Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week

Welcome back, fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses.

It’s a shiny, polished New Year. Gone are last year’s bodysprays. In are a new crop of Brody Jennerisms to be mocked and ridiculed, while lusting after their hotts.

Your humble narrator, still recovering from his drunken crawl through lower New York, is freshly shaved and ready to go. I’ve sprayed on my Man Junk, dusted off my copy of “Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. 7” for a new round of verbal mock, and lightly powdered my outer thighs with confectioner’s sugar and maraschino cherry. It’s time.

Here’s your first Weekly of 2009:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Tiny Anabelle Gets Swamped

With over a month of pics to choose from, there were many choices to cull down to a final three. But Tiny Anabelle was a no-doubt selection.

Getting circled by the cast of Sublime: The Musical was too awkward not to run.

The fact that the toolshed in the back is directing airplane traffic while Brillo Head on the right awkwardly hovers, all leads us to the Pterodactyl Douche up front.

Note classic “Shocker” hand gesture, dribbley chin pubes and a gut that looks like the alien from Meatballs 2.

And did I mention that Tiny Anabelle makes shellfish dance “under the sea”?

And by sea, I mean Antwerp. And by under, I mean bobby socks.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Loop de Poop

Rumors that this greasy crap-stain licking up on this Paid-to-Pose (PTP) brunette milkshake is an 80s hair-metal icon do not detract from the utter wrongness of the commingle.

Now it is true that the potential “PTP” status of the hott detracts from the gut-wrenching existential crisis that a true HCwDB pic should inspire in all who view it.

But we cannot be sure.

And where there is ambiguity, there is hypothetical projection.

And by projection, I mean stupid-ass stripey tiny scarves on middle-aged diaper poops.

And her suckle thighs are firm, yet soft, yet firm, yet soft.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Sir Sucks-a-Lot

Straddling the awkward line between sleazy Vegas promoter and Ducky in Pretty In Pink, Sir Sucks-a-Lot brings a ‘hawk and plenty of ‘tude, along with his Taylor Dane cutie, to the Weekly.

Not classic popped collar, go-to middle finger “tough guy” gesture, chin pubes, and douche-face.

Taylor Dayne is all sorts of drrty sexy, the kind who laughs at your jokes and is willing to make out at the bar even though people are getting annoyed.

She is delightful. And a hint of stomach area makes bluebirds sing “Zipp-a-dee-hoo-ha.”

But I digress.

Which of these three coupling of hottie/douchey wrongness is wrong enough to win the first Weekly of 2009?

That, my friends, is up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

The Sunday Finger

PIC DELETED

It’s a quiet sunday as I finish up my relaxing time lusting after the New York Boobie Suckle Thighs and mocking the Jerz Bridge-and-Tunnel ass puddles.

Lots of pics in the hamper as we gear up for full-speed-ahead tomorrow.

In the interim, here’s a classic Club Barf whose ‘tude amplifies his secondary-level adouchrements. Sure he’s got the wristdanna, and some faux. But squashing purple dress while flipping off the camera? That’s what elevates the choad to true mock-worthy status.

He is a sweat stain washed off the ballsack off Mutant Chet at the end of Weird Science. And yes, I’m still thinking about 80s Kelly LeBrock from New Years.

Balloons

It’s like the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving Parade of Hottie/Douchosity.

Broheims!! It’s Saturday, Bra!!

Broheims!! It's Saturday, Bra!!

Musclebag Courting Ritual #53

Dazzle the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh with displays of prodigious circus strength.

Then get drunk and puke on her handbag.

King Douchuous the IV: Still Spikey

Oh King D the IV.

You may have been instantly kicked off MTV’s A Double Shot at Love last month.

But your spikey greasosity and constant cohabitation with the ladiez will always earn you a spot here at HCwDB.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Another Friday Thoughts and Links, as I realize hangovers don’t disperse as easily in your 30s as they did in your 20s.

HCwDB’s own Vin Douchal composes, writes and performs a tribute to Donkey Douche’s recent arrest in the strange and surreal Donkey Opus in Douche Major.

New UFC Ring Girl Logan Stanton has freshly scrubbed Ivory Snow Girl Hottness. And, naturally, a Greasy Eurodouche growing out of her ear.

Here’s a pic of Baby Fung, the teen years, before the Orangeness and Blowout took over. Although I’m not convinced it’s him. He’s supposedly in the white shirt on the left.

The dancing clown in yesterday’s “He’ll Be Loving You All His Life” clip is none other than MySpace Doucherstar ChadMac. Hometown: HATERVILLE, Georgia.

Speaking of Donkey Douche’s arrest, here’s a follow up (with new mini-fauxhawk mugshot goodness).

And finally, Christian Audigier, the assclown who brought us the plague of Ed Hardy, is such a douchenozzle, he… well, just look.

May you celebrate the purity of the body and soul without the need for name-brand validation tonight, and may your evening be douche-free.

‘Baglings at Play

Enjoy it now, Huck and Tom, for when Carolina turns 18 and moves to New York, she’ll trade in your doughey asses for a Wall Street Trader ‘Bag.

Which is worse.

Great. I meant to mock you guys and just ended up depressing myself.

'Baglings at Play

Enjoy it now, Huck and Tom, for when Carolina turns 18 and moves to New York, she’ll trade in your doughey asses for a Wall Street Trader ‘Bag.

Which is worse.

Great. I meant to mock you guys and just ended up depressing myself.