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Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Fish Slap
Last year it was the legendary leathery Britdouche, The Gator who was our first recipient of the Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award for contributions to the douchal arts in pursuit of the hott.
This year we (dis)honor none other than the legend that is Fish Slap.
For his lifetime contributions to the art of douchebaggery in the pursuit of the female, Fish Slap is more than deserving of this award. And like Clint Eastwood before him, The Slap doesn’t let old age slow down his prodigious scrotal output.
Even after losing a heartbreakingly close 2007 Douchie to Joey Porsche in the finals, witness Fish Slap’s resurgence in 2008 here, here, here, here, here and here.
With new tatts, girls and eyebrow shaves intermittantly appearing and disappearing, we should expect The Slap to continue to choadify the ladies for many years to come.
Congratulations to Fish Slap and the varied hotts who have crossed his fishy path. Our second recipient of the legendary Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008HCwDB of the Year
It is on. Here are your finalists for The HCwDB of the Year Douchie Award for 2008:
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly
Gangsta Droopage and Toned Surf Hott for the win in the semis and the first slot in our Final.
Taking down vaunted Fratbag Tighty Armani as well as poseur jerkoff Acey Douchey, the sag of the Droopster and the perfection of Surfer Kelly’s toned abs were too powerful a dialectic to ignore. Doctor Douchelittle explains:
Droopy/Surfer Kelly FTW.
This bracket is practically a bye for the mammoth car smash that is the Droopster. The most extreme contrast between douche and hott ever seen.
I’d spend several hours discussing the relative merits of Tupac and Vanilla Ice with Droopy just to smell the residue of SK’s aroma on his shoulder.
Well said, Doc D. With one single pic, these two could take the prize.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott
Taking down the mighty Pepsi drinking Bra!! and freakish spectacle of Mooby Dick, the power of wrongness between The Hooligan and Carly was simply too strong. Jed the Avenger explains:
Hooligan for the bracket. I will seriously doubt the douche-recognition skills of everyone if MH isn’t in the top 3 of the year. He makes me want to drop kick kittens.
And, at it’s core on this site, finding that place of rage will lead us to enlightenment, Jed. Mike agrees:
The Metaphysical Hooligan is just too much, and paired up with Carly it is the most serious affront to human dignity.
Indeed. Our second power-couple of Hottie/Douchey wrongness earns its well deserved spot in the Finals. And let us not forget their “body” of work, here and here.
For those who doubt the merits of Carly Hott, those pics should satisfy the requirement.
HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott
Our most “real world” of the finalists, Deathtongue stands in for every slimy choad you knew in college who was pulling hottness way outside of his league simply by being a, well, a huge douche. And don’t forget Pic 2.
I’ve adjusted the contrast slightly to bring up Quartasian Mia Sara Hott’s sparkling eyes and also Deathtongue’s ridiculous blowout hair. Skyler explains the power of this combo:
Deathtongue. You need a hott to balance out the HCWDB. He’s got the hott. He’s got the douche. He’s the real deal.
And Douchewater Blonde explains the reaction that Deathtongue inspires:
Deathtongue! His hott is so totally hott, and DT himself dares, DARES to infect her goodness with his salivary sandpaper. I wanna shake this guy by the tightly held neck until he finally gets it.
He may never get it, D. Blonde.
I don’t need to rehash the rest. This is the Finals. This is it.
You people are prepared. Prepped.
You’ve studied the candidates. Now make your choice. Which coupling most embodies all that this site stands for? Which coupling holds the greatest dichotomy between confused masculinity in the age of spectacle and innocent hott seduced by its wily, scrotey and poo-smelly wrongness?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008Best Golden Globes: The Hourglass from "The Beachbag and the Hourglass"
With eight Golden Globes to celebrate and bask in golden plump glow, the voting pretty much broke down into a four way pick ’em of equal opportunity celebration.
But the power of The Hourglass was too unbelievable to deny.
Four Points was a close second, and by close second, I mean large succulent flesh mounds of dancing marshmallow sunshine that I would slide down into a candy corn rainbow and nuzzle in their soft, soothing warmth, whilst I drifted off to sleep for a fortnight.
