Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Death, Taxes and Criss Angel

In a world of turmoil and change, of environmental chaos and an economy in crisis, it’s good to know that some things will always be there.

Grandma, sitting on the porch with a glass of lemonade.

Your dog, Rusty, wagging his tail, when you come home from a hard day of work.

And Criss Angel, leaving a trail of fungal doucheslime on all those within a three foot radius of his scrotal nest.

The Sweathog

Since we’re going with a bit of a pitstain theme today, and we haven’t had a porcelain doll of springy spongecake frosting on a plate at a birthday party hott, I thought Fariq and Caroline would make a nice pairing.

And by nice, I mean douche-face nastiness contrasting with soft, lower back embraceable cuddle joy.

She is pie. He is poo.

Ask DB1: "Bod Man"

Just Wantin’ to Know writes in:

—-
DB1,

there are so many different-scented versions of AXE spray on the market, which is the one worn by douchebags everywhere?

-Just Wantin’ to Know
—-

While there can and will be a larger discussion of ranking the different Axe Bodyspray products along the douchological spectrum, here’s a pic snapped by reader Coco after she inadvertently discovered she was dating a douche by opening his bathroom cabinet.

Yes, Bod Man is the name of the product. And the scent is called “Really Ripped Abs.”

I wish I was making this up.

Aisle Five "Cleaned Up"

After a lazy day spent wandering shirtless through Mexican bodegas, Aisle Five gets his stylin’ nightclub groovin’ on with Marion’s amulet from Raiders.

Caption This Pic

Little did Cheri know that while Anton loved him, himself and him, his sweat stain loved ice-cream.

The Belgian Waffle

Detlef writes in from Belgium:

—-
Hail douchebag 1,

Greetings!
– Detlef
—-

Ah yes, the classic Eurodouche. The Nordic Scrote. The Aryanbag.

I haven’t seen a chin that square since Udo Kier in Andy Warhol’s Blood for Dracula.

Teddy Troll Doll

Once is an event. Twice could be a coincedence. But this many times?

We’re in full blown trend.

I speak not of the dumbass douche-friend encroaching on the pic whilea scrote is in mid pose, but of the Middle Finger ‘Bag Hand Gesture.

For Teddy Troll Doll, the Ed Hardy Double Shirt, the bling and the spikey blowout only compliment his rosy red cherubic cheeks that have the scrotey glow of the lightly slapped.

But it is Teddy’s ability to mug Michelle without even a glance down at the Holy Cleavite that takes him to the next level of douche-pose.

Michelle’s complimentary ‘Baguette Hand Gesture is tragic, but understandable. That much exposure to stage-4 Toxicity, and even the strongest hott will succumb to douchescrotery.

Cleanup Aisle Five

Someone spilled some Bodyspray.

HCwDB of the Week

It was a moderate week for hottie/douchey toxicity last week. Between the Fung Debates and Fish Slap’s Nipple showing up to haunt our collective zeitgeist, our selection of new pics was lessened. But three solid hottie/douchey finalists have emerged, and here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Douche Zak

There’s a sneaky fungal quality to Zak’s scrotewankery. His disarming smile and wee man status may throw you off at first.

But note the blingin’ earring and necklace. The sideburn giving way to a second, chinstrap facial hair configuration drawn thinner than a storyline in an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

And let us not forget Dutch Windmill’s Klogs of Copenehagen perfection.

I would discuss the Uncertainty Principle with Heisenberg and Bohr while we watched the canal boats drift languidly by the Scheepswerf Bierenbroodspot.

And then I would hump Camilla’s kneecaps like a cracked up anteater after rainy season.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: He Rides the Short Boat

The Short Boat may be your standard issue G.R.E test taking DeVry class of 2011 engineering major.

But to pull four uberhotts while making standard Boatbag Tongue Gesture #12 deserve finalist status.

True, Short Bus doesn’t inspire rage the way many other douchewanks do.

But there’s enough to annoy. At least mildly.

Still, the hotts may have to carry Short Bus to victory, as the vague “I’d like to push him overboard” urge is only moderate. Stage 2.

Maybe, stage 3 now that I look at it a bit longer.

Because those Bramble Tatts are douchetatt wrong like a smack to the butt of a Nun named Catherine.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Sad Clown

There’s a certain genius toxicity to this hottie/douchey combination that defies explanation.

What forces brought an eyeliner wearing member of Ringling Bros. Barnum and Douchey Circus into the willing embrace of a pearly white Southern Peach of Banana Milkshake Ice Cream Holy Boobie Pie Daughter of a Southern Pentacostal and Hates Her Father Hottie?

I do not know. But the Sad Clown knows.

And wonders if his starring performance in Jerry Lewis’s The Day The Clown Cried will ever get released on DVD.

Probably not, Sad Clown. I hear it was pretty offensive.

(Dis)honorable mention to Pooper McGee,Don, and Carlos Finds Love, all of whom just missed the Finals.

But them’s your three. Three enter, but only one may crown itself “HCwDB of the Week” and earn the final slot in next week’s Monthly.

Which’ll it be? That’s up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Sunday Musings: The Hoverbag

On this lazy Sunday, let us pay testament to one of the abstract categories we find on the douchological spectrum.

I speak, of course, of the Hoverbag.

As detailed in my book, The Hoverbag is an otherwise innocent shmoe who achieves douche status simply for ruining the frame.

Unlike most categories of hottie/douchey commingling, Hoverbags often would achieve a nottadouche pass if they were simply on their own.

Hoverbags are frequently met with off-screen cries of “Get out of the frame, douche!” and “Move, dumbass!”

I dub this Hoverbag, Sam.