Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Bob's Country Bunker

Waste Management Sanitation Artisan by day, rockstar dungeon fetishist by night, Bob lured the ladies to his Bunker with promises to see his horses.

And, of course, his sexy tri-pattern facial config.

HCwDB of the Month

Here it is. The last HCwDB of the Month before the 2008 Douchie Awards in mid-December. Who will earn the final slot to compete in that most coveted of all Douchie Awards; The 2008 HCwDB of the Year?

That, as always, is up to you.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brian Earlicker and Lila’s Alzadoes

Yes, there is the “porny” vibe in this pic, and porn-types are usually disqualified for living a life of auto-douchery and constant “exposure” in every sense of the word.

But there’s something authentic here.

Authentically skeeze. A genuine moment of all that is wrong when douche mugs hott.

And blocking the football game with a nasty-ass tongue lick makes Brian Earlicker a contender.

Lila has wonderful Alzadoes. Yes they are fake. But they are also healthy and sing harmonic Disney songs with little bluebirds on their cleavite.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Chumlee

Chumlee brings that annoying greasy “model” type of ‘tude.

Plus the ferret facial fung, scoring a +3 on the alliteration scale.

And lets not forget the sexy, if zaftig, Beatrice, who brings large succulent baby feeders into play. Like Lila, the fake mamms are convincing enough to confuse a hungry toddler.

But it is Chumlee’s subversive douche that is truly rank. The D-neck t-shirt, the gray shock of hair, and the hand pose just ramp up the scale even further.

Finally, we must remember the guiding principle of this site. The proper hottie/douchey pic has a spectrality of douche. The desire to punch through your screen and slap the unholy combo occurring before you.

Tell me you don’t have that urge here.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Last Dragon

There is so much wrong in this pic, it’s hard to even comprehend the 1980s matte-effects work that render the glow into nostalgic filmic douche of yesteryear.

First, lets stat with Douche Leroy.

The Sisqo white hairdo.

The bloody t-shirt.

The neck scar.

The leather wristdanna.

Then there’s Greta. The stern, emotionally dysfunctional hott whose traumatic period in Catholic School has made her so angry. Yet so naughty. Yet so perky.

Combine them, and the smell wafts of poo.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Samurai Scrote

The legend. The myth. The icon.

Samurai Scrote has acquired quite the cult following, with disciples running in the tens of ones.

Samurai Scrote’s legendary thread announces the power of douchery to transcend mere physical hand gesture or facial expression.

Samurai Scrote controls his douchery with the power of the mind.

Samurai Scrote understands that sequined Laura has a sexy girl next door thing that makes you want to bite into a seal at SeaWorld until it “arfs” in minor annoyance.

Samurai Scrote forgives you this desire.

For she is a slender island of salad dressing. An iceberg wedge of blue cheese joy.

But is having a cult following enough to win a Monthly? Or will one of the other toxic combos rise up and triumph in a sea of douchal poobaggery?

That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Reader Mail: DBs in Dubai

Libby and Rayna write in with a ‘bag tag from Dubai:

—-
Dear Hot Chicks With Douchebags,

Best,
Libby and Rayna
—-

You know we’re kicking global ass when Persian Hotts in Dubai are mocking the Oilbags. Good work, ladies. I would Aladdin your lamps and then Persian your rugs.

Sunday Caption This Pic

Dieter says, “American booty!! Sie ist sehr gut!”

Saturday D&G

There is one douchal signifier that is most impressive about Brothabag Lonnie’s skeeze in the presence of two late 20s temp-worker hotts, and it’s not the douche-face.

Notice that hat tilt has migrated to belt buckle.

Fung Friday

It’s Fung Friday!!

And you know what that means. Actually, I hope you know what that means, because I sure don’t.

Fung, like DJ Bello, needs no hot chicks to form a douche singularity. As such, I will make an exception to the rules of my site, and post his hilarious, burnt umber ass.

Other random links as I clear out the pixel attic and chug a PBR on this post-Halloween, post-election Friday:

In Buffalo, New York, douchebags apparently refer to themselves as “Cricket.”

Animated Gator

More Fun With French, from our ‘bag hunter in Paris.

Brothabag Leon pities the fool.

I know times are tight, but Walmart is stocking actual douche. Yes, that’s a real photo from their website. That’s what happens when you pay minimum wage to teenage web-site admins.

Peyton List wants to spank my bare bottom with some fishing twine and a partially damp shamwow.

Speaking of the shamwow, that spokesguy is a huge douche. You followin’ me, camera guy?

Uhm, I’ll take the chicken basket (from FailBlog)

Where's Dumbass?

