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Monday, September 8, 2008
HCwDB of the Week
Last week I was tense with anticipation over the impending release of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I can safely report that it was everything I hoped it would be. And everything I dreamed it would offer.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Megahead
Megahead brings the laugh factor, and an unusually high quality (if stage-3 Bleethed) hott. But is he a threat?
Judging by the eye makeup, Megahead may bat for the home team, which tends to be a disqualifier for HCwDB toxicity. But it’s hard to say.
The cuddle, the fwippy hair, the hint of chin fung, and the Megahead head, all earn a spot in the Weekly.
Okay, lets face it.
The dude just cracks me the hell up.
I probably shouldn’t go with this pic over some of the ones that just missed the cut, but never underestimate the laugh factor in a HCwDB coupling.
And she is a caramel corn summer fair sweet.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: X-Lax
We haven’t had a truly legendary breakout doucherstar appearing in a number of pics since probably Bra!! a few months back.
X-Lax could be that scrotewank.
Rocking consistent douchery in the presence of hotts across a number of pics, including a delightful Asian belly hott, a strangely Da Vincian sorority party, and a hidden turd float, X-Lax has shown longevity in his douchal career.
And with a wide collection of sorority girls on his arm, the hottie/douchey factor is high. But orange enough to take the Weekly?
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Corey Hamster
For classic Tuscan European scrotifery, for holding a delightful hott in his furry little wheel running paws, and for rallying the base when I needed to bring the votes in, The Hamster gets the coveted third and final spot on the ticket.
Some may argue the Hamster is lesserbag.
I give you the white Dog Tag / Jesus Bling combo. The giant collar. The hamster whiskers. The Dick Tracy watch. And, of course, the douche-face.
And like every pure hottie/douchey dialectic, the swan of hope. Slap some librarian glasses on her, and I would definitely marry her in a stormy shotgun wedding, then weep quietly in the bathroom when she cheated on me with the gas station attendant, Antonio.
As with any Weekly after a Monthly, a number of worthy finalists just missed the cut, including The Cheeks, Tatty McTatterson and the luscious mounds of Melon Butt. Even Pedro lacked that certain extra quality to make the Finals.
We can only have three, and them three’s your Francis Bacon inspired triptych. Which will rise to become HCwDB of the Week? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Saturday, September 6, 2008Ask DB1: Manscaping
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Hey, db1. I’m a long-time Hot Chicks with Douchebags fan and I have a question that perplexes me.
I think we all have a little bit of douche in us without us even realizing it, and I’m not proud to say that I sometimes exhibit these tendencies.
My question is regarding the removal of chest hair. I notice you mock the guys who shave/wax their chests a lot, yet I also noticed in your book that you mentioned the Furry ‘Bag, who is a douche because he basically has, well, chest hair.
So are they both douches? Is one bigger than the other? Surely this is not an over-looked contradiction, is it?
Douche of Arabia
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Excellent question, D of A. A number of the more hirsute males will, of course, require some basic manscaping to maintain appearances. Some even suffer from Robinius Williamsus Armsus, or, in English, “Yeti Arms.”
Furry Man, as detailed in the book, does not receive douchal scorn for his hairyness, but for his creepy-ass display of that hairyness. Just as displayed chest shave is scrotey, so is chest fung display. It is in the presentational, not the genetic, that we locate douche.
Most men require some basic trimming and shaving as we attempt to woo the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh. This is excusable, and is not subject to douchal scorn.
Saturday, September 6, 2008DJ Bello Hearts "Steph"
Dig the dopest, freshest, most illin’ dance moves since The Fly Girls. DJ Bello is in love. And by love, I mean douche you have to scrape off your shoe to get rid of.
WARNING: No Hott counterbalance provided in this video. It is all choad.
EDIT: Since the video is sadly lost, here’s DJ Bello dancing with a camel, courtesy of pfah.
Friday, September 5, 2008Pedro Speaks
Pedro says, “Challo. Chowarju?”
I’m fine, Pedey.
