoo on his torso, his douchiness is pure, uncorrupted by the vanities of, say, wit, grace, charm, consideration. He is the Super Ego with no Id.

Well said, V.C. Coming in second, the Swedish Meatballs found their fans, as the Everpresent Anonymous casts in:

The Meatballs! Any penis-carrying man’s man would never combine armband, mullet, and DIOR! And what is up with that amazingly boring tat – it looks like a tile design from a swimming pool.

Right you are, unnamed comment thread person.

But grumpy llama makes the case for the spectacular hair of Wheatstalks:

But Wheatstalks is something special. Perhaps I shouldn’t vote for him because the stress of being a douche has accelerated his Male Pattern Baldness, and for us to add to that the ignominy of being HCwDB of the Week would be like kicking a puppy. Ah, f@#k it, some puppies need a good kicking. Wheatstalks it is.

The Wheatstalks is definitely a spectacle, and I would guess that hair will be in the running for a 2008 Douchie Award in December. shia ladouche explains:

Wheatstalks, if only because he has lost more of amber waves of grain to male-pattern baldness since the last time he graced the site.

And by graced, I mean pooed all over our faces with his ridiculous haircut.

For those wondering why I left Friday Follicle off the list, the brunette hott was grumbling in the comments thread and I couldn’t risk the odds on a take-down request. But I agree, that pic should’ve been a finalist. And we will definitely see Wuteva in the 2008 Douchies, so worry not, his poetic verse will find recognition.

But give it up to Truman Coyote for the grease-stained win. don’t wheeze the douche! explains:

I think I’ll go with Truman Coychoade simply because he looks to suffer the Napoleon Syndrome as well as a severe case of jackassery. And dieter agrees:

The meatballs’ hott is one of the finest we’ve seen, but I am voting for Truman Coyote in cold blood. He is the scrotiest, and his hott is wonderful.

david scroterfield: agrees, offering up this argument:

Truman FTW. I can’t quite read his tat, but it looks like it might say “IPECAC”, and he certainly has that effect on me. Also impressive: a second chin on an otherwise skinny scrote. How does that happen, exactly?

And, finally, samantha puts Coyote in New York historical douchespective:

Capote’s got it all…the hand gesture, the hat tilt, the horrible tats, the square of chin pubes, and the adorable hatted hott hanging on him like Edie Sedgwick hung on Andy Warhol. The resemblance is uncanny.

Anyone busting the Warhol/Sedgwick reference earns points in my book. And by points, I mean boobies.

Give it up to The Coyote, and we’ll see them in the Monthly.

Reader Mail: Miami

Miami Mice Hunter writes in:

—-
Mr. DB1-

Sincerely,
Miami Mice Hunter
—-

MMH, to gauge the rescuability of any hott on her way to Bleeth, one must look for signs of Douche Virus Infection (DVI). Is she busting sideways peace sign hand gestures? Wearing stupid-ass sunglasses indoors and at night? Etc.

In the case of your “close relative,” she remains smiling, unpolluted and innocent, with highly suckable inner thighs. This would mark her only a stage-1 Bleeth, and therefore highly saveable.

The de-Bleething process is simple. Just whisk her away to a safehouse where you can huddle in the cement basement playing Connect Four until getting her drunk on mead, then pawing through her purse and suckling on her used kleenex like an arthritic otter from Bangladesh.

Breaking: Natalie Portman Still Dating a Yeti

Okay, a cleaned up Yeti. But still a Yeti.

And sure, maybe he’s not that bag. But Natalie is my little Hebraic librarian princess whom I would lather her shoulders with fabric softener then quietly nose-butt her agent’s cell phone.

So, to honor the hypothetical lathered shoulders of Ms. Portman, I mock the bearded prophet with annoying bling, man-purse and scary jean short-shorts. For he is scrote.

Brothabag Leon

PIC DELETED

I continue to get complaints that I don’t post enough brothabags on the site.

I can’t tell if it’s because so much of douchebaggery involves suburban white-boys trying to “front” a gangsta toughness, or if the Brothas simply look more badass and less poseury in general.

Then again, it’s hard to find a douchey brothabag like Leon here. What with the Frank Gehry designed facial hair and requisite East Asian Hott on his arm. He is power scrote.

So, in the medical interests of continuing to demonstrate that douchebaggery cuts across all racial, ethnic and stupid tatt lines, here’s Leon.

Who could bench press my spine like a licorice whip.

Damone says…

I came over to help you with your math homework.

If you’re seeing this pic then two things have occurred.

1) Google has finally fixed its crappy-ass Blogger publishing software, and I can update the site again, although updates will be spotty today and the HCwDB Winner will be tomorrow.

2) Asian hott’s grease sandwich has many tiny microbe life forms in it that are yet to be discovered by scientists.

But I do dig the little hint of pale hip poking out above her panty-line. It’s like the hip equivalent of Cleavite. “Hipite”?