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Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The Small Package Returned
HCwDB of the Week Winner, The Small Package returns, this time at what appears to be a Renaissance Fair for scrotebags.
Do you wanna know why his shirt is non-existent?
Hint: Because he’s a douche.
Blonde looks a little like a cross between Heidi Montag and Malcolm McDowell in Lindsay Anderson’s classic of British cinema, Oh Lucky Man!, but I don’t care, I would still tolchock her groody with my yabzick.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008HCwDB of the Week: Droopy McScrote
From the moment this unholy mix of sagg and curve appeared on the site, readers knew they were seeing a Weekly Winner in action. As the everpresent anonymous explains it:
Droopy McScrote ftw, for keepin’ it real, AARP style. You just know he spent hours matching up his jewelry for maximum ‘bling’ effect, and that his undies say ‘love machine’ across the back.
But mostly its Surfer Kelly, ffs what a HOTT!! I’ve already written a 400-page cookbook, all of which involve her panties.
I believe I saw that Twilight Zone episode in which the cookbook really involves panties, anon. douchetoevsky elaborates further:
#1. Droopy. Just look at him. Soak it in. He is as magnificent a specimen of hot douche-mess as you will every witness. The longer you stare at his scroteal glory, the more you comprehend his complete douchial magnificence. He needs to be captured, isolated and studied for scientific research. Surfer Kelly needs to have her holographic panties spanked off her taught, tan, buttocks with a rubber spatula.
Well said, V.D. ‘bag lanta is even more succinct, and by succinct I mean boobies:
Droopy FTW. There is just so much wrongness in the photo, and so much hottness with Surfer Kelly, that I see no other choice.
And el duderino:
My vote is for Droopy. She is everything that is sweet and succulent in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. I’d drown myself in chocolate just to get the golden ticket to lick her snozzberries.As for droopy….top of the muffin…TO YOU!
Heh. Top of the muffin indeed.
But lets not forget Gunter and Klaus. ColinSm makes the case:
But G&K bring the PAIN…they are pros. On a pure “points” bases (a little orange, hand gesture, d-face, sunglasses worn indoors) they don’t measure up to the douche lexicon that is the Droop…but they are scrotes to the depth of their…I was gonna say “souls” but that can’t be right…Anyway, they elicit the rage before the ridicule and that’s true choaditudity.
And matt reminds us not to forget the horrid inspiditude of all that is the Preppiebags:
I have to vote for Preppiebags cos anyone who wears their sunglasses on croakies makes me feel stabby.
Indeed, matt. Preppiebags are toxic and we should not forget to pass some mock their way. But as sir douchey explains, this was Droopy’s day to sagg in a landslide:
Droopy McScrote gets my vote. I’m transfixed by the ass that is apparently growing out of his lower back. Two assholes = huge douche.
And she is delicious.
Yes. Yes she is. phlerbert continues:
Droopy for the weekly, the monthly, and damn if I don’t wanna pencil him in for the yearly. The Hott-Douche Dichotomy can get worse than this, but sadly, I fear that DB1 will prove me wrong.
If this pic featured a red plastic cup, this site would collapse in on itself by the sheer weight of this tableau’s perfection.
A URC would indeed bring calls from the Guggenheim to add Droopy to their permanent collection. And the choaderfield monster takes it home:
Droopy is an all-out assault on everything that is right and good. And somehow Everything That Is Right And Good has deigned to mash boobs with him. Worst of all, his ponderous bulk reminds me of my own flabby self. He is a funhouse mirror of scrote, reflecting a bizarro-self that gives me the shivers. And when a douche inspires rage AND psychological trauma, you know you have a powerful force on your hands. So Droopy McScrote wins my vote.
Well said, C.M. Where else can you find the perfect mix of douchey hand gestures, tatts, rings, bling, cargo pants and stretch marks, commingling with a bouncy Wish They All Could Be California Girl? Only here. At HCwDB.
Where we celebrate the Yin-Yang contradictions of hottie/douchey mixing as the key cultural violation that leads us to enlightenment.
Book a ticket for Droopy and Surfer Kelly in the next Monthly. They will be formidable.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008Jaundice
Jaundice, also known as icterus (attributive adjective: “icteric”), is yellowish discoloration of the skin, sclerae (whites of the eyes) and mucous membranes caused by hyperdoucherubinemia (increased levels of Tag Bodyshots in the blood).
This hyperdoucherubinemia subsequently causes increased levels of scroterubin in the extracellular fluids.
Typically, the concentration of scroterubin in the ballsack must exceed 1.5 mg dL [1], three times the usual value of approximately 0.5mg dL[1], for the coloration to be easily visible. Jaundice comes from the French word jaune, meaning The Greasy Jerz.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008The Turd Cutter
The Turd Cutter isn’t a huge ‘bag. More like a stage 1-2 tweener. We’ll call him douche for the silly retro jeans, wrist somethings and general turd cutting expression. But I’m on the fence with him. Another pic with a less silly expression could earn him a nottadouche pass and a hearty handshake for his good work.
After all, it’s not like he’s The Gator Working Out (warning: Not Safe for Humanity)
But oh these hotnesses.
I would drink a mint julep hemlock just for the chance to be chased by angry goat herders through the Serengeti if it meant I could huff the toxins off blond’s used sneakers.
And I see you too, curvy leather pants Brunette. You can have the honor of smacking my bottom with a small plastic ladel, while I scream out “Klatu Barata Nikto!” and cry softly for my lost childhood panda-bear, “Boo.”
Tuesday, July 1, 2008Reader Mail: Historical Douchebaggery
Bookworm writes in:
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Dear DB1-
In a recent message thread, someone suggested looking for older examples of the HCwDB syndrome. Miguel de Cervantes may have been the first to tag a ‘bag.
In chapter 51 of Don Quixote a goat-herder tells of a 16-year-old hott courted by two decent guys, but whose head is turned by a chode “decked out in a thousand colors and wearing a thousand glass trinkets and thin metal chains. One day he would put on one piece of finery, and the next day another, but all of them were flimsy and garish, lightweight and worthless.” His name is Vicente de la Rosa, which sounds like something out of a New Jersey phone book.
The hott “became enchanted with the glitter of his bright clothes” and runs away with him, only to be robbed and abandoned by him. She is discovered a few days later in a cave totally bleethed out, “wearing only her chemise.”
The flashy clothes, the trinkets and metal chains (the 16th-century equivalent of dog-tags and jesus-bling), the bag’s unholy power over innocent hotts–it’s all here. Don Quixote vows to go after this jerk, just as you do his counterparts today. Keep up the quixotic quest. (Quotations from Edith Grossman’s translation, pp. 435-36.)
– Bookworm
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Excellent point, Bookworm. There are many embedded examples throughout literature and history that chart douchological trends from 5,000 B.G. to our present year, 19 A.G, and we must endeavor to find them.
I cover a broad historical overview in the chapter, “Douche Antiquity and Douche Modernity,” in my book, quixotically titled Hot Chicks with Douchebags, now shipping from Amazon. Pictured here is the infamous “Billy The ‘Bag,” 96 B.G.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008Where's Waldouche?: Malibu Pool Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of ambulatory Malibu Stacys, I’ve carefully hidden a standard issue but vaguely disinterested stage-2 Waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Tuesday, July 1, 2008Rusty's Got a Secret
Can you guess what it is?
