Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

Syrup not enough,
To mark douche. But Hotts and cups?
Enough to happy.

Bosom Buddies 2
Starring some New Jersey putz
Spike T.V. this fall.

– charles nelson douchely

way back in the day
girls wore a lot more clothing
to a house party

— johnny scrotten

Can’t Haiku right now
My college was not like this
Not having daughter.

— dunkterdouche

“Hey check it out bro,
extreme chocolate beer shakes dude!”
nobody cares chad.

— bcs

Dance Fever

Yikes.

I don’t know if this guy is a douche, bats for the home team, or is just really happy to be crimson.

But I do know this. I loved him on Fraggle Rock.

Kimmy isn’t a classic hott, but she is Iowa corn fed hay rolling delight. I would gladly go to the five and dime out back near Jimmy’s hay field, before taking her to a pool party where Cybil Shepard will strip naked on the diving board and the whole thing turns out to actually be a metaphor for the decline of the American dream in small towns in the early 1970s. And is in black and white.

Jimmy's Hand

This pic is a puzzlement. A mystery.

Yes, we have standard Orange Long Island Douche mugging two very cute Fashion Institute Majors on summer break back in Montauk.

But what remains a mystery is Doucheface’s right hand. Could this be an entirely new genus of ‘bag hand gesture? The “Double Middle Finger”? A mini “Westside”? The “Not So Shocker”?

‘Bagologists working out of Jim Swarthow’s office in Provo, Utah, are pouring over research as we speak.

And yes, I would take both of the Peace Twin Hotts to the Freshman sorority kegger. And share my Red Cup of Miller Lite with them. Then I’d ask them what their major is.

Moon Pie

The History of the Great American MoonPie

Early in the 1900s, while servicing his territory of Kentucky, Tennessee and West Virginia, Mr. Mitchell was visiting a company store that catered to the coal miners. He asked them what they might enjoy as a snack. The miners said they wanted something for their lunch pails. It had to be solid and filling.

“About how big?,!” Mr. Mitchell asked. Well about that time the moon was rising, so a miner held out his big hands, framing the moon and said, “About that big!”

So, with that in mind, Mr. Mitchell headed back to the bakery with an idea. Upon his return he noticed some of the workers dipping graham cookies into marshmallow and laying them on the window sill to harden. So they added another cookie and a generous coating of chocolate and sent them back for the workers to try.

The response they got back was so enormous that the MoonPie became a regular item for the bakery.

By the late 1950’s, the MoonPie had grown in popularity, so much that the bakery did not have the resources available to produce anything else. The phrase “RC Cola and a MoonPie” became well known around the South, as many people enjoyed this delicious, bargain-priced combination.

By the early 2000s, the phrase “Moon Pie” began to refer to greased up hott butt in the presence of ridiculously mohawked Vegas douche.

Sideburn Harry II

No more cellphone pose, but another delicious hott on his arm, and even more detail in the follicle spike.

Is Sideburn Harry making a run for the Weekly?

Bastian

I’m pretty sure that in The Neverending Story version that I remember, Bastian does not save the Empress Moon Child by turning himself orange and making the Kissy Lips.

Maybe this is the updated version.

New, From Kenner

I can’t tell why this pic unnerves me so.

It’s like my childhood action figures came to life, and one of them turned into an oily, pumped up douchewank.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Where’s the hand gestures? Where’s the overdone tatts? What makes Action Figure Ken so unnerving?

Again, this is Douche Aura. You just know, in your heart of hearts, that this guy suckles Alpaca teat.

Oh, Jenny. Your sharp, angular curves warm my fireplace on cold, wintery nights. Your smile and retro mid 90s roots showing Melrose Place angst would spank me like the naughty chocolate stealing child that I once was, and still long to be.

I would revel in your overachieving, highly ambitious, yet sexually cold and emotionally dysfunctional ways, like a drunk koala on no-doze.

Ask DB1: Douche Aura

—-
Dear DB1,

Thanks,
-A Rookie ‘Bag Hunter
—-

The issue you’re bringing up is what we call “Douche Aura,” ARBH. The moment when the sum total of douchuous essence rises above the physical manifest of uberchoadosity as presented in the structural signifiers within the cultural markers of scrotepoo.

Douche Aura is the subjective. It is located outside of taxonomic quantification. Like Roland Barthes’s notion of the Punctum, Douche Aura summons a subjective experience in each viewer that is rendered unique in relation to each of our experiences with Douchal Plague. These responses are not objectively measurable, but still legitimate.

In short, this man is choad. And she is hott.

Four Points

Great Googley Moogley.

I’m being pointed at on so many levels.

Sideburn Harry

Back when I was in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois, we used to have a term for guys like this.

That term was douche.