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Thursday, October 16, 2008
Caption This PIc
When the ladies said they liked “tri-tip steaks,” the Douche Clowns of Alpha-Zeta-Jones thought up a hilarious play on words.
The Guessbag
There’s something not right with this dude.
I don’t have enough to call “douche,” other than maybe the goofy shirt. But look at that sneer. I’m convinced there’s hidden nodal scrotundae at work beneath the veneer of benign quasi-douchewankery.
And it’s not just because I want to softly paddle the lovely quartasian’s pokey cleavite with a powder puff, a semi-melted marshmallow and sixteen jelly bellies dipped in wasabe.
Thursday, October 16, 2008Crawdaddy
To achieve the perfect pinnacle of faux is not an easy task, thought Crawdaddy to himself.
And so he pouted.
Not even a classy Smirnoff Ice, giving the middle finger to the camera, nor the rubbings of Kimmy, Kelly and Kathy, could cheer him up. For his Faux was not yet perfect.
But someday it would be. By Ganesh, he swore it. And so it would be done.
Thursday, October 16, 2008The Douchafella Skank
When not studying for his Masters Exams at NYU’s Stern School of Business, Scroteboy Slim likes to relax by the pool.
And become aroused.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008Pud Soup
Hotts and ‘Bags, Hotts and ‘Bags, Hotts and ‘Bags, add a dash of paprika and it’s Pud Soup.
With three Ubiquitous Red Cups keeping watch.
I’ll give guy on the far right a nottadouche pass. The rest of you bozos, not so much.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008Ask DB1: Residual Axe
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Dear DB1,
I’m concerned and turn to you for sage advice and wisdom.
Earlier today I was in the gym locker room. The guy standing next to me had changed into his clothes and was preparing to go. From what I could tell he didn’t show any outward signs of bagness but I didn’t look at him too closely either.
What concerns me is this, he reached into his gym bag, took out a small can of Axe Body Spray and proceeded to give himself a couple of sprays.
He was doing this fully clothed and was spraying the outside of his sweater and jeans. This all happened less than 2 feet from me an I could easily smell the stench. Am I in danger of Greico Viral Infection due to my proximity of the Axe? And if so, how can overcome this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You,
Douchy Scroatdust and the Baggers from Choad
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You must immediately head to a treatment center to get hosed down like an anthrax investigating CDC member, D.S.
Trust me. It’s the only way to get clean.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008Where's Waldouche? South Beach Edition
Somewhere in this triptych of three Dade County Floridian slutty scary bouncy boobie kettle hotts, I’ve carefully hidden a turdsquat waldouche.
Look closely.
Can you flush him?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008HCwDB of the Week: Samurai Scrote
The growing zen-douche legend that is Samurai Scrote (hai!) was simply too powerful to be overcome. scroteus maximus explains:
I think this weekly contest represents the eternal struggle between the tangible and intangible forms of douchebaggery.
On one side we have the flame twins, who are both shoving their preposterous and preposterously gay haircuts in my face. On the other side we have the samurai, whose douche-chi comes from within, equally strong as the douche-chi of the flame twins, despite lacking the douche accoutrements so evidently present around the Flame twins.
However it comes down to this: the Flame twins are simply huge douchebags. Samuri Scrote is better than you, and knows he is better than you, and he knows that you know hes better than you. And it is that attitude that personifies true douchebaggery.
Samuri Scrote FTW
Well said S.M, but let us not forget that sexy sequined hott on his arm. Others agreed, as it was a mandana blowout:
the lone scroat: Samurai Scrote. His hott is the least Bleeh and WTF anyway? Groinkick.
blasphemers and spikedhairetics: Samurai Scrote FTW! The others here are obvious douchebags, but SS operates more covertly with that Rambo/Braddock: Missing in Action tie headband. He will hide in the mud and reach out and kill you while you’re not looking. His hottie is all kinds of cute too!
don’t bring me dowwwwwwn, douche!: Samurai Scrote, no doubt.
Most ‘bags on this site seem to be douchey conformists in their bar, beach, or boat settings. Not this guy. Despite the formal affair, his mandanna and sunglasses at night dare you to contain his scroteyness.
