Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Double Crosser

Watch out, Jenny! He’ll double cross ya!

Haha!! Get it?? Because he has two crosses on. Heh.

(ahem)

Is this thing on?

And… boobs.

Name That Chin Pube

It’s not often that a stool sample (and his disinterested best bud, “Kal”) caught mugging sweet Midwestern girls from Chippewa Falls inside a sauna straight out of a Mitchell Brothers 1970s porn has a facial configuration that deserves its own persona.

This is that time.

I’m turning it over to you, the fellow ‘bag hunters. It is now your patriotic duty to Name That Chin Pube.

Rex?

Grover?

Mister Wigglesworth?

The Pucker

Some douches use bling/tatts/facial-pubes to announce their hyper-masculine social worth in presence of the hott.

Some simply use “The Pucker.”

The Pucker knows who he’s voting for in the HCwDB of the Week contest. Do you?

HCwDB of the Week

Going through the emails and getting the pics together for a busy week, and reflecting on the fact that Jon Hamm should not be hosting SNL, as great as he is in Mad Men. Peyton List should be. And by “hosting,” I mean fondling. And by “SNL” I mean my middle toesies.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Chumlee

Chumlee has that smug “model” look going. The jaundice skin. The hint of silver dye in the hair. The oily oiledness.

Combine that with the stripey scarf, the shaved chest, the ferret chin fung, the hat and the stupid hand gesture, and he’s a douche that’s more than the sum of his adouchrements.

And Beatrice is simply bursting forth with all that is holy and gelatinous in life.

Beatrice is strong of leg, with mountain climbing build.

She could crush your spine with her legs, then cook a chicken pot pie for supper.

I want her to punish me cruelly and without mercy. For I have been very naughty. My lower butt area needs light but firm whacking with a slide ruler and a box of Mike-n-Ikes.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Kreep

Yes, the girl in the middle is scary skinny. And yes, the tripartite facial hair on Kreep looks like a cancer patient’s crotch.

But Native Hottmerican on the right makes my wumpa want to wigwam, and my Native American term for something want to Native American term for something.

Uhm. I think I just went what the kids call “meta.” Back on track, DB1. Back on track.

Silly tatt. Hott and douche mediated by toothpick girl.

It’s not a masterwork of choad/boob cohabitation. But it’s enough to make Finalist status.

For Brunette is sulty and happy and perky and probably a great listener while I regale her with tales of my adventures in the Subcontinent.

And Kreep is a trool.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Italian Sausage and Asian Mellon Salad

Uhm.

Yeah.

This pic cannot be unseen.

Like the videotape in Ringu, The Sausage and Mellon Salad is cursed with the haunting spectrality of ghostly shrunken nads, mediated through a pixelated digital intermediary.

And yet, there is hope.

Archy backs make my heart race, and Shin-Lau has arms of lickable munchable mellon perfection.

She is the yin to his tiny, tiny, yang.

Speaking of: Pointing. At. His. Yang.

So them’s your three. Which of these couplings has just the right alchemy balance between the dialectics of hottie/douchey commingling?

That decision, fellow ‘bag hunters, is in your court. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

DJ Drippy Head

Here’s an exclusive, if brief, interview conducted recently with DJ Drippy Head by our crack HCwDB staff:

HCwDB: DJ Drippy Head. You wear two-tone sweatshirts and phallically grip your mic like the baddest suburban DJ around. Is there anything you’d like to say to your fans?

DJ Drippy Head: Yes. I’d like to say hey!

HCwDB: Anything else?

DJ Drippy Head: I’d also like to say ho!

HCwDB: DJ Drippy Head, should your fans wave their arms in the air?

DJ Drippy Head: Yes. Yes they should. Like they just don’t…

HCwDB: Care?

DJ Drippy Head: Wow, that rhymes! You phat, brotha.

HCwDB: What about the roof, DJ Drippy Head? Is it on fire?

DJ Drippy Head (looking up): The roof? The roof? Nope. It doesn’t appear to be. Why do you ask?

HCwDB: DJ Drippy Head, thank you and these two lovely ladies, for your time.

Veronica: Can I get my fifty bucks now?

HCwDB Halloween Contest

The HCwDB Halloween Contest is in full effect.

If you and your boobie hottie suckle thigh dress up as a hottie/douchey toxic swirl this Halloween, send in your pic to me, douchebag1, and the best hottie/douchey costume combo will win a prize. Contest ends November 5th, or whenever the Prompas submit themselves.

Yeah, it’s not a cash prize. It’s not a six pack of PBR. It’s a free signed copy of my book.

Hey, whaddaya want? Six dozen roses and a HoHo? I got a smelly carpet.

Hot Chick with Metsbag

EDIT: Looks like the original video got pulled off YouTube, and I’m pulling the replacement vid for lameness, so here’s a classic from way back in 2007: Hot Chicks with Metsbag.

The Toxic Mess

A couple of people wrote in to note that this morning’s pic, Cletus, the Slackjaw Douchebag may have in fact been actually “challenged,” not just douchally challenged.

So I’m swapping that pic out with this toxic mess.

I’m not sure what backstory lead to this conflation of greasy Eurodouche and slutty-hott Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pinky Solid Color Bikini.

But I’d imagine it involves copeous amounts of alcohol, significant credit card debt, and a cold, unloving stepfather named “Frank.”

Friday Thoughts and Links

Some random Friday Links, as I clean out the pixel closet, and Brothabag Leon relaxes with Cathy in the Bahamas.

Which is douchier, buying Tag Bodyshots because you think it’ll get you women, or stealing it and getting busted?

And yes, I discovered that link on The Smoking Gun while examining my own link. The simulacrum is now pointing back to me.

The douchebags win!! Yayyyy!!!

Man Junk. Strong enough for a man. Made for a scrotewank. And it’s organic!

Broheim!! Muscles, Bra!!

Scroteboy Slim was so upset that people accused him of lying about his Cornell Degree, he actually sent in a pic. Yes, that’s real. This is just getting sad.

Get Dane Cook Ringtones!! Uhm… no thanks.

Here’s another pic of my future ex-wife and doubles tennis partner, Hamster Hott. And another. Alls she needs are some cute little black rimmed librarian glasses, and then she could spank me with a ruler. And I’d be happy.

Caption This Pic

Stop calling him that! He prefers to go by ‘Richard.”