But the thighs/boob ratio of the overly tanned Hourglass transcends mere mortality and hints at ubermensch ascendancy. And if that’s not a well earned 2008 Douchie Award, then I don’t know what is.
And… boobies.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008Most Annoying 'Baglings: Mo' Cheeks
‘Baglings are not yet fully formed douchescrotes.
As such they are still caught in that almost but not quite fully infectious stage. And by full infectious, I mean these two putz-rackets. They have rickets of the face.
From April, Mo’ Cheeks don’t enrage, they simply need to get back to the Caddy Shack and pick up that wrapper.
(Dis)honorable mention to our other ‘Bagling finalists, including The Bagling Hunters, The Cheeks, The Chippendales wannabe from the May 30th Friday Haiku and the creepy euro Children of the Corn in The Guidics.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008Most Expensive First Date: Hamster Hott
The everpresent anonymous unleashes his past traumas in the comments thread:
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Hamster Hott. She’s what all these fellas have said, she’s hot, and she knows it. She drives a better car than you. But she has crappy expensive tastes, Yamashiro, Ketchup, etc. And you just got a new job so you figure, hell, might as well show this girl the real good shit, even if I have to pay for 22-dollar drinks. You take her to Osteria Mozza and you’ll need reconstructive ass surgery after that bill, but she’s impressed.
Now that you’ve impressed her, you think you can relax, so you take her ice skating to see the skyline downtown. $20 bucks max you figure. She’s surprised at how cool it was, especially since they didn’t have bottle service, like they do everywhere she goes. But the night is young and she sees a restaurant she’s never been to, because naturally it’s not in Hollywood. So you go in and the place looks expensive, your ass quivers. The bill comes, you cry inside, but you pay. And right before you leave, she decides she wants some water to go. Voss you say? Nah, not at this joint. They only carry “Finé”, that’s Japanese for, expensive ass water. It’s like she’s slapping you in the face for trying to go cheap on her.
But the piece de resistance: Lion King Tickets. You wanted to impress her, now you find that the prices are outrageous. You bite the bullet and go in, plus drinks, parking and all that other crap. Good thing she’s super hot you think, and she smells so nice, then the way she moans when you hold her from the back and push her against the wall. Then you kiss her neck from the back. I would die to hear those moans again.
Now, when you bang anything less than an 8.5, you are almost disgusted with yourself. You had that 9.5, but you couldn’t afford her, even with your new job. *yells our her name*
True story.
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The pain only a haunted image like that of Hamster Hott can invoke. Congrats on a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim's Permanent Collection in 2023: Still Life with Coors Light
Not since the late, great Diane Arbus’s Child with Toy Hand Grenade in Central Park, has a picture captured the echo of the performative rupture at work beneath the ritualized norms at the fringe of cultural decay.
With a dash of DIY punk by way of Arbus’s couples portraiture, Still Life with Coors Light speaks to negative space, disjuncture, gender identities, spectrality, haunting, loss and mediocre light beer. As such, it deserves our 2008 Douchie for Most Likely to be a Part of the Guggenheim’s Permanent Collection in 2023.
And since we live in the age where the author is dead and images function as pastiche open to reclamation and reinscription, I will be credited as the artist.
Since Still Life with Coors Light is art destined for greatness, I will not cover it with an official 2008 Douchie logo. Just as I wouldn’t puke blue on a Picasso.
Honorable mention to the other great works of art we’ve featured this year, including our runner up in this category, Sundays in the Park with Jorge.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008Orangest Orange: Millennium 'Bag
ufo destroyers sums it up in the comments thread:
This is one in which the HOS-er wins going away. Too bad he won’t go away. Millennium ‘Bag. End of story. The new Cylon has been born.
With so many deserving Orangemen in the contest, it was tough.
Night Oranger put up a valiant fight, almost pulling off the shocking upset. But M.B. was too crimson, and his Antwerp Innocent Cutie too confused, not to pull out the victory and win the 2008 Douchie for Orangest Orange.
