Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 3

Here’s your third and final Bracket in the semifinals round of the coveted HCwDB of the Year 2008 Douchie Award:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket 3): Deathtongue

From back in March, the sheer tongue-licking power of the greased up Deathtongue combined with the ubermeltinghott perfection of his Quartasian was a perfect vortex of everything this site was set up to explore.

Deathtongue’s lick is so enraging, so infuriating, and Mia Sara Hott is so ridiculously hott, they defeated both He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks AND Millennium ‘Bag.

Impressive. Most impressive. But they are not HCwDB of the Year yet.

Deathtongue was helped by a second pic which not only increased his scrotal taint, but increased Mia Sara Hott’s lithe honeysuckle rose eye-melt hottedness.

She is joy. Pure, bottled joy. He is your typical suburban choad multiplied by twelve thousand. Nice blowout hair, Licky.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket 3): Samurai Scrote

Samurai Scrote, he of the Zen Stare, Reservoir Dogs suit, extremely tasty arm candy Carolyn, and comments thread approaching 8,000 posts, is an HCwDB icon.

For in many ways Samurai Scrote is a template by which we project our own hopes, dreams and fears.

As Lev Kuleshov demonstrated during early Soviet Montage experiments, Samurai Scrote can intercut with any number of images to create meaning. As such, he is legend.

And Sparkly Carolyn is popsicle tasty. And I’m not talking that cheap grape popsicle they made us eat in After-School. I’m talking premium popsicles.

Dole.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket 3) Gabehcuod

The first Monthly winner of 2008, Gabehcuod appeared in January and won the Monthly in February.

Named for the shrub-maze hair shave first seen when little Danny runs through it in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, Gabehcuod is the “Redrum” of douchebaggery.

And Maid Marion wins points for a bodice-straining top and a firm yet healthy bod. She is stern PTA attending young-mom hottness.

Factor in Gabehcuod’s awkward belly grab move, and subtle yet punch-worthy douche-face, and the urge to slap a ferret is high.

But enough to win the Bracket by taking down Samurai Scrote and Deathtongue? That remains to be seen.

Which of these three couplings offer the rank/hott dialectic enough to make it to the HCwDB of the Year Finals?

That, fellow hott lovers and ‘bag mockers, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchiest Tattoo + Facial Hair Combo: Dog

The man could squash my head in a vice like an amped up Joe Pesci in Casino, but there can be no denying that Dog deserves a Douchie Award.

After his first appearance in May caused a stir, jiu-jitsu Middle Weight Champion Timothy Lopez wrote in with a hilarious Dog Tag story from the streets of Vegas. Good times.

And I think we all know how Dog’s going to celebrate his Douchie Award.

However the fact Dog could snap my femur bone like a toothpick suggest we should grant him his Douchie, and quickly move on.

Douchiest Collective Scrotocalypse: God's Sneeze

Ahhhh… choo.

From back in May, Ubiquitous Red Cups and Boobies mix in with uber-choads and Fratwanks to make the foulest cocktail of the year.

Bonus points if you can find The Boz.

Douchiest Human Suppository: X-Lax

For being an average frat-tool that inspires bowl movements, July’s X-Lax earns a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award in the “Human Suppository” category.

X-Lax had a nice run of pics, including fratwankery with his best bro here and a Where’s X-Lax? Last Supper homage.

And the Persian Chickas should know better.

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: Fung

The solo artist that is Fung was a natural for the Greatest Crisis of Modernity 2008 Douchie Award.

There could be no other.

A 2007 Douchie winner as part of the legendary duo, the Oompa Prompas, Fung struck out on his solo career in 2008, winning a controversial HCwDB of the Week (generously credited with an “HC”) in September.

And like Paul Simon after leaving Simon & Garfunkel, Fung is now a Douchie winning solo scrotist.

Witness the run, here, here, here and (warning: eye melting pain) here.

Because gold plated iPhones do not lie.

Fung is a singularity, in that since his prom, he’s shown little interest in females. But this does not make Fung gay, either. Fung is Fung. Fung is an island onto Fung’s self. Fung is beyond category. Fung is uber-Fung.

As such, he is now rewarded with a 2008 Douchie. Now shave that Fung, Fung.

Douchie: Orangest Orange

Here are your nominees for the 2008 Douchie Award for “Orangest Orange” (non-Fung division):

Orangest Orange Finalist #1: Artificial Douchetelligence

From July comes the alien robot sent from the future to turn us all orange.

A.D. was a Weekly winner whose shot at immortality was hampered by less than quality hotts to balance the equation from his crimson ridiculousness.

Still.

Note the paint-splatter jeans. The hybrid white/stud belt. The classic “ab reveal” move. The “blue steel” expression. Kimmy and Kimberly are up past their bedtimes, clubbing it up in Manhattan because their “stepmother is a bitch.”

But this is the Orange Douchie category. And for that, plus a creepy alien belly button, A.D. is a formidable entry.

