Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: X-Lax

I had a feeling this week would be a domination by the orange suppository, and I was correct. douchey fogledouche explains:

The vote has to be for X-Lax. It’s a simple matter of completeness. While Megahead and Corey Hamster are serious contenders, they can’t complete with the completeness of X-Lax’s douchery.

So it’s X-Lax, for his careful attention to douche detail.

Well checklisted, Fogledouche. Didn’t Opus’s hot girlfriend have a tattoo of you on her butt? But back to X-Lax. douchington chodeskins tosses the pigskin and agrees:

X-lax … and it’s a joke that there even had to be a question about it. He has the other 2 out-douched by 78 clicks … and by clicks I mean orange.

Well put, D.C. bagnes of God agrees, making the case for the diuretics:

Sheer ubiquitousness of this asspipe make me want to vote for him, not to mention that blubbery, slack lower lip that I would love to snag with a four-pronged Dixie Jet from a fast-moving bass boat. The Hotts, while beginning to Bleeth, still have potential to be saved, and, sans ghoul makeup and laquer-head are still some pretty girls. However, they are tangled in this insidious web of doucherey, falling into the cheap vodka-scented hell of orange-spray-tanland and loving it. While I was really pulling for Cheeks, I’d have to say X-Lax certainly moves me in ways I don’t really like. Shoulda put less imitation butter flavoring on that popcorn last night…

I agree that The Cheeks had the uberdouche factor, but something was just a bit too creepy about them to give them Weekly status. However, Corey Hamster also found some votes, as cleopatra argues:

Corey Hamster. For that stupid “I take myself very seriously” face. The others are also very douchy. But the Hamster’s facial expression puts him over the top.

Well put, Cleo. the lone scroat agrees:

The Hamster, FTW. Fuchsia hott is smokin’ and his collar is wider than the wingspan of a 747.

And mr. biggs finds deep scrotal wrongness beneath the comedic veneer of Megahead, as did a number of other ‘bag hunters:

If we go by the rubric of hottie which attracts all humanity clinging onto a douche nobody cares for or respects, it would have to be Megahead FTW, followed by Hamster for a close second. This is because Hamster looks redeemable. Not the douche (though he’s still young) but the hott – she doesn’t look so attached, like she just keeps him around while looking around for something better.

Contrast that with megahead, where the hott is definitely showing signs of engagement, pressing such perfect cleavage firmly against old man flab. I think this is the last thing Oedipus really saw before he gouged his eyes out.

There is a very good chance The Hamster inspired many a Greek tragedy. But this was a stool softening domination.

douche douschofferson brings the 70s singer/songwriter ethos to the next level: X-LAX gets my emphatic vote.

odouchius: X-lax, because he makes it look easy. Even while ensnaring two sorority hotts and simultaneously throwing out dual hand gestures, there is no hint of tension or self doubt on that punchably perfect orange douch

scrotebob douchepants: Orange is enough to take the Weekly. X-Lax for the win. He’s the guy even I would have avoided in college.

And dunkterdouche brings home the solid victory:

There is just no contest here. X-Lax for the win. His body of work shows a transcendence form mere scrtoebaggerty into full blown Douchebaggery of the 3rd Kind. Throughout his body of work we see the most important hallmarks of a bag. From the tongue, the white tie all the way to the dealmaker, the kissy lips.

He makes me want to implement a national sterilization program.

Well said, DD. I was surprised at the Pedro fans, as he struck me as standard issue (and without hand gesture or sneer), but his hott was delectable. Maybe I’ll toss Pedro in next week’s Weekly, to give him his due. And by due, I mean poo.

But this is X-Lax’s day to shine like a polished turd. Chalk him and his bevy of rotating college hotts a slot in the Monthly. They’ve earned it.

The DeVry Three Year Reunion Contd.

Looks like I cut out of that DeVry Technical Institute Reunion just a tad early. Before things really got off tha hook.

You go with your bad self, Tony. That subtle three tiered hair fade is way classy.

The Mugging

There are many laws on the books protecting an individual from both civil and criminal violation by a Douchescrote Posse.

Punishments vary, but judges tend to be especially harsh when the victim in question is a boobie hottie suckle thigh.

But those laws don’t go far enough.

I’m advocating we bring back the leeches.

The Great White North

Come to the Great White North!

Play some hockey.

Enjoy the crisp, rain soaked, pollution free air.

Experience the beauty of natural forests and sequoia trees.

Watch as a douche-clown makes the douche-face while getting double kissed by the side of the road in rural Washington State.

Caption This Pic

The Hoboken “Class of 2005 DeVry Technical Institute” Three Year Reunion was sparsely attended, and Joey totally cleaned up.

DJ Bello Needs Some Lovin'

Our second installment of the DJ Bello YouTube Series marking the End of Civilization as We Know It is a litmus test for the stamina of even the most experienced douche hunter.

Use the following time chart, marked by when you can take no more of this atrocity, to determine your Douchal Tolerance Level:

00:00-00:30 — Level 1 Entry Level ‘Bag Hunter
00:30-01:05 — Level 2 — Moderate to Advanced ‘Bag Hunter
01:05-:01:35 — Well trained, if masochistic, Advanced Level ‘Bag Hunter
01:35-02:0 — Megods, how are you still breathing?
01:35-02:24 — Get thee to a hospital, you are now sterile

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

Yeah, Timmy’s grinning it up, has on a stupid mandana + hair spike and is awkwardly trying to flash his allegiance to African-American gangs signs originally meant to mark territory in Compton.

But he just seems so… happy to be there.

I can’t call douche on him. I just can’t. So I thought I’d open it up to the floor.

Is Timmy ‘bag? Or nottabag?

Sue-Ellen has the hopeful smile, shining white teeth, elegant Prell scented hair sheen and hint of curvy boobage that causes men to go insane, claw out their eyeballs, swallow their tongues, and start wars. Sue-Ellen’s smile offers the promise that we can forget about our own flaws and inadequacies for a fortnight, and fulfill all the unfulfilled promise of our childhood. By suckling on her clavicle.

Where's Waldouche: "Ex Hang" Edition

Somewhere in this lineup of tri-hott tips featuring the most perfectly designed blue dress hott since late 90s Dawson’s Creek Michelle Williams, I’ve placed an Ex Hang.

Look closely.

Can you kick him in the nads for making a hand gesture while holding a pack of smokes?

Natasha Minx Gets Spanked

There’s definitely a backstory to this pic of an elegant brunette with suckable forearms getting spank interrogated by the Russian mob in a basement outside of Volgograd while DJ Scrotey Scrote poses with full on Yankee tilt.

What that backstory is is anyone’s guess.

My money is that it involves stolen microfiche, a crucial game of bacharach and sixteen penguins named Tom.

Yup. Not making sense.

Need a coffee.

Criss Cross'll Make Ya Dump

Famed prestidouchitator Criss Angel knows who he’s voting for in the Weekly. Do you?