PIC DELETED

Somewhere, buried within this lineup of soft curvy hottie boobie suckle thigh, I’ve carefully hidden a heaping serving of fratdouche dumbassery.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Donkey Douche Doesn't Even Need to Try, He Just Gets Quality Ass

—-
Thing is i don’t even need to try , i just get quality ass! Always will , always have!! I look better on a bad day than 99% of all the hate’n douchebag cock fags that write in to this site! All these tards wish they have gotten the tail i have in my life. I could die happy at 30 ….can’t say the same for all you losers. Grow some fk’n nuts and post a real pic of me and my girl on this site(not some bs photoshopped pic**real funny, now people have to send in fake pics =wow!=**). Show all the millions of losers out there what a real couple looks like! All the chubs with one hand on the computer and one on their tiny dicks masurbating to my gf , I salute you! Keep on wishing you had tail like that. ***and by the way i will stick up for fish slap and for socrates, i know both of them, and i will say they also are awesome people who handle their own and can get ass, all you don’t be jealous!***
DD

i also am including a real pic of me from that night, me and chris(my lips are not purple, i didnt age, my shirt is not leather, my hair aint grey ) (i love the hat’n, it makes me tick!)
—-

I enjoyed DD’s response on many levels, but most of all for the genius of “hat’n.” It bothers me that I didn’t think of that contraction first.

Friday Haiku

No more Hallow’s Eve,
Dumbass tilts douche-hat and pouts,
Sandra mugged, for reals.

Swedish & Meatball.
Normally a good combo,
But not in this case.

— boatbutter

Sanjeev tries to act
gangsta and fails, but Elke
doesn’t seem to care

— father guido sardouchey

Bottle-blondie Nell
Finds herself molested by
this Dudley Douche-Right.

— don’t wheeze the douche!

Maybe Habib is
Communicating with her
Using Norse Code

– crucial head

Halloween HCwDB Contest Winner: Paul N.

A tremendous response to the HCwDB Halloween contest, with costumes so hilariously hottie/douchey, I’m having a hard time telling them apart from the real thing.

It was nearly impossible to pick a winner, but pick I did. Congrats to Paul N and his brave girlfriend, who took tacky hottie/douchery to a whole new plane of existence.

That costume has it all. Orange Face. Bling. Ed Hardy. Grey Goose. Boobies.

Great work. I tip my cup of the ‘Train in your honor. You win the autographed copy of my book. Claim your prize, sir and madam.

Here’s the Top 10 Superb Hottie/Douchey Finalists (in random order):

1. KH and Asian Sailorette storm the beaches at Douchemandy.
2. Brett M Guidos it Up in style.
3. Carson Y Macks. And then muscles it up to some boobies.
4. Cathie B brings the Winehouse while her boyfriend busts ‘Bag.
5. Cory B’s costume is so good, I almost ran it as a real pic.
6. Crissy and her boyfriend bring tremendous hottie/douchey forces into play.
7. Seth M busts literal signage, multi-colors and two hotts. Good work, Seth.
8. The Anti-Douche and his Hott overwhelm with a perfect Halloween combo.
9. Tom L and his Smokin’ Hott are almost too realistic. Are you sure this is Halloween?
10. I’m not convinced Dante is really in costume. But the limo is genius.

10a. Cim’s costume finds the key to the DB1’s heart.

And here’s a sampling of some of the other notable submits:

Baggin M ‘bags it up.
Brian C gets down.
Dante and his Boyz formed a Halloween douche posse.
Donk Diggler goes to town.
Gaw says “Whassup?”
Erik K is orange.
FSDU’s Douche Costume is minimal but his hott is for real. Goddamn.
Frankie forgets the Hott but makes a helluva douche.
Les Douches are actually kind of scaring me.
Double X has the costume, but where are the kissy lips?
Paul A earns a kiss for his costumed douchosity.
Billy B has the perfect costume and sidekick, but no hotts, sadly.
The Minnesotans know how to mock the douche.
Michael M goes “Double Pop” with a Sailor Cutie in tow.
Steve Makes Kissy Lips with a Naughty Nun.
Jordan J’s Tatts look just a tad too real to be costumey douche.
Billy B Busts a Move
LL is a Douche Bandit with yet another Sailor Hott.
GT and Alice make a surreal hott/douche coupling.
EDIT: Screw the Batbag, lets keep this lineup pure. Here’s Mike and Randy, who just sent me one last pic to make the cut.

Massive props to everyone who sent in a pic. The creativity and effort were positively antidouchian. If you didn’t see your pic here, don’t be upset, I’m just hungover, ran out of space and attention span this morning, and desperately need a coffee.

Wow. This post took two+ hours, but it was worth it.

Take your time and enjoy the creativity and the boobies.