Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Gas 'Bag

Stupid hat. ‘Bag Hand Gestures #23 and #104. Wrist bling. Yes, he’s scrote. But annoying? Or just goofy?

Gas ‘Bags are stage 1-2 tweeners. Clearly douche. But unthreatening.

Somehow you kinda like the Gas ‘Bag. He’s a clown. He amuses you. As such, Gas ‘Bags are lesser douche. Annoying, but minor.

They may not be standard hotts, but I would still take the spicy Paprika Twins and twirl them in my personalized human cotton candy machine before break-dancing down a chocolate rainbow and slip sliding into marshmallow pies of candy corn delight. Then I’d read them W.H. Auden by candlelight with Mazzy Star playing until dawn. And then we’d perform tri-coitus in sixteen languages.

Caption This Pic

For his Fringe Festival updating of the little known Persian play, “Scrotebullah and the Seven Boobies,” Rahm shocked the critics with his bold use of Z-Axis Yankee hat tilt.

Huggy

We haven’t seen a true Mark of the ‘Bag on the forehead shine of a douche in far too long.

The Mark of the ‘Bag is when the forehead grease of a scrotal choadmunch resembles a schlong-n-balls. It is God’s way of imprinting “douche” in the sweat encrused L.A. Looks hair gel residue of a wank. Like Huggy, here. Not that there was any doubt.

Huggy sports “The Mark” while attempting the ultra-rare “Doggie Trot ‘Bag” — a Doggie ‘Bag while hott is in mid-motion.

The Brazilian judge gives it a 5.9.

I give it a Poo.

Criss Angel

That last pic was a costume party, so I’m blowing it away. Even if I did get to make the rare Robotron reference.

Instead, lets all appreciate watching famous magician and noted douche Criss Angel magically inflate two melons.

South Bleach

Yeech. I feel itchy.

It’s like some stigmatic Gloria Estefan Miami Douche Machine by way of a tanker truck of Axe Bodyspray overturning on South Beach during pledge week.

I’d like to think underneath all that Floridian douche plague, Miami Chiquita is a sweet innocent hott waiting to get out. But alas, alack, there is no return from stage-4 South Beach Douchebaguette. Only mocking.

The crown on the Yankee Cap may be a new low in douchal blight. The six inches of underwear and neckglasses only furthering the wrong.

I…

Heck, lets just move on.

Flo-boy

PIC DELETED

When the Rare-Ass Yellow Cup shows up, you know you’re in the presence of a hottie/douchey coupling that’s “to the x-treme!” And Rastafied by 10%.

Something tells me Flo-boy’s shirt was made by Armani-Exchange..

Blondie, you have the heavenly body that curves and bounces in all the right places. But your finger and ‘tude display a deep Grieco Virus infection.

Any more time next to Flo-boy, and Hat Tilt will render you unredeemable.

Jill Whitlow: Fruit of My Loom

And while we’re on the subject of 1980s b-movies, a moment of reverence for the perfection that was actress Jill Whitlow.

Ass kicking action star of such classics as Night of the Creeps (as Cynthia Cronenberg) and the snarky perfume sales girl at the mall in Weird Science, Whitlow haunted my early pubescent dreams in the late 1980s and still does to this day.

When she dumps her standard issue 1980s douchey Aryan jock boyfriend (pictured here) to kick some zombie ass with the red head kid from European Vacation, you know whose zombie ass she really kicked? Mine. Only it was my heart. Not my zombie ass.

And by heart, I mean Lil’ Head.

Here’s her fan page.

Not Above Average

Somebody needs to flip this guy off in 48 languages like Rag did in Hardbodies.

Yeah, I just made a Hardbodies reference. And I will defend that movie as the Hegel’s Philosophy of the Spirit of 1980s teen beach sex comedies.

HCwDB of the Week

In the last Weekly before next week’s Monthly we select the final hottie/douchey couple to go up against Mooby Dick, The Hourglass and the Beachbag and, in an executive decision I just made, a substitute HCwDB of the Week winner, Squidward.

Yeah, I know Crapser The Douchey Ghost officially won that Weekly. But the vote was so close, and Crapser is just so damn icky, and Janice’s boobs are so Hello Kitty Perky, that I’m issuing a DB1 override. Hey, it’s kinda like Ohio.

But that’s next week. For now, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner

The Scrotey Mariner is your typical middle aged boat-choad with hotts in tow. The sneer and hand gestures say it all.

It’s interesting how the rage factor on the Boatbags always seem larger than should be, given their limited actual adouchrements on display.

Scrotey Mariner enrages far beyond his actual douchosity. Something about that Boatbag sneer. Makes me want to sucker punch a llama with goiter.

And the extensive lady pillow cleavite don’t hurt the hott side of the equation, neither. I can only wonder if they feel more like down or cotton.

Most importantly, who likes short-shorts?

I like short-shorts.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Primordial Ooze

For demonstrating how millions of years of cellular and genetic evolution don’t mean squat in the land of douchescrotia, The Ooze deserve recognition.

For dual matching, or at least similar, douche-faces, they deserve mock.

For two ambiguously quartasian hotts that I would dip in chocolate and fluffernutter and make oozy tasty sandwiches of curvy bouncy delight, they deserve to be shoved to the side whilst I sip mojitos with their grandmother in Sheboygan.

Yup. Making no sense. It’s Monday morning.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Gauntlet

A couple of things are holding back this pic from HCwDB greatness.

One, the uberdouche, while clearly ubersquat, is acting underscrote.

Smiling? Happy?

These things a douchebag does not crave.

Secondly, the lack of impressive hottness. The girls are milfy and certainly pass the 2am bar test, but do not elevate the way the Scrotey Mariner’s love cushions do.

Still, if you met this guy in real life, what would be the kick-in-the-balls factor?

Exactly. And that’s why he’s a finalist. A long shot, perhaps. But in the HCwDB of the Week, you just never know.

So them’s your three. Only one may emerge triumphant. By which I mean choady. Which of these three couplings has enough hott and douche to merit your vote?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Reader Mail: Dewish 'Bags

Rabbi Schlomo Baghunter writes in:

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Hey DB1,

– Rabbi Schlomo Baghunter
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Funny. He doesn’t look Dewish.

As to my deep love of Semitic Librarian Hotts, slap a pair of specs on this sultry Rebecca Hottowitz, and I’d add her to my Mila Kunis / Natalie Portman / Rachel Weisz shuffling of Hebraic Hott fantasy.