Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Brianna's ATM

Remember that nerd-sexy girl from Senior Year who always seemed to be slightly “above” the wanks who hovered awkwardly arounds her at lunch? Slightly removed. Detached from the white-noise of college sexual tension.

The girl who should’ve been wearing librarian glasses to fire up your fantasies, but never did. The one who when you walked by her, studying in the quad, she’d give you a smile that could melt Eskimo scrotum after seal hunt?

That’s Brianna.

She knows what’s up.

And what’s up is Pietro, the Italian exchange student from Florence, is paying.

Peach Point Forever

One of the first legendary doucherstars of HCwDB, Hall of Scrote member Peaches is still going strong in 2009.

With sloping, unibrow-esque forehead, and ubiquitous douche-point in presence of multiple chickas, Peaches, like the Gator before him, has the superstar consistency of a Tiger Woods or Lance Armstrong.

A pooey Lance Armstrong.

For Peaches will point-on forever.

Do not try to stop him.

Or you will get roughly poked.

Jed Loves the Doggie ‘Baggin’

It’s one thing to doggie ‘bag your local hoochie hott during happy hour. I get that. I get the stars t-shirt and the faux hawk and the douche face. And by get, I mean mock.

But what’s with the ants forming the number “7” on the chin?

I haven’t seen insects this synchronized since the periodical cicada swarms of 2007.

Jed Loves the Doggie 'Baggin'

It’s one thing to doggie ‘bag your local hoochie hott during happy hour. I get that. I get the stars t-shirt and the faux hawk and the douche face. And by get, I mean mock.

But what’s with the ants forming the number “7” on the chin?

I haven’t seen insects this synchronized since the periodical cicada swarms of 2007.

Licking the Crows

Curly could only chuckle to himself as Samantha got crushed between Z-Love and H-Bomb, the most happenin’ DJs on the Alberta wedding circuit.

Or, as Z-Love likes to put it, Lets get this party started, people! Come on out on the dance floor! Even you, Grandma Norma! Here’s “I Will Survive,” by Gloria Gaynor!

Z-Love is also available for Bar Mitzvahs, Anniversary Parties, Bachelor Parties, and, of course, the midnight to 8am shift at Denny’s.

‘Bag / Not a ‘Bag

PIC DELETED

With no hand gestures, no cheesy tatts, no annoying bling, and no douche-face, I’m inclined to give Overdeveloped Gentleman Who Could Snap My Spine Like a Pencil, a nottadouche pass and quickly move on.

Paola with the tiny boobs and archy back is all sorts of wrong-for-you Hott. You know she’s polluted by ‘bag virus, yet you’d still listen to her complain about how she needs a “sugar daddy” until her hair salon project gets funded, just for the chance she’ll make out with you for thirty seconds in one of the Cabanas.

But she won’t. Because her BFF just texted.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

PIC DELETED

With no hand gestures, no cheesy tatts, no annoying bling, and no douche-face, I’m inclined to give Overdeveloped Gentleman Who Could Snap My Spine Like a Pencil, a nottadouche pass and quickly move on.

Paola with the tiny boobs and archy back is all sorts of wrong-for-you Hott. You know she’s polluted by ‘bag virus, yet you’d still listen to her complain about how she needs a “sugar daddy” until her hair salon project gets funded, just for the chance she’ll make out with you for thirty seconds in one of the Cabanas.

But she won’t. Because her BFF just texted.

Revised HCwDB of the Week: ‘Bag Bats Maru

Yup, I missed it.

Your humble narrator, distracted by boobies and hat tilt, didn’t even make the connection that Studs Urkel was the one and the same as Sir Sucks-a-Lot, even as a number of readers tried to alert my hungover ass.

I did a cursory glance last week and I could’ve sworn they looked like distinctly different brands of douchebag. Then I matched up the Douche-Chin, and baby Jesus wept.

Two wins with two different hotts in two different douchological disguises is unprecedented here at HCwDB. Sir Sucks-a-Lot is making a strong case for HCwDB of the Month.

But for now, congrats to ‘Bag Bats Maru aka The Saturday “WTF?” You may be a famous designer, but this pic is too mockworthy to be denied. See you in the Monthly.

Revised HCwDB of the Week: 'Bag Bats Maru

Yup, I missed it.

Your humble narrator, distracted by boobies and hat tilt, didn’t even make the connection that Studs Urkel was the one and the same as Sir Sucks-a-Lot, even as a number of readers tried to alert my hungover ass.

I did a cursory glance last week and I could’ve sworn they looked like distinctly different brands of douchebag. Then I matched up the Douche-Chin, and baby Jesus wept.

Two wins with two different hotts in two different douchological disguises is unprecedented here at HCwDB. Sir Sucks-a-Lot is making a strong case for HCwDB of the Month.

But for now, congrats to ‘Bag Bats Maru aka The Saturday “WTF?” You may be a famous designer, but this pic is too mockworthy to be denied. See you in the Monthly.

Orange Redenbacher

When even the hair is Jiffy Pop it might be time for Confused Cathy to reexamine her life choices.

EDIT: Reader KP just emailed to alert me that Orange Redenbacher may, in fact, be the notorious Pieface.