-
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Vin the Personal Trainer ™ 2
Vin’s back, this time with Zebra Stripe and Orange Tan-in-a-Can.
And he brought Chesty Springfield, Bleethed out to a point of unredeemability, I’m afraid.
But while the Douchebaguette is douchey, you may still desire to dive betwixt those two satin and saline throwpillows. Do not fret, grasshopper. This is normal.
This contradiction is known as the douchadox. Do not fear it. For only through it is the way to enlightenment.
Because, as Lao Tzu taught us, the boobies know not the way of the douche that surrounds them.
Saturday, July 12, 2008Classic HCwDB: Douche Mating Ritual
I ran this on the site last year, but it might be time to revel again in the greatest, greasiest example of primitive douchal attempts at a mating ritual ever captured in their native habitat.
Like Flaherty’s Nanook of the North, such documents must be preserved as indexical historical record.
And by preserved, I mean mocked.
Friday, July 11, 2008Reader Mail: Penis Pants
Carri writes in from traffic on the 405:
—-
Hi Douchebag1!
I love when you call into Kevin and Bean. It makes my awful commute more enjoyable!
Anyway, I had a run in with a total douche in Vegas. We were staying at Mandalay Bay and had one of those pool side cabanas for the weekend. The booze was flowin’, I was pretty much drunk off my ass the whole weekend (hence the little beer gut in the pic), and I see this idiot with penis shorts on.
Take a look at these shorts. They were more like speedos… And they have a penis and balls silk screened on them. Then, to top off his baggery, he decided to wear some ripped up shirt.
Drunk or not, I would have hit him up for a pic because there’s no way anyone would believe I saw a guy like that. DOUCHE!
–Carri
—-
I dunno. There’s a certain amount of respek that must be paid to anyone who silkscreens their own junk on top of their junk. And by respek, I mean laughing.
And really, what better way to head into a Friday night than Penis Pants? Kinda says it all.
Friday, July 11, 2008Yeah Buoy
The girls are a little low on the hott scale even with the nice legs, but that giant chain on The Buoy has gotta be a swimming hazard that the local lifeguard would not approve of.
Shame on you, Buoy. Didn’t you learn better when you were at the minnow level in swim class?
Friday, July 11, 2008Reader Mail: Aussie Bags
douch-a-roo writes in from Australia:
—-
Gday mate,
Firstly I’m very impressed with the site. It gives me mixed feelings, it’s humourous, but it can also drive a man to hate. Most importantly, hcwdbs motivates me. It fills me with the ambition to be a better person and vaccinate against the douche virus that has infected western society.
The infiltration of American popular culture into Australian society has had both positive and negative effects:
Pros: Fast Food, Cartoons, Movies, Porno.
Cons: Douche.
As ‘douche’ takes grip in this most unlikely of places, a harsh frontier land founded by convicts, pirates and soldiers, its comforting for Australian men to know we’re not the only ones fighting this battle.
Hang tough,
douche-a-roo
—-
I’m happy to help in the fight, douche-a-roo, and feel like a Thunderdomed Mad Max enjoying a Fosters while Yahoo Serious tosses the corpse of the Croc Hunter into a giant swimming pool filled with Elle McPhersons. Or something like that.
But my favorite Aussie will forever be The Dingo, teenage partier with famous sunglasses.
Friday, July 11, 2008Vin the Personal Trainer ™
Seeing Pink Pepper Best Friend of Your Sister Hott get mugged by Vin The Personal Trainer ™ is like having a conga line of anxiety ridden lemurs dance through your upper stomach area.
And yeah, maybe anxiety ridden conga dancing lemurs wasn’t the most linear analogy for the wrongness of this coupling, but yet it somehow seems apropos, no?
Friday, July 11, 2008Friday Haiku
Nips perk like coffee,
Signifies viable womb,
Hairy Gnu claims “first.”
The nipped-out hott writhes
She is under my Douche spell
Chicks dig this jacket!
— maximus douchemus meridius
Amazing Kreskin
Taught this douchebag hypnosis
Young hott, be afraid!
— anonymous
Sir Mystereo
turns hypnotized hott into
ecstacy chicken
— johnny scrotten
Blinding jacket shines,
hott obviously in trance
Yuri strikes again…
— teh abominable snowdouche
His powers astound
Ventriloquist dummy hott
Sperm enter navel
— clementine of cappadoucha
sweat stained tee contest
winner hypnotized into
baguette ab reveal
— let it bleeth
Thursday, July 10, 2008Tim, The Cal-Tech Grad Student Who Doesn't Want You to Know It
It’s Tim, the Cal-Tech Grad Student Who Doesn’t Want You to Know It.
But we do know it, Tim. The rebellion thing just ain’t working out.
And is it just me, or is Ron Jeremy hiding out in the left arm sleeve tatt on Tim? Click on the pic for greater study.
I would play whiffle ball with plutonium laced cupcakes perched precariously over a vat of boiling engine oil just for the chance to fondle Bustier Hott’s used makeup Kleenex while being slapped repeatedly by an arthritic clown.
Thursday, July 10, 2008Raggedy Andy
When Kelly was a little girl, she always knew she’d grow up to find her real life Raggedy Andy.
Kelly’s mommy and daddy, however, have officially filed a complaint with Mattel.
Thursday, July 10, 2008HCwDB in the News
As you know, this is the first week of the book’s release, so your humble narrator on all things assy/greasy has been busy doing many radio interviews, including this morning on the Kevin & Bean show on KROQ.
I’m also prepping for my first signing/reading this Saturday, July 12th at 7pm at Book Soup in West Hollywood on Sunset.
There’s another signing scheduled in San Francisco at the Virgin Megastore in Union Square on July 27th at 4pm, and appearances in Boston and New York are being worked out for early August.
So if you can make it to any of these events, come buy the DB1 a HoHo, get a book signed, and listen to me expound on all things Boobie/Bodyspray.
Last night I was in studio on the Tim Conway Jr. radio show here in L.A., check out the audio. None other than the great Arsenio Hall was in-studio, and the moment when he gleefully observes “Donkey Douche” may be one of the highlights of my life.
My clip starts about ten minutes in, and listen all the way through for an Amazon Women on the Moon reference at the end. Because that movie rules.
