Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Where's Waldouche? Partyyyy Edition

Somewhere in this lineup of pouty, if a tad uneven, club cutes (with Dark Haired Raven the ambiguously European standout), I’ve carefully hidden an aging Party Douche who likes to Party with multiple “y’s.”

In other words, he likes to partyyyyyyy.

Look closely.

can you find him?

The Sign

Occasionally, a new ‘bag hunter, having recently begun training in the Douchal Arts, will come up and ask me, “DB1, can you tag a ‘bag with a single sign? And if so, what is that sign?”

And I answer, “Aha, grasshopper. The question seeks an answer you cannot foresee. The specificity of the sign will change. But the reaction will be the same.”

Witness here.

Vinny has only one douchetribute. A combo hand gesture and hott headlock, forcing his girl to pull his arm down to breathe.

No kissy lips. No hat tilt. No annoying tatts. No hair highlight. Yet we can stamp “Douche” simply from that one gesture.

And while hott may be 17-ish, she’s surely turning 18 very soon. At which point I will buy her a car.

HCwDB of the Month: Mooby Dick

In a hotly debated contest in which each of our four finalists drew support, The Moobster’s overwhelming douchitude was too much to overcome.

Even with a lesser hott, Mooby Dick’s victory proves that while a gorgeous girl may carry a lesser douche to a victory in a Weekly, an uberdouche is too toxic for anything to overcome.

sir douche-a-lot explains the reasoning:

My score is based on 2xD + 1xH. The douche must be given more weight as even if the site were just “With Douchebags”, it would be nearly as gawkeriffic. Given the fact that (gay or not) Mooby is wearing the douchiest ensemble known to man, there is no possible way for any hott in this pool to sufficiently inflate their respective douchebag’s score to claim victory. The other douchebags are just not douchey enough.

Well said Sir DAL. There is no doubt that a powerful douche can invoke rage even with a lesser hott. And I disagree with many of the posters, as I think Mooby’s girl is a solid cutie. the doucheman cometh continues:

Mooby. While the hott presence is no where near that of the Hourglass or The Mariner, it is the hott presence that makes those pictures at least somewhat tolerable.

Mooby on the other hand makes me want to take my eyes and refresh them in a nice hydrochloric acid bath in an attempt to burn any memory of having viewed such an atrocity.

And fidouchiary responsibility further elaborates on the Moobster’s win:

Though Janice has more than a handful of goodness and Hourglass makes me question my own sexuality (I’m a girl), Mooby is an affront that is all wholesome, round and perky wonder. By flaunting his Moobs, he degrades all boobies. Truly, after witnessing his douchousity, can you look on the pert orbs of Hourglass loveliness and not suffer flashbacks of the Moob?

Maybe the hott is not so much – maybe she is blocked out by his Dollywood mounds of puffed-up wrongness – but Mooby should take the monthly, if only for the fact that his awesome douchitude can make us all, for a moment, think unkind thoughts about boobies.

Very well argued F.R. I think there is the potential for brain damage due to the Moobster. hp lovechoad agrees:

Mooby climbs to the top of the primordial waste heap, single handedly setting back the human race 100,000 years. He is the missing link, the alpha and omega, the proto-douche from a land that time has unfortunately not forgotten. Is he drunk on animal traqs? Does he have Down’s Syndrome? Has he received a baseball bat to the dome? All these mysteries and so little time.

The mystery of the pic definitely contributes to its genius, HP. And ronnie explains the sheer revulsion factor:

Though the hott is a bit lacking Mooby ‘s shirt is the douchiest thing ive ever seen, i may have to wash my eyes out with Bleach

As a last minute sub for Crapser The Douchey Ghost (who will likely turn up in the rocker douche category at the Douchies), Squidward represented. gratz casts in:

Squidward for sure…

With all of my love, he gets the prize for selecting a permanent life appearance in exchange for a few years of boffing the shallowest silicone displays.

But the perfection of the Hourglass and the Beachbag came in a solid third. champagne douchernova makes the case:

I want to vote for Hourglass. Hers is not a shape that sailed a thousand ships. Hers is the shape that makes me want to kill babies. And by kill babies, I mean masturbate.

Her body perfection wipes away the fact theat she’ll resemble my 25 year old 1st baseman’s glove in about 8 years.

There is only the now, my friend. And her now is very now. And the dude reminds us of the everybag rage of The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner:

I’m going with Scrotey Mariner, for the boobies – there’s twice as many. Those girls smile like they’ve already met me. Scrotey is scowling like he already knows his fate. A giant fish will leap out of the water and bitch slap him.