Thanks to your embrace of Brunette Lollipop Wonderland Rainbow Boobie Hott, I’m now officially crackin’ my PBRs and gettin’ ready for a delightful Friday Night.
Because the sun is shining in sweaty Los Angeles. The weekend is here. My fridge is stocked with milk for extended sugar cereal consumption this weekend.
And, hot on your arm or not, you look like a six year old ate sixteen crayons and then puked in the rec hall.
Friday, September 5, 2008Scrote for Pedro
What better way to wind down a productive week of hottie/douchey mocklust then with with Pedro’s stylin’ douche-on game.
His shaved chest and elegantly placed rosarie Jesus bling are offset only by the Han Solo vest and Kessel Run inspired Ed Hardy Douche Hat.
On the flip side, we have Sultry Camille.
And while you were on the swim team and never talked to me in math class Camille, I still sat behind you and tied your occasional shedded strand of hair left behind on your seat onto my jacket buttons after class.
I’m much better now. All grown up. I no longer fantasize about your perfect senior year boobies. So far as you know.
Friday, September 5, 2008Reader Mail: The "DB" Hand Signal
douchey2coasts writes in:
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Hey db1-
i have been a long time fan of the site and living half the month in las vegas and the other half in south beach (the 2 meccas of douchedom) i consider myself a pro bag tagger. but even a a semi pro can bag tag in these two epicenters of doucheyness.
i myself have slipped to the darkside of douchedom every now and then but thanx to the good graces of the 12 step not-a-douche program i joined, i have made it back into the light….after seeing all i thought i could see.. i took this pic (ed: The Haiku Pic) in vegas over the labor day weekend, where douche was as prevelant as cowpies in a field.
keep up the good work… my office cant make it through the day without your site to the point where we came up with a secret douche hand sign to throw at each other while spotting douches from across the room…sent you the pic on that too…its the db hand signal…great way to make fun without gettin punched in the dome…hope you pass along the secret hand sign of the douche (me in the hat with my 2 girls giving the db hand sign)
your humble servant,
douchey 2coasts
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For inventing a cleverly subtle “DB” hand gesture for ‘bag taggers to communicate with each other, I tip my cup of the ‘Train in your direction. Even if you look like a solidly mockable Miami Beach douchewank, you have at least partially redeemed yourself with your actions and ‘bag tagging ability.
Good work, sir. Now lose the hat.
Caddyhack
What, do you get a free bowl of soup with that hat?
It looks good on you, though.
Friday, September 5, 2008Friday Haiku
Somewhere in Glendale,
Ricardo Montalban’s kids,
Waste trust funds on hotts.
young bridgette nielsen
partying with long duck dong
and douche with pink hair
— ted theodore scrotgan
After School Specials
Were made so kids would not grow
Up and be like this.
— massengill
a white hula skirt
corona does not age well
cold air arouses
— ‘bag lanta
Blonde hott’s skirt defies
Known Newtonian physics
Somewhere, Hawking cries
— anonymous
Back, and To The Left
It must be tough partying with the head-wound from the Kennedy Assassination crimping your style.
Reader Mail: The Deutschbag
Franz Baggenbauer writes in all the way from Deutchland:
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dear db1,
after days of researching your site for the true meaning of douchebag, i started browsing the pages of some clubs over here in cologne, germany. i daresay i found some pictures that may meet the requirements, although i did notice that those guys who could really make a name on your site usually arent with hott. that’s a good thing, i guess.
i’ll continue the search and hope i can enrich the collection of jersey-, weekend-in-vegas- and LA-douches with some nice deutschbags sooner or later. i’m a big fan of the page, thanks for the enterntainment
Franz Baggenbauer
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We’ve seen that the Global Douche Virus has touched lands as diverse as Finland, Australia, South America and Canada.
Even that douchey-ass country, Uruguay. Yeah, I’m talking about what a douche-ass country you are, Uruguay. What are you gonna do about it? Unlike your far superior neighbor Paraguay, which rules. Stupid Uruguay.
