Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douchiest Fist of Power: Fist of Power

Because The Fist of Power cannot be denied a 2008 Douchie Award.

Douchiest Hair: Wheatstalks

The first official Douchie of 2008 for Douchiest Hair goes to none other than Wheatstalks. His earlier pic was a finalist in 2007, making him a two year nominee, and first year “winner.” And by winner, I mean ass-clown.

He was also tagged by a reader in August.

I’d say take a bow, Wheatstalks, but wouldn’t want you to impale the orchestra.

For pulling a delightfully curvy Mediterranean Hott, as well as a consistent body of work (hair), Wheatstalks deserves his moment in the (thinning) sun. Now someone find a weed-wacker.

(Dis)honorable mention to the other finalists in hairsplosion, The Strobe Light Drip, The Lawnmower Man, The Torch, The Flame Twins, Hawk and Eraserhead. And of course Fung, but Fung’s singularity is too big for this category.

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1

It is on. The 2008 Douchie Awards begin today.

The moment where you determine the outstanding hottie/douchey pics of the past year. Here’s your finalists for the first Bracket in the HCwDB of the Year Category:

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1 (Bracket #1): Tighty Armani

Way back in early April, the douchey metal chained tight t-shirt smirk-wearing T.A. wormed his way into our collective trauma by headlocking a Doe Blonde of Angelic Hottness.

In addition to the smirking douche-face, T.A. brought the “scissors” hand gesture, and a Toolshed best friend, Bob.

T.A.’s win was not a fluke.

He made numerous other appearances over the year confirming his choadery, as seen here, here, here, here, and here.

T.A. brings that clueless “Bra-esque” fratchoad quality, as well as a tasty blonde hott as counter-balance. His mug is punchworthy, and she is delectable.

A true hottie/douchey coupling worthy of the Finals.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2 (Bracket #1): Droopy McScrote and Surfer Kelly

Unlike T.A.’s body of work, Droopy McScrote has only has a singular body. Of sag. Only one pic on the site. But one is all you need to cause the “Collective Regurg.”

He is all that is creepy, awkward and stretch-marked as guys old enough to know better try to look “gangsta” to hang on to a distant, fading youth. It’s over, Droopy. Over.

With awkward tatts, rings, hand gestures, red underwear and all sorts of indecipherable bling, Droopy was an instant sensation when he first appeared on the site back in July to win a Monthly.

His taint has not subsided.

And what of Surfer Kelly? She of the perfect tanned munchable stomach, perfectly curved arms, delightfully strong legs, and wonderful smile?

She is all that is Healthy in Copenhagen. He is all that is Poo in Peoria.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3 (Bracket #1): Acey Douchey

A fraud?

A fake?

Perhaps.

A douche? Certainly.

The Monthly winner in October, Acey Douchey has engendered significant debate about the potential for fakedouchery to remain legitimate as douchewankery.

Can someone who has gone to this much trouble to look like a choad while mugging two chiquita hotts still qualify as legitimately ass-kick-worthy?

The debate will rage on, but Acey Douchey has made it this far.

And now he’s up for HCwDB of the Year.

Will he win? Is the money + Belvedere + Kissy Lips + Single Glove + Gun(!) be enough to take the whole enchilada? Is sexy/sweet White Bikini Senorita getting paid by the hour to pose with this tool, or is she on a flat rate? We shall see.

So them’s your first bracket. Two more brackets to come to determine the final three. Remember to consider both extreme hottery and rancid douchery in each pic in dialectic, in conversation, before rendering your judgment.

Which of these three deserves to win Bracket 1 and make it as a Finalist in next week’s final HCwDB of the Year vote? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread. And let the Douchies begin.

The Ills

Pointing. At. His. Modified Shocker.

Looks like celebu-couple “Heidi” and “Spencer” (if that is your real names) are making a late push to take the 2008 Douchie for Celebrity Couple.

Tough competition, what with Mayer/Aniston, Criss Angel/Holly Something, Marissa Miller / Ass Pimple, and the Natalie Portman/Yeti disaster from last summer. And possibly Cuthbert/Avery.

But with this pic, they’ve just about locked it up.

Now if I can just figure out who they are…

Average White 'Bag

Average White ‘Bag is pointin’ to the stars to thank them for Maria as we gear up for the Douchies tomorrow.

I’ve added one more category due to demand, Best Ass Pear, and the three finalists in that category all have, uhm, nice Ass Pears.