Yes it will, dude. But it’s the Moobs all the way. coco is on the case like Macy’s:

Mooby Dick, for taking it to the next level and showing us a hereunto unseen douche wardrobe piece. It’s an anthropological find. Also with a history of being a monthly winner, it will hopefully give him a record that will render him unable to ever run for public office

And buffy the scrotebag slayer:

The power of the Moob is much too strong. It makes my brain melt and my eyeballs explode on contact. It causes me to consider joining a convent in hopes of escaping the sheer horror, but I doubt if becoming a nun would be enough protection from douchiness of this magnitude. Angels will weep and newborn babies will be slapped in the face at the sight of this monstrosity…

Indeed.

If anything, the female ‘bag hunting vote carried the Moobster to his “victory.” And by victory, I mean societal loss.

There will be much debating this Monthly, as all four pics had arguments for their selection. But if your favorite lost out, do not fret. The Hourglass will most certainly be seen again at the Douchies in December, and possibly Squidward and the Mariner as well (a boatbag category perhaps?).

Excellent work to all Cultural Douche Theorists for another excellent round of deconstruction and mock. The lacerating wrongness of the Moobster and his Perky Coed have earned their spot in the Yearly.

An Uberdouche Named Neil

Around 250 million years ago, during the Paleozoic and Mesozoic Eras, what is present-day New Jersey bordered northern Africa as part of the supercontinent of Pangea.

The pressure of the collision between North America and Africa gave rise to the Appalachian Mountains. Then, around 180 million years ago, Pangea began to break apart, separating the North American continent from the African continent.

Around 18,000 years ago, the Ice Age resulted in glaciers that reached New Jersey. As the glaciers retreated, they left behind Lake Passaic, as well as many rivers, swamps, gorges, and an uberdouche named Neil.

The glacial retreat also resulted in Kimmy, the best friend of Neil’s 19 year old sister, Stephanie. Who is very, very drunk.

Scrote Turdowitz

From Moses Maimonides to Hermann Cohen to Theodor Herzl to Gershom Scholem to this.

Scrote Turdowitz.

The leader of a multicultural posse of fratwankery and a sexy goy hott into the Promised Land. And by Promised Land, I mean a house party near Hermosa Beach.

Good work, S.T. I’m convinced. You’ve turned me into a Sighonist.

Get it? Sighonist???

Heh… uhm… forget it.

OldBags on the Block

Woh… woh… woh… woh… woh. Hangin’ Scrotes.

Old, douchey and synchronized dance moves are no way to go through life, son.

Next thing you’ll tell me, American Idol’s Randy Jackson was a douched up Brothabag bass player for Journey.

Don’t stop believin’. Dawg.

EDIT: Probably better not to link to our mystery party girl.

Tatty McTatterson

There’s a certain aesthetic genius when a scrote manages to match a chaotic hat design with his chest tatts. It’s like douchery designed by Edith Head.

Toss in the perfectly coiffed Hitler Chin, the smug yet subtle douche-face, and the ability to make hand gesture while in inverted ‘bag sandwich formation, and Tatty is impressive. And by impressive, I mean dead rodent.

Hard to say where the ambiguously quartasian Lemon Sisters rank on the hott scale. But them hindquarters look firm like angry bull on deepest summer. They could crush a walnut at fifty yards and still have time to enjoy a chipwich at the 7-11.

Reader Mail: 'Bagling Hunters

—-
DB1,

Choad the Wet Spocket
—-

If there’s one thing I can contribute to Western Civilization in my short time on this earth, it is teaching six year olds to mock the choad and celebrate the hott.

Caption This Pic

When Kendra ran away from home to become a roadie for the emo band “Jigsaw,” she didn’t know one of her jobs would include anal wart removal.

Droopy McScrote Seeks Woman to Bow Down to Him

From last month’s Monthly winner, Droopy’s actual Craigslist personals post:

—-
So basically I’m an amazing person that people love to hate because I’m so fly. So I’m about having a good time with my people. I love to party VIP for everything. I love to be the center of attention. So I’m looking for a woman that bows down to me and loves to wait on her man hand and foot. I consider myself a made man in my life. My hero is K-Fed that is a made man in you truly consider it. He got at the time a certified dime then had a woman on the side then got married and now has three kids by two women. All I can say is that fool is a pimp. So if you want to roll in style and be VIP to everything then feel free to hit me up…

Please enclose a picture to see if you get my stamp of approval
Thank You
(Droopy)
—-

On this, the day of the August HCwDB of the Month, it is important to appreciate when we’re in the presence of true douche greatness.

And by greatness, I mean droopy poo and Surfer Kelly hott.