Monday, December 15, 2008Celebrity HCwDB of the Year
Voting is now open for the 2008 Douchie Award for Celebrity HCwDB of the Year:
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Marissa Miller and Ass Pimple
The fact that sports illustrated swimsuit model and all-around teeth melting cutie Marissa Miller has chosen not just to cohabitate, but to marry a human ass pimple, has been a plague on our culture all year.
Witness the progression, here, here, here, here and here.
The fact that rectus-hair here actually tattooed Marissa Miller’s face on his arm makes him even more the douchey hangers-on type that Hollywood has crawling all over it.
I want to spray Raid in his face.
Then lick her upper thigh area like a hyper-stimulated orangutan in an illegal experiment involving radiation that Matthrew Broderick is desperately trying to stop.
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: Spencer and Heidi from MTV’s “The Hills”
I haven’t featured a lot of pics of these two on the site because calling them a classic ‘Bag/’Baguette hottie/douchey coupling would be like observing that ebola is a virus.
Spencer has that classically generic, ethereal ‘bagdom.
Not really sporting annoying tatts, no bling nor outrageous hair (although definite douche-scruff), Spencer’s poo comes from within like a shining E.T. heartlight.
Where’s Neil Diamond to sing when you need him?
Heidi’s got fake boobs and fake everything, but I’d still crawl through a pile of angry fire ants just for the chance to shake the finger of the plastic hand that broke off her childhood Barbie.
Hmm. That fantasy is kinda creepy.
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Criss “Poo Face” Angel and Assorted Hotts
Not since the great amateur magician Dr. Hooker fooled Houdini with his “Rising Cards” has a magician bedazzled a viewing audience with his ability to do the impossible.
And by impossible, I mean date anyone other than a lobotized farm animal.
This means you, Criss “Poo Face” Angel.
Witness the magical run of squatitude that began in January and continued here, here, here, here, here and here.
I’m not sure when prestidigitation got this pooey. Just saw the lady in half and link the rings, Crissy.
No need to turn yourself into a homeless half-crazed glue sniffing crack addict with rickets.
Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Finalist #4: The Portman and the Yeti
Because anyone who wears ironic “Cats” t-shirts in foreign languages needs to be gang-raped by a prison gang from Catmandu.
Natalie’s Semitic pixie hottness has long revved my motor like a clean burning Mr. Fusion installed by Doc Brown.
Portman smells like lilacs and we’d lie in bed playing with a feather duster and lightly discuss the genius of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who while sleeping in on a Sunday.
Since broken up, the Portman and the Yeti still haunt my subconscious like a Lacan mirror stage schism between self and Otherness.
Beginning in April and continuing all summer here and here, even the subsequent breakup does not console me.
For Portman must don librarian glasses and yell at me for returning my books late. And I’d pay the fine.
So them’s your four. (Dis)honorable mention to Elisha Cuthbert and the newly unemployed Sean Avery, and also to Mayerbag and Aniston, whom I left off because while Mayerbag is my arch enemy, Aniston just isn’t that hot these days. Hate to say it, but you know I’m right.
Which coupling deserves to win the 2008 Douchie?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Monday, December 15, 2008Sexiest Librarian Glasses: Pink Popp
In a controversial decision sure to resonate at the Douchies, Pink Popp edges out I Say, Old Chap to take the 2008 Douchie for Sexiest Librarian Glasses. From October the sexy cuddle was just too infuriating for the judges to ignore.
Although neither compare to 2007’s Douchie Winner in this category, Scrotey Opie’s Hott. Yegowza. She is divine.
Honorable mention to Ping Pong Kong and the obviously and less than originally titled Mmmm… Librarian Glasses.
Monday, December 15, 2008Most Deflated Chest: The Punctured Balloon
It’s the type of deflated balloon animal you’d see a five year old crying over at Chuck-e-Cheese.
From May, The Puctured Balloon takes the 2008 Douchie for Most Deflated Chest with ease.
Natasha has sharp, angular features, and a toned body that inspires sloths to do push-ups in the Madagascar jungle.