Yeah, I guess the title gave that away before I finished the sentence.

It’s Sunday, and your humble narrator has the categories lined up and the voting booths ready to open.

But for now, I stare at the lazy, smoggy Los Angeles haze, and enjoy a tasty bowl of Corn Pops. For it is Sunday. And Sunday is extra sugar cereal day.

Acey Douchey Gettin' Ready

HCwDB of the Year Finalist Acey Douchey is gearin’ up for the Douchies.

Your humble narrator is spending his Saturday going through the year’s pics and boiling the categories down, but it is not easy. Props to all the ‘bag hunters and huntresses for your suggestions, the next two weeks are gonna be nuts.

Even the late, great Pumpy is looking down upon us and blessing us from the afterlife.

On a book note, I’m psyched as hell to see Urban Outfitters get on the HCwDB bandwagon. But what’s with this store listing my book alongside Japanese Movie Monster Books?

Then again, it has a weird sort of logic.

2008 Douchies: Beginning on Monday

The 2008 Douchies start on Monday, and I’m still putting together all the finalists and awards.

Each day will have 1-2 voting categories as well as 2-3 Douchie Awards handed out in non-voting categories (where I just pick a winner). But if there are any pics over the past year that you feel deserve recognition, either on the hott side or the scrotal taint side, now’s your chance. If you already entered your thoughts in the last thread, no need to repeat here.

Here’s your categories:

Hottest Hott
Best Golden Globes
Smells Like Poo
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest Facial Expression
Most Annoying ‘Bagling
The Ricky (aka “Douchiest Everybag”)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Most Innovative New ‘Bag Maneuver
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim in 2023
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best ‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Best ‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)
Douchiest TV Show of the Year
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year

I’ve also added two additional ones:

Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy
Douchiest Bello

(Although you may have an idea who’s got the 2008 Douchie locked up in that last category)

And on an unrelated note, I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with John F. Kennedy’s granddaughter, Rose Schlossberg, a student at Harvard, based on this incredibly sexy pic of Rose in librarian glasses, casually hanging out, yet eyes afire with passion.

She is in the running to be the fourth ex-Mrs. DB1. If anyone has more pics, send ’em in. I would paddle her bare bottom with caramel nugat, and them rub graham crackers on my belly until she got bored and called security.

Friday Fung and Links

Ah yes, Joey Porsche at the Prom.

Speaking of disturbing prompas growing up, I have a picture of the grown up Oompa Prompa, Fung, that is so rank, so foul, I almost didn’t post it. It is that brain melting.

As is always the case with Fung, there are no hotts present. Only self worship. And burnt umber douchebaggery. NOTE: You have been warned. View this at your own risk:

Fung.

What else can I say? It sort of says it all about douche.

Your humble narrator gazes at the Los Angeles skyline, sprays Man Junk on his nethers, and hums the theme to Stripes. Because if Anita goes, the plants’ll die.

Other random links as I clear out the pixel closet:

Nicholas Cage’s son is apparently growing up into something emo and freaky. Fast Times at Ridgemont, indeed.

Does Prince of Persia have a hottie/douchey videogame thing going on?

One reader tracked down one of the Busted Tees models, and discovered she’s dating an uberdouche. I don’t really know what Busted Tees is, I just like that the model in an online banner ad is stalk-worthy.

You don’t need to speak Swedish to know this guy is ubersquat.

But Peyton List makes it all better.

Crack open a can of PBR and forget you saw that Fung pic. The weekend is here.

The Smorgasboard of Scrote, Part. 2.

You know how the next day after a party, the food table smells like feet?

Exactly.

But on the bright side, boobies.

They are firm and dance and shake like tribal extras in a 1940s racist Disney cartoon. They hop up and down like conga participants at the YMCA rec center. Even on a Bleeth, the boobs offer truth and light and are the tasty Hostess HoHos of the body part world.

Honorary HCwDB of the Month: Elisha Cuthbert and Sean Avery

—-
Dear DB1-

‘bag on-
douchetoevsky
—-

I don’t know who Sean Avery is, and he doesn’t seem that particularly douchey to me, but the Cuthbert is the hottness.

And since a number of readers have written in wanting me to nominate them as a Celebrity HCwDB of the Month, and I loves me some 24 Jack Bauer daughter Nordic beauty, and it’s Friday, here’s ya go.