Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Sweetest Smile: Sue-Ellen from "Sue-Ellen's Shiny Tool"

From only a few weeks ago, the pearly white meritoriousness of Sue-Ellen takes the coveted 2008 Douchie for Sweetest Smile.

Honorable Mention: The other Sue-Ellen, the sweet princess getting mugged by gangsta Timmy in September’s ‘Bag / Not a ‘Bag.

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2

Here are your nominees in the second semifinals bracket for the 2008 Douchie Award for HCwDB of the Year:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket 2): The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott

First appearing on the site back in June, the combination of faux-“rebel” stench on the Hooligan and boobie hottie suckle thigh worthiness of Carly Hott made for an immediate power couple of poo.

The sneer. The shaved patterns. It was a dominant win in their Monthly, and as such, they make a potent combo in the Yearly.

MH and CH so traumatized your humble narrator that I willfully forgot them, giving them new names in their second and third apperances on the site, here and here.

With their second and third pics, The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott began to take on Porsche and DonkeyDouche-like couples legacy.

Is that vile nip-ring, facial fung and punch-worthy sneer while embracing a sweet skull bikini’d Laura San Giacomo Hott enough to win the Yearly? We shall see.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket 2): Bra!!

Bra!! Broheim!!

Another tasty Pepsi, bro!!

Bra!! is a conundrum. For many ‘bag hunters, Bra!! has crossed over from a clearly mockable frat-douche to a guy who is just so happy, so exuberant, so joyful, that you just want to buy him a Mr. Pibb, rub his hair for good luck, and say, “You go with your bad self, Bra!!”

What happens when a doucherstar crosses over into a form of quasi-likability, or at least non-threatening bemusement? Can he still be mocked?

Witness Bra!!’s progression from tasty cola beverages to the Supreme Court. He first won the Monthly in May, and follow the Bro-gression as he made recurrent appearances on the site, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

From pooslide to Spring Break, all the way to a Cruise Ship that shares his bicep star-tatt and the doors of The Supreme Court, what to make of Bra!!?

And lets not forget his early Quartasian girlfriend. She is pixie-hott. But are they enough to take the yearly?

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket 2): Mooby Dick

Like Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly before them, Mooby Dick and Ambiguous European College Hott have only one singular pic of trauma to appear on the site, but what a pic it was.

Winning a Monthly in early September, we are still recovering from its poo-osity.

Moobs.

Man Boobs.

Orphans in Trinidad are crying themselves to sleep because of the cross-global psychospiritual trauma engendered by all those who have gazed, or will ever gaze, at the Moobs.

Moobs.

Seriously. Moobs.

So them’s your three. Only one may rise to the Finals for HCwDB of the Year.

Will it be the Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott? Or Bra!! and his tasty cola beverages and sorority girls? Or Mooby Dick and Ambiguous Euro College Girl?

That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchiest MySpace Entry: Brothabag Leon

Because anyone who “tested positive for SEXY” gets a well deserved 2008 Douchie Award.

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Please pray for me. I had a check up today and I tested positive for SEXY. Im allergic to HATERS, My blood type is ROCKSTAR & the doctor said “THIS IS WHY IM HOT” IF U SCOPING MY PAGE, REQUEST ME, TOP FRIEND ME, AND ENJOY” NO GAY REQUESTS I LOVE STRICTLY WOMEN”
—-

Brothabag Leon’s long, distinguished career as a douche can be seen here, here and here.

Hottest "Girl Next Door" Hott

In the category of “Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott,” your nominees are:

Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott Finalist #1: Mindy from “The Yak”

The Yak first appeared on the site in late March, and Yaks’ vomitorious reaction to the luscious and perfectly tanned girl next door, Mindy, was enough to inspire rage in more than a few readers.

Her smile holds the hope of healthy, viable womb, and many future generations of children through procreation.

And her boobies make me want to yell “Yayyy!!” and run around with the kids on the short bus until the teacher gave us all a collective time-out.

Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott Finalist #2: Halo Angel

With a name inspired by my then new XBox360, the delightful Halo Angel, and her unshaven Frat-tool, first appeared on the site back in August.

With flawless skin, perfect teeth, and bright, doe eyes, Halo Angel has the face that inspires men to charge into battle and risk castration from the King’s henchmen, just for the chance to glimpse her discarded tissue papers in the mud outside Leighton Castle.

And smirky kissy-lips hippybag needs a serious ass kicking.

Hottest ‘Girl Next Door’ Hott Finalist #3: Stonebag’s Hott from “Stonebag”

From all the way back in February we debated whether Stonebag here actually qualified for “douche” status or not (consensus was no).

But what was undeniable was StoneHott’s quirky yet gorgeous “girl-next-door” vibrational vibrato. Being performed by the London Philharmonic. In my loins.

She has the slender elongated fingers of a piano player, and the body of melted marshmallow moonpie, fluffed to a perfect fluff.

I would punch an arthritic Nun in Calcutta just for the chance to sniff the moss covered stone steps her aunt once threw up on during her time in the Peace Corps in 1978.

So them’s your three.

Only one may take the 2008 Douchie for Hottest Girl Next Door Hott.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchiest New Accessory: The "Wristdanna"

While wristdannas popped up occasionally in 2007, it wasn’t until 2008 that they became a go-to douchal accessory.

We see an example of the Wristdanna in action during a classic Doggie ‘Bag move in July’s Doggie ‘Baggin’ on the Island.

(Dis)honorable mention to the late 2008 trend of Scarfbaggery, which came in a close second but wasn’t able to overtake the wristdanna in time.