Ponderonymous: Give it to Sammy. He’ll just take it anyway.
johnny: i really want to vote against Samurai Scrote, but it is impossible. The head band, the hott, the Nick Cage face, the fact that he is in the champagne room…it’s a thing of beauty. This picture is the perfect storm of scrotuity.
But the ever-present anonymous challenges us to ask what are we really voting for?
This is, perhaps, HCwDB’s first fully self-conscious vote.
The community, led by the avatar-ed regulars, are as much voting for the photo spectacle itself as for their self-referential, ambitious, and pretty hilarious response to said image. They’re voting for the surrealist, “exquisite corpse” game they’ve been playing with the double-blind of internet anonymity; the dadaist exercise that’s several thousand strong and growing.
It’s a Foucaultian paradigm, EPA, in that meaning is created at the point of consumption, not within the object itself. Thus, Samurai is the most poo of all poo, simply due to the echo of his simulacrum.
Coming in third, but with solid support, KeirNotKier explains why the Grout should not be forgotten:
I have to go with The Sun Grout. He may not be as orange or entirely stomach turning as previous winners, but this week he is the King Kong of Douchebags. I mean the guy has chin pubes, guyliner, spiky dyed hair (for crissakes, the guy’s hair is silver/white). Lest we not forget form his Sun God photo. He has tattoos of pretty little stars up his left arm. Lots of stars?
I agree, the Grout is toxic. On many a week, he and the porn-hott would’ve won. But this is Samurai Scrote’s day, and none shall be superior. Ol’Bag takes it home:
Samurai Scrote, ftw….I mean, he’s trying to use Nicolas Cage’s only facial Expression, and his hott is freaking unbelievable. He REALLY wants to be Nicolas Cage, even though he is sunken-chested
Mandana/suit? Wha?
“Wha?” indeed, Ol’B.
Congrats to Samurai and Bedazzler Hott, and we’ll see them in the Monthly.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008Scroteboy Slim Is Not Going Away
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By the way since I saw what you wrote about me its only fair that I tell you what I wrote to my 3000+ friends on my space about you!!! And by the way I fell that your vocabulary is a bit contrived don’t you think? A person with areal education does not have to try so hard to convey they are intelligent (If you doubt my credentials i went to Cornell and I am at NYU Stern Business school).
Enjoy:
Yes and it took long enough. After years my dream came true.
I want to take this minute to to toast the founder of the site, because if he has the time to go through club pics and maintain his page, it is obvious he will NEVER f@#k a girl like the one next to me 🙂
Keep hating haters you just make me more and more popular I love it, because I am not going away.
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Is a person with “areal” education something to do with areolas?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008Douchebags of the Living Dead
HCwDB’s own Baron von Goolo brings the genius.
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DB1 –
I said I’d do it and I’ll be dang-darned if I din’do it.
My modest Halloween venture, FrightTown, opened on the 4th and Baron Von Goolo’s Museum of Horrors has been featuring The Douchebags of the Living Dead. Even though local TV stations have made us call it the Spring Break of The Living Dead in our commercials, I think the message of antibaggery and social mockery still comes through.
I’ve included a photo of last night’s Zom’bags and the New Jersey Devil that accompanied them. We have attempted to reproduce as many of your trademark identifiers as possible – all the way down to the Zom’bags popping patrons’collars for them and then spritzing them with AXE (which doesn’t piss nearly as many people off as I’d have predicted).
Every night’s Zom’bags are different but the 70’s porn star cum Mark Spitz mullet Zom’bag was so impressive (and by ‘impressive’ I mean ‘bile-churning’) that I definitely wanted to share this crop. And sadly, even though her boa is obscuring them, the New Jersey Devil was a cleavite on a brobdingnagian scale. Rest assured that the photographer was boxed soundly about the ears for letting that slip by.
Any baghunters in the Portland area should give us a gander, and share the love at frighttown.com.
Three weeks to go. Then my coma. Then I’ll be back to baghunting in our own little cul-de-sac of spite with the rest of the pack. I miss you all. You most of all, Scarecrow.
– Baron von Goolo
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Excellent work, BvG. I’m humbled and in awe.
Last year’s crop of Hottie/Douche Halloween costumes were so amazing that I’m offering a free autographed copy of my book to the best HCwDB costume. Just send me a pic of your costume, and we’ll see who can out-bra the broheims for the win.
(pro members of von Goolo’s troupe excluded from this offer)