Orangest Orange Finalist #2: Millennium ‘Bag

Our second robotbag in the competition, Millennium ‘Bag made his impact way in early February, and we’re still recovering from the shaved patterns and shellacked hair fwip.

And poor Ute, whose small high school in Antwerp never prepared her for the club going Ed Hardy wearing Crimson Robot type.

Millennium ‘Bag is douche for a new Millennium. As such, he is not to be trifled with.

His Orange Face harkons back to all sorts of offensive pasts, and his neck scar implies a recent tune-up.

But enough to take the coveted Douchie? That remains to be seen.

Orangest Orange Finalist #3: Night Oranger

Orangehead!! What’s your price to tan?

Also from February, Night Orange brings creepy, lip-herped, vaguely cave-manish Fratdouchery to the Orange finals.

Also threee confused, perky coeds.

Plus an American Express card taped to his book case in the back. Don’t leave home without it.

Night Oranger is the stealth Orange, the type you might actually run into on the street. At which point you’d likely proclaim, “Ahoihoi! That man is orange!”

Yes. Yes he is.

Orangable mention to those who just missed the cut, including Oompa Waspa, Freshman Girls, Orange Crush and HCwDB in the Middle Ages.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: DNA Dan

I don’t even fully know what this category of Douchie means, but if anyone should win it, it’s May’s DNA Dan. And lets not forget DNA Dan’s second appearance, in which he has a thought, here.

And also let us appreciate the hottness of the Librarian Hott.

Hmm. Maybe I should do a 2008 Douchie for Hottest Librarian Glasses. Any suggestions?

Best Golden Globes

Voting is now open for the 2008 Douchie Award for the Best Golden Globes of 2008. Your nominees are:

Best Golden Globes Nominee #1: Jasmina from “The Four Horsemen of the Douchepocalypse“

From September, the Four Horsemen circling Jasmina represented instant Hottie/Douchey poetry.

She is all that is sweet and wholesome.

She is all that is blooming and fertile and firm and boobalicious.

She makes my happy pants do the Nepalese river dance.

And the Horsemen are four slices of choad six ways to Sunday.

Best Golden Globes Nominee #2: The Hourglass from “The Beachbag and the Hourglass”

A weekly winner in August, the Hourglass’s insane curviture carried a standard issue Greasebag to victory.

Is the Hourglass enhanced or all natural? Does it matter?

For her Golden Globes are greasy, shiny, ovetanned ripe apples of succulent melonic perfection. They dance and shimmy like hula dancers in a “Five Dollar Foot Long” Subway commercial.

They vibrate and gellatenate.

They are nice.

Best Golden Globes Nominee #3: The Smearkat

A weekly winner in late May, The Smearkat brings the potency of an ass-kick-worthy uberdouche into play.

She is delightful European Scandanavian confusion, and he is a greasy choad of greasy turditude.

But this is the Best Golden Globes category of Douchie, so we must consider the worthiness of her bosomic bosoms.

They are nice.

Yes.

Yes they are.

They are very nice.

I have nothing more to add except that her Globes are very nice.

Nice.

Best Golden Globes Nominee #4: Four Points

Unable to reduce this category to three, I’m including a fourth candidate for voting, the legendary Four Points.

Not only featuring that covertly erotic “Best Friend of your Sister” hottness, Four Points also featured one of the best emails from a choad in one of the pics, which you can read here.

In addition to being a good sport about being on the site, The Pointer confirms that Points #3 and #4 are, indeed, all natural.

For those who factor in natural impressiveness, this may be a factor in your voting.

So them’s the four (eight). Which pair of Golden Globes is most deserving of the 2008 Douchie? That is up to you.

Vote in the comments thread, and voting continues in the earlier categories as well.

Most Deserving of a Trashcan to the Head: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks

Like Tom Hanks and The New York Yankees before him, Facebook legend and HCwDB poet laureate HJBB&D pulls off the back-to-back Douchies.

Let us celebrate with more HJBB&D pearls of wisdom:

—-
I wasn’t born to work.

Interests: I’m not here to make friends..I’m here to f@#k bitches and get money.
—–

Well earned Trashcan to the Head, HJJB&D.

Well earned.

Douchiest Facebook Entry: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks

The Dylan Thomas of our generation.

The Petrarchian Poet of Facebook.

HCwDB legend, the primal, primitive outsider-art poet, He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks, must not be overlooked for his contributions to Western verse and linguistic play.

To wit:

—-
Bad kissers turn me off.

Pretty much I’m the f@#king man and if you hear other wise it’s cuz they jealous I’m doin my thang while they suckin that d@#k of envy.
—-

Words of wisdom from a man who knows how to ski.

An HCwDB of the Week winner in March, HJBB&D lost to the power of Deathtongue in the Monthly. But that does not detract from his poetic genius.

Read HJBB&D’s artistic development here, here, here, here, here and here.

Already a member of the hallowed Hall of Scrote, He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks continues to dazzle with the inspired genius that cannot be taught in any school or learned through practice.

It is the art of inspiration. The inspiration of poo.

As such, HJBB&D earns a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award.