Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

He Rides the Short Boat

It is a sad, sad moment for those who claim cultural progression when we collectively realize that a barely literate boatdouche with bramble tatts is sitting on a boat with four of the most sparkling examples of crystalline femininity this side of a naughty librarian convention.

These four bouncing beauties of boobie hottie suckle thigh are so hot, they reject death as a trope. They inspire angels to rend fabric and cry out in tongues. Their butts do not poo, they produce buttery cocoa cremes gift-wrapped in glittery sparkle paper.

Fraubags und Fraulein

Hail, hail East Germany / Land of fruit and grape / Land where you’ll regret / If you try to escape / No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall / Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn’t first.

Friday Thoughts and Links

BREAKING: Natalie Portman no longer Dating a Yeti.

Ah, Natalie. My tiny bottled brand name water of hott. My little jello shot of perfectly formed Librarian Glasses Wearing Brunette. I would put thee over my knee and softly paddle thy upper thigh area with my collection of vintage Hot Wheels cars until you asked me why I was using words like “thee” and “thy.”

And I’d stop, and apologize, and get you a Mr. Pibb from the kitchen.

Come to me, Natalie. I will regale you with made-up stories about my adventures on the high seas battling pirates and whales, and then we’d make out while watching Mad Men.

Speaking of Semitic Hotts, Sarah Silverman may be quirky and odd, but she still Gefiltes My Fish. Now that she’s dumped Jimmy Kimmel’s ginormous melonhead, I’ll add her to the list of those who will find their inner thighs softly paddled by vintage Hot Wheels cars.

Congrats to our newest enshrinement in the hallowed Hall of Scrote Fung, listed below his earlier formulation as a Prompa. And congrats to HCwDB of the Week winner, I Say, Old Chap, who will fill in admirably in the Monthly.

As of this morning, the Hot Chicks with Douchebags book was #10 on Amazon’s “Literary Theory” bestseller list, directly between Walter Benjamin’s “Reflections” and a book on philosopher Giordano Bruno. My life is complete.

And lets not forget The Slim Trim Razor, for that perfectly coiffed douche-face.

Los Angeles smells like burnt umber. But it’s sunny. And everyone’s happy. So who am I to complain.

The Ass and I part 2: Spectacle and Representation

When last we studied The Ass and I, we considered Feynman’s theory that all of matter consists of a single electron, traveling backwards and forwards through time to form everything. Which would mean therefore that we are not simply staring at an ass. That ass is us.

For this pic, let us turn to Guy Debord and his discussion of the spectacle in the age of post-modernity:

In societies where modern conditions of production prevail, all of life presents itself as an immense accumulation of spectacles. Everything that was directly lived has moved away into a representation.

From Debord’s perspective, that ass is both ass and representation of ass. It is ass as spectacle and ass as signification of previous ass spectacle, ass infinitum.

Richie's Night Out

Richie’s going for the exotic/classy thing, taking Kimmy and Kelly to the new Indian restaurant that opened downtown. I get that.

But chest shave + talisman necklace + six opened buttons? And a crescendo hair fauxhawk?

Sorry Rich, we have to tag you ‘bag. Stage-2 Suburbanbag.

I would bribe a small Bedouin boy with rice and mead to steal Susan’s cocktail glass while she’s in the bathroom just so I could rush home and awkwardly fondle it while listening to old Fats Waller records.

Friday Haiku

Rubber raft floats… floats…
On reservoir. Kimmy tans.
Herp sore in shadow.

must be a theme park.
AVAST! retarded pirates
make off with your girl.

— pfah

washed up beach-bag
rafts in city sewage stream
hottie walks the plank

— canadouche

avast fine beauty!
why dost thou ride with a douche?
arr! it reeks of poo

— bcs

“Ahoy, Me hearties”!
“I be the douche Cap’n Bob”
I pray for Kraken.

— doucheous scrotimus

He sure looks the tough.
But pink (re-read PINK) striped shorts!
View is bad from here.

— Holbrooks Douchestershire Sauce

Greasehead Doggie 'Baggin'

One of last year’s HCwDB Wonder Twin Duo, The Greaseheads, likes to get his shirtless Hebraic Douchin’ on, Doggie Style.

The Hebrew Tatt translates roughly:

And Adonai said, Lo! / The Greasehead is a douche! / And I am the Lord your G-D, and you shall mock him in pixelated form. / Especially for his douchey white belt.

Amanda's Beard

I haven’t seen a beard that thick since the Cruise-Holmes wedding. It’s like 400 caterpillers got trapped inside the Large Hadron Collider. It’s like the residue left in the sink after Robin Williams fell into a vat of Nair. It’s like a Merkin left over from 1892 after Hurricane Ike tossed it through a bramble.

Oh lovely Amanda. I would compose sonnets entirely in Pig Latin them sing them to you with only a lute and mouth harp to accompany me during the twelve-tone bridge section. I would hire the Kronos Quartet to finish the Trio in B Minor, and then we would repose to the boudoir, where we’d sip Champale out of plastic cups, with only the light of a flickering Bugs Bunny Nightlight to keep us illuminated. I would then awkwardly fondle your knee while you sighed and checked your watch.

Is Fung a Prompa?

Numerous readers have written in claiming that last week’s HCwDB of the Week winner, Fung, appears to be one of the infamous High School Oompa Prompas, all grown up, sporting facial fung, and having ripened from orange to purple.

First, let us relive the offensive orange-face High School travesty of the Prompas, as they wait for Prom, Pose at the Prom, and ditch their dates to party at the After-Prom Party.

The Prompas echo the offensive minstrel shows of Vaudeville filtered through the lens of Jersey-Douche manscaping.

But is Fung one and the same as Prompa #1?

Even more convincing is this later Prompa shot.

This would make sense, as only the Orange Face clownishness of a Prompa could make such an impact on the HCwDB community without the requisite Hottie to balance the HCwDB equation and force us to contemplate dialectic.

But if Fung is a Prompa, this would also impact both the Monthly and the 2008 Douchies.

Can a Prompa, already enshrined in our hallowed Hall of Scrote be allowed to compete again in the Monthly, and the 2008 Douchies? Or should we hand the Weekly to the runner-up, I Say, Old Chap?

What say you?

Ask DB1: Why Can't I Understand HCwDB?

newbie asks:

—
someone sent me a link to your site and i’m reading through and i get the general concept. But when it comes to your name tags, like Fish Slap, Gauntlet, etc. i’m not sure if i should understand what goes on or if i need to read through your entire years worth of archives.

i guess i’m saying is this, is it like femullet or something of that nature where you can understand what the name tag means? or would a glossary be a good idea to new people?
—-

While most names should be somewhat self-evident (Fish Slap because he needs to be slapped by a giant dead fish, etc.), there is indeed a glossary of terms you can find at the back of my book, on sale at Amazon.

Don’t think of it as spending $12.21, needing only an additional $12.79 for your order to qualify for FREE Super Saver Shipping.

Think of it as gaining the wisdom of a lifetime of douchological mock and hottie lust within a larger philosophical dialectic.

Or you can just read along for a few days and pick up the terms as you go. So long as you understand that douches are to be mocked and hotts lusted after, the rest falls into place fairly quickly.