Smells Like Poo: O-Prune

The 2008 Douchie Award in the “Smells Like Poo” category goes to August’s pooey entry of poo smell, O-Prune.

This was a tough category, as so many of the entries of the past year had that turdy stench wafting through our subconscious. But O-Prune’s smug smirk, greased chest, and innocent if confused hotts on either side, was too much to ignore.

(Dis)honorable mention to other poo finalists Turd Flush, The Exxon Valdouche, The Small Package and last week’s Lynrd Skynrd, the Dyshe Yrs, all of whose pooey stench remains waft.

Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver

Here are your Douchie Award nominees for “Most Innovative New Douche Maneuver” of 2008:

Douche Maneuver Finalist #1: The Side-Tilt Belt Buckle

The Side-Tilt Belt Buckle is a subtle douchal innovation, but do not let that fool you. It is hilariously ‘bagiforous, and as such, well deserving of a 2008 Douchie nomination.

At first you don’t notice it. You have to glance down, beyond this putz’s lick, bling and stupid-ass t-shirt, to locate the belt-tilt. And there it is. Poo.

First noted in November’s Saturday D&G, the sideways belt tilt echoes the classic Ten Degree Hat Tilt and suggests a new and troubling development in scrotal hierarchy.

Note the hotts, oblivious to the ‘tard factor on Licky’s belt.

In no sane and just world should this be permissible.

As such, we mock.

Douche Maneuver Finalist #2: The “Talking on Cell Phone” Move

The idea that posing in mid cell-phone call would become a new “move” first hit the site in this pic of Sideburn Harry and his milfy hott from back in September.

Harry is clearly posing with phone, and as such, baby Jesus weeps.

But Sideburn Harry was not done, making additional appearances on the site here and here.

However, Harry’s larger oeuvre of scrotal taint is not what we vote for in this category of Douchie Award.

We vote for most innovative douche maneuver. And for that, his cell-phone move as poo in presence of boobie hottie is what we consider.

And she is the hottest mom I remember from parent-teacher night when I was eight.

Douche Maneuver Finalist #3: The Mouth-Shirt Ab Reveal

Ab revealing has been a staple of modern douchescrotery since douchebags first crawled from the primordial ooze and took their first dance steps.

But using one’s mouth to reveal abs wasn’t seen on this site until the appearance of Mencken last September, posing with two classic Jerz trashy-hotts.

To achieve this pose, Mencken had to first prep the shirt-to-mouth, and then armlock the ‘baguettes.

As such, it is double trouble. And by double trouble, I mean something that’s twice as nasty as something else.

So them’s your three. Which of these three innovative moves should earn the 2008 Douchie Award? That is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchiest Facial Hair: The Blowfish

I don’t really know what the Blowfish is. Or if it’s even human.

But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that the 2008 Douchie Award for Douchiest Facial Hair could not go to a more deserving candidate.

Not even Brothabag Leon.

Douchie: Best Ass Pear

Voting is now open for the 2008 Douchie for “Best Ass Pear.” Here are your finalists:

Best Ass Pear Finalist #1: Ass Not What Your Country Can Do For You

Two firm mounds of love rump roast, simmering in a delectable suntan lotion sauce.

Two delightful half-loafs of fleshburst.

Two Angels of Heavenly song.

Two melons of cantaloupe.

Two butt bongo butt fiestas.

I would tap out the rhythm to Rush’s Tom Sawyer on them using only spoons, clothes pins and my chin. Greased up with chicken fat.

And yet, Ass Not is being mugged by one of those t-shirt-tatt wearing Vegas Doucheflushes, making the Ass Pear fully eligible for a 2008 Douchie Award. Nice how that works.

Ass Pear Finalist #2: Ass Pear

Do not let the fact this category is named for the name of this pic influence your vote. Ass Pear must win the 2008 Douchie in the “Ass Pear” category on merit, not legacy.

With a Pumpy-Lite army cargo shorts wearing shaved chest musclebag, the dialectic is in full force.

The Ass Pear is ripe and fruity, and on sale at Albertson’s.

She is delectable.

He is douche-choad.

Together, they are a worthy #2 in this category.

Ass Pear Finalist #3: Melon Butt

From back on the day before Labor Day, Melon Butt and her gang of Frat-scrotes made an immediate impact on the site.

She, for the, well, the Melon Butt. They for the Fratdouchery of slap worthy slappiness.

Her large, firm, childbearing hips and her sweet smile, while getting gang tackled by the rejected dance crew from Justin Timberlake’s 2005 Phat tour, make this entire pic smell like rank uberpoo and feet.

But this is the “Ass Pear” category. And so we judge on Ass Pear quality in dialectic with douche-choad.

Which of the following three deserves the 2008 Douchie? Vote, as always, in the comments thread. And note that voting also remains open in the HCwDB of the Year Bracket 1 vote (scroll down).

The Ricky: Pippy

“The Ricky” is The Douchie Award for most anonymous Everybag, and this year it goes to none other than last April’s Pippy.

While it’s true that Pippy displays minimal adouchrement with his ‘tags, and has the d-neck t-shirt, his general aura is one of genericism. With a coat on, he could walk down the street and you wouldn’t scream “duuuche!” Pippy blends. His douche is internalized.

Also factored in is his delightful ambiguously British Bar Wench Hott, with good skin and an extremely suckable shoulder to place her high on the boobie hottie suckle thigh scale.

Thus, the spirit of Dancing Ricky carries on in Pippy’s thousand mile stare. As such, this coupling is deserving of taking the Douchie.

(Dis)honorable mention to the other finalists, The Midwestern ‘Bag, Herb the Office Boy and The Smirky Nub.