Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

I’d like to welcome all the new readers visiting for the first time. Welcome to the Hot Chicks with Douchebags experience! Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.

Here’s your Friday Haiku:

Arched-back hott, scrumptious.
Ripped L’Italiano douche cloth,
Points at small package.

More Haikus from the comments thread:

an italian flag?
from the looks of that sausage,
it’s from vienna.

— bcs

Small Italian link
with giant Asian melons
Bad lunch combo there

— doucheous Scrotimus

“Is that a raisin
In your Speedo, or are you
Just glad to see me?”

— boatbutter

Soaked in greasy brine
Ripped and balding old guido
Has Midget Gherkin

— clementine of cappadoucha

his bellybutton
looks like sideways vagina
or a second mouth

— johnny scrotten

Ask DB1: The Douche-Hott Singularity

Julia writes in:

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Douchebag1-

Couldn’t it be said, that the “hot chicks” typify the lady douche, and if that were the case, isn’t the douche just meeting his equal? I think the pic you chose for your book cover, features two people of equal hotness and douchery. Was this your intention?
– Julia
—-

What you’re referring to Julia is the act of “Bleething,” in which Douche and Hott come together and the scrotal infection taints both. They become a singularity of fester.

Again it must be noted that all men, myself included, have been douche in service of the hott. Just as the Croatian Lungfish learns to swim intricate patterns to attract female Lungfish, so do we carve our hair and grease our foreheads to gain suckle thigh.

My mission quest is to save the hott by changing the culture. By rearranging the semiotics of discourse into a new alignment in which douchery is no longer necessary.

Then, and only then, will the boobies be free.

Terry

DJ Bello and Brothabag Leon back-to-back are a little too much to take, so lets dial it back down with a stage-1 Fratbag, Terry.

He’s barely a douche. Almost got a nottadouche pass. But note the white belt. And subtle “Shocker” gesture on his right hand.

Classy, Terry. Classy.

And I see you three sexy girl-next-door sorority sisters, Heather, Veronica and Betty. They came for that slammin’ disco ball effect.

It’s on sale at Radio Shack for only $29.95.

Brothabag Leon Loves Strictly Women

While we’re checking in on classic ‘bags, HCwDB legend Brothabag Leon has a message for us as well, from his actual MySpace account:

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Please pray for me. I had a check up today and I tested positive for SEXY. Im allergic to HATERS, My blood type is ROCKSTAR & the doctor said “THIS IS WHY IM HOT” IF U SCOPING MY PAGE, REQUEST ME, TOP FRIEND ME, AND ENJOY” NO GAY REQUESTS I LOVE STRICTLY WOMEN”
—-

Yeah, he sent me a takedown request last time, but I have no choice but to run this pic. It’s not an option. It’s a civic duty. For the world must know. Brothabag Leon tested positive for SEXY.

And Long Island Jenny has firm, childbearing hips that I greatly admire.

DJ Bello Wants to Say "Thank you, Haterz"

All you haterz, DJ Bello’s got a message for you.

Peace out.

Quato

Even in Sweden, the hotts are confused by D.J. scrotewankery.

But on the bright side, Quato’s repented his early mutant terrorist ways, and has made peace with larger society.

French Axe is for Showers

Fordouche Baggins snaps this pic for us of an oh-so-aptly titled French Axe Bodyspray display in Paris.

At first you may not notice the genius. Look closer. Read the fine print (click on the image for closer examination).

Note the lovely synergy of language, semiotics, global product and snickering.

Chumlee's Philosophical Quest

Ever since Plato first argued that knowledge is a series of unchanging truths, we have looked at the douche-scrote as a fixed entity.

However, when in the late 4th Century, Augustine posited that the human body is not inherently douchey, the potential for degreasing entered into the realm of the metaphysic.

When in 1605, Sir Francis Bacon asked us to position our preconceptions of douche and bleeth as an obstruction to enlightenment, it was only a matter of time before Immanuel Kant introduced subjectivity and boobie lust as two fundamental biases that serve as limiting concepts on our ability to understand nature in toto.

Witness Chumlee’s ‘Bag Hand Gesture, pictured here.

He sees, but he does not see. His hands signify the limits of perception, and the biases of the mind in presence of boobie hottie suckle thigh.

Chumlee acknowledges a Kantian framework, even as his fingers suggest a fifth grade hand gesture for female genitalia.

For, in spite of his douchey hat and punch-worthy face, Chumlee cannot deny his philosophical journey. Just as Beatrice seeks out truth through conscious detachment. She inverts her own understandings of boobies within Husserl’s object/subject noemata. She witnesses her boobies from afar, as if they are not her own. She only sees them as others do.

For they are soft and squishy.

WTF Guy

I always enjoy when a ‘bag hunter manages to get in frame and share our “WTF?”

And yes, Pleather Jacket Turd has been featured a few times before. But I’ve never given him a fixed identity.

Then again, neither did his parents.

What? Too harsh? Okay, his chin fung is stupid.

Winning Hearts, Minds and Ass

Navy Officer V/R writes in from Hong Kong, where he’s douching it up for our amusement:

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This pic is straight out of Hong Kong during a Navy port visit. Miami Vice suits, stunner shades, and kissy faces. I think this qualifies. What do you say, DB1?

-V/R
—-

Not since my time spent drunk on rice wine at the Kowloon race track chasing rickshaws through shantytown have I been so confused as to how to respond.

I applaud you for pulling delightful wonton dumpling hotts, yet am fearful that your irono-baggery is spreading actual ‘baggery as part of the global infection of American Douche Virus.

Instead I will simply tip my cup of the ‘train, and scream Aiya!! Gwailo!