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Sunday, July 27, 2008
Reader Mail: Little Caesars' Revenge
Jon writes in:
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Hey DB1-
After reading your website for somewhere near 6 months now, I finally got a perfect chance to complete break apart a Douche/Hott abomination.
I work at Little Caesars, running one of the registers, and I get a large variety of different customers, some with crazy eyes, one shoe, etc. About a week ago though, I was cleaning when two cars pulled up. The people walked in together, and were obviously together. The girl was beyond hot, like on a scale of 1-10…15. The guy who walked in with her was a total douche, I could almost smell it. To start of describing, he pulled up in a Hummer. He had assorted tattoo designs all down her arms, but the one that really got to me was a girls name right below his neck.
The girl ordered a Cheese Pizza and Breadsticks, which takes like 30 seconds to grab out of the Hot-N-Ready ovens. The Douche ordered the most complex pizza, and got pissy when I told him he was going to have to wait for it to be made.
When the girl paid, I asked to see ID for her card, just to check the name on it against the tattoo, and the name on her DL was Heather.
The guys tattoo said April.
Not wanting to let a douche get away with what is equivalent to that as murder, I took his pizza out of the oven as one of our cooks put it in. After about 15 minutes of waiting, Heather got upset at the douche, told him she was going home, and that she would talk to him later (in a very upset tone).
Not wanting the douche to complain, I put his pizza in the oven after she left. But to get him back for his douchetrosities, I pulled his pizza out too fast, which causes the toppings to shift, and didn’t cut it.
He hasn’t been back since, she has 3 times.
-Jon
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Pizza Pizza.
Saturday, July 26, 2008Dalmation Dave
Ever wonder what it would look like if that dude from the old Disney animated film, 101 Dalmations, decided to douche it up with an innocent Swedish Hott somewhere in Eastern Europe?
Well wonder no more.
Saturday, July 26, 2008Caption This Pic Saturday
Brandon found his witty pickup line using the “Pay to Park” sign worked on the ladies every time.
Friday Goose Running
When hott and scrote come together, it is worse than when Zuul and Vinz Clortho unlocked the hellfires of Gozer the Destroyer. When perfectly formed boobie suckle thigh and rank smelling Axe Body Spray chest shaving tool conjoin, it is a rip in the collective fabric of universal hope and transcendence.
We have sold out our sexuality to name-brand deification. Our bodies, the imprinteur of a post-ethnicity class system determined by Madison Avenue codes and signifiers. A/X. D&G. Ed Hardy. The new subculture, name brand ethnicity, image tribes sold as product.
We eroticize the brand because the brand validates our sexual worth in the simulacrum. And the simulacrum perpetually shifts the goalposts to keep us spending.
Or, as Donkey Douche responds, “Tribal tatt? I’ll show you a tribal tatt!”
I leave you tonight with Donkey Douche’s tribal tatt, the only coherent response to an incoherent culture. No matter how douchey the clubs get tonight, there is always tomorrow. And there is always hope we will transcend.
Friday, July 25, 2008Errands List
The DB1’s Friday Errands List:
1. Do laundry (check)
2. Write check and mail gas/electric bill (check)
3. Clean up empty bottles of Night Train and HoHo packages from living room area (check)
4. Scrub eyes with bleach, scream with existential angst for the god that never was, stare at boobies, mock ‘roided up musclebags, stare at boobies (check)
Friday, July 25, 2008The Small Package Picks Up a Hott
When HCwDB site favorite (and Weekly winner) The Small Package told his friends he was gonna “pick up a hott tonight,” they didn’t think he meant it literally.
Your humble narrator, The DB1, is in the midst of getting ready to head to San Francisco for my book signing on Sunday at 4pm at the Virgin Megastore in Union Square.
Represent, San Franciscians. Or I will run like Donald Sutherland through the streets chasing pod people. And we can’t have that.
Friday, July 25, 2008Ch…Ch…Ch…Chia
At first, the Tai Chia Pet just seems standard issue douche. Other than hilarious language butchering and a sweet little Staten Island cutie, he’s sort of generiscrote.
But then you see it.
There it is. ‘Bag Hand Gesture #84. A teeny middle finger curving around Stacy’s shoulder.
Because true uberscrotes can’t just embrace the hott. True uberscrotes gotta work in the “gangsta” somehow.
But I would love a tasty bowl of Quaker Oats, Chia, thanks for asking.
Friday, July 25, 2008Friday Haiku
Smoke from douche hole blows,
Bleethed Hott on the right. On left?
Deflated balloon.
Two Neanderthals
Porn star hott shows off her ink
Inverse mohawk too?
— anonymous
Crabs on bleeth are smart.
They’ve formed a society,
Just launched a space ship.
— mr. white
Robert Downey Bag
Blows smoke angrily at hott
He’s no “Iron Man”
— anonymous
Motel 6, poolside.
Couldn’t afford Rehab pool.
Second rate douchebags.
— anonymous
Old enough to smoke.
A balloon suddenly pops..
Strawberry drinks all round.
— teh abominable snowdouche
Nip rings pop man-boobs.
“Flock of Seagulls” fauxhawk sucks.
Where are the red cups?
— boatbutter
Thursday, July 24, 2008The Earwig
He… wants to rock and roll all night. And hydrate properly every day.
But aw, isn’t that sweet. Slayer volunteered his chin as a foster home for two Wrath of Khan earwigs.
Yeah, I made a Wrath of Khan earwig reference. And I will again. Try to stop me.
Earwig.
Thursday, July 24, 2008Antoine and the Euro Hotts
We haven’t had a good Brothabag pic in awhile, and Antoine fits the bill for greasing up the shaved chest and busting the Celtic Bling.
With no kissy lips or smug pout, Antoine almost got a nottadouche pass. But presenting the grease-chest? Sorry ‘Toine. That’s a stage-2 violation.
Euro Heiress on the right may be pushing late 30s but she can sip Abysnthe by her winter chalet in Oslo while I massage her footsies with Italian lotions and a dash of Bazooka chewing gum.
Ambiguous Quartasian on the left is tiny chinned Chaos Theory goodness. As Jeff Goldblum explained in Jurassic Park, every time a butterfly flaps its wings in China, I stare at her boobers.
