Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

A.S.O.W.

All sorts of wrong.

Just… all sorts of wrong.

HCwDB of the Week

Extremely tough week to cull down to three finalists. There were at least six or seven worthy pics. Good thing I’m aided by a mean ‘Train hangover and a tasty bowl of Lucky Charms. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Sideburn Harry

He’s a little “pro” in his douchery, but the innovative Sidekick Pose + Self Portrait is too scrotally innovative to ignore.

And let us not forget Maria, who came here from Peru to seek a better life working at the Macy’s Flagship store in Manhattan.

Yes, she may be pushing early 30s. But, as I am a magnanimous sort, I would still bite upon her toesies while reciting nursery rhymes in Sanskrit.

It isn’t her fault that she ended up getting mugged by a greased up tri-shaved ubertool.

Well. Maybe it is her fault a little bit.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Kenner

Like two plastic action figures hanging on the pin at that old Child World store in Framingham, Massachusetts, Kenner and Jenny are a form of proto-robotic HCwDB.

Do they have Kung-Fu Grip?

Are they packaged with a free Pokemon Disc?

Would I hump Jenny’s lower thigh area like a broken automaton that was wound too tight at a 19th Century street fair in Astor Place?

Yes. Yes I would.

Nice chest shave, jackass.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Acey Douchey

Aces up, for a classic Chicago Ubersquat.

The only thing holding this pic back from sheer hottie/douchey genius is the “pro” nature of the pose.

A little too much self-referential ironobaggery. It’s like post-post-modernism. Unlike Still Life with Coors Light, the signifiers betray critique as much as inspiration.

But we’ve honored other “pro” ‘bags on the site. Like The Gator.

And the gun, money, vodka and kissy lips all earn serious douche-points, no matter what the intention. While the dual hotts offer curves of deep sociopolitical introspection.

In addition to these three Finalists, we had a number of pics last week in consideration for the 2008 Douchies, including the Great Googley Moogley of Four Points, The Mugging (which also features a great rant from the people in the pic in the comments thread), Jimmy’s Hand, The Neverending Story’s Bastian, and the quarter bouncing tautness of the Moon Pie.

And lets not forget the odious DJ Bello, who deserves some form of recognition. And by recognition, I mean crotch leeches.

But these are your three. Which coupling has both hott and choad in dialectic to force an ideological reexamination of the self, The real, and cultural hierarchy?

That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

Ask DB1: The "Camerabag"

The camera guy in the DJ Bello clip brings up an important question:

Whither the Cameradouche?

—-
DB1-

This email is regarding the forgotten douche- the douche who actually takes the picture of the douche(s) and hott(s). Your site needs to recognize this undeniable doucheness. Although it cannot be seen, we know it exists.

It’s like the wind, if the wind thought it was a good idea to immortalize such unreasonable scenes of douchery alongside hottness, in a photograph. –

Andrew Jackson-
—

Well said, A.J. In this example, there is the Self-Douche-Portrait. But in others, we must consider the douchery of the camera operator as a form of embedded hegemonic ideological reinforcer. Or, in post-Gramsci terms, a doucherstructure.

In regards to this pic, I’d only like to add one word. Mound Mellons.

Okay. That was two words.

DJ Bello Hearts Fur

Here’s even more stage-4 Uberdouche from the rankest festering cold sore on the lip-herp blight of our social formation. The one and only DJ Bello.

I gotta find a 2008 Douchie Award for this pud. The problem is the lack of hott in his clips. A douche on their own is like Yin without Yang. It has no meaning but nihilistic void.

WARNING: Minimal Hott appearance, once again.

A Book Certified 'Bag Responds to HCwDB

A solid sense of humor goes a long way towards recovery, Guy Who Could Snap My Spine Like a Twig. But if you’re in the book, you use the word “fagget,” and you hit on your waitress, sorry, there’s no escaping the cold hard facts. Yer a douche.

Now please don’t snap my spine like a twig.

No More No More Miami Mice

PIC DELETED

The metaphysical refractions of a takedown of a takedown threaten the space/time continuum.

Anonymous Porsche Girl writes in:

—-
take down the post “no more miami mice” because it has my face in the picture with joey the f@#king asshole. i dont want picture on your website. thanks. if you dont take it down i will report it bc you didnt ask for my permission to have me on your website.
—-

Sweet Smookums, simply for dissing The Porsche, I will honor your kneecaps.

With a pic of Joey Porsche wannabe, Johnny Blaze.

Friday Links

Clearing out the pixel-attic on an overcast Friday in Los Angeles and wondering if Ace of Spades here needs a beat down from the starting defensive line on the Chicago Bears, or maybe the Dallas Cowboys.

Speaking of football, a Fantasy Football playing fan of the site named his team the Yabba Dabba Douchebags and created the following genius team logo. Nicely done, sir. Fred and Wilma as HCwDB. Love it.

Hot Porsche with Douchebag

An article from England may explain the recent preponderance of makeup on the douchescrotes: Men Brush Up on Male Makeup

This headshave pattern is so out there, it’s actually pretty great.

He Still Wants to Sex You Up

Sometimes, when you can’t figure out how to work a chair, it’s best to kick another kid in the face.

The late, great comedy mastermind, Mitch Hedberg, has a posthumous CD just released. Check it out. The man was a genius.

And while you’re buying stuff on Amazon, if you haven’t already and you’re a fan of this site, order a copy of my book, Hot Chicks with Douchebags. It makes a great gift for Ramadan.

No more Miami Mice

PIC DELETED

One of the fastest takedown requests in history, someone help me decipher this cryptic text:

—-
Take down the picture of Miami Mice. Once again I love the haters and the extra publicity. Coming to a TV screen near all of u very soon, now take the picture down or my people shall be in contact. Thank You again and have a great day.
—-

Well, we “haters” will always have Joey Porsche.

Groin First

He shames us all, Ashley.

He shames us all.

Miami Mice

PIC DELETED

Oh, I saw this one!!

Don Johnson and that other guy go undercover as oiled up Miami douchewanks on a quest to save little Maria Hottriguez from a lifetime of Bleethed out douchebaguette.

And then there’s a Peter Gabriel song and a slo-mo montage of boats.

Love that episode.