Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: Studs Urkel

All three pics had supporters. All three pics almost won.

But the creepy tri-vag facial pubes, 20 degree Jesus Bling Hat Tilt, and the sexy, curvy Cleopatra took the most votes:

dbBen: Studs Urkel. Only Ming the Merciless should have a beard that pointy.

Anonymous: i gotta go with Studs, easily the hottest hott, and the most punchable face of the bunch

The Donger: Studs Urkel FTW, but I nominate WTF for a 2009 Douchie in the category of Douchiest Bling.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Vaginas: studs urkel for the win. having cornrows on your face is a poorly thought out idea.

Anonymous: Studs Urkel, The unbelievable hotness to douche nozzle ratio is just too unbalanced not to give recognition.

Excellent and concise evisceration on the part of all ‘bag hunters and huntresses, good work people. But The Oily Bohunk also had support:

Frederic Choadpin: The simplicity of Bohunk may hurt him in the end, but he is all douche. His simple genius is reminiscent of the subtle and introspective genius of a Miles Davis solo, with the fecal stench of Kenny G’s soprano. Bohunk FTW.

stitchgroover: Gotta vote for Oily Bohunk. This guy is pure douche – no hats, no belts, no tatts… just essence of douche.

The Bohunk had classic ‘bag essence, and a tasty girl-next-door, and was a worthy candidate. Meanwhile, the freakish Sunday WTF aka ‘Bag Bats Maru also found support:

pineconeboy: The Sunday WTF is just too hilariously surreal to pass up. Another vote for Bag Bats Maru.

Anonymous: ‘Bag Bats Maru FTW. What more can I say other than grill + boobies = winner.

But the everpresent Anonymous explains why S.U. and Cleo are too strong a hottie/douchey coupling to ignore:

I would have to give Studs the win here as well. This douche-waffle shows an extra level of skeezerness by carrying around an SLR camera to make hotties think that their picture may wind up someplace other than this wank’s flat screen monitor in a darkened room (ok, that’s an image I will have a hard time dismissing) or MySpace. Besides, how can you take a picture with your hat pulled over your face and the lens cap probably still on the lens??

The camera was the key uber-douche givaway that many ‘bag hunters missed in this pic. It is technology as a douchrement. As such, it should be mocked.

Great work to all who voted, and we’ll see Urkel and Cleo in the Monthly.

The Tacklebag

Rare is the tool that can lift up an armful of Daisy Duke Hott and still be able to make a ‘bag hand gesture.

I dub thee Tacklebag.

In honor of the great Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies. Who went on to a fantastic career in dinner theaters throughout the greater Florida area.

Bling the Merciless

Since the light isn’t reflecting that annoying bling, I’m going to pretend it’s actually an image of Calvin and Hobbes sledding.

Anything to take my mind off the fact that Bling is rubbing up against Ski Bunny Satine, yet is focusing on daintily holding up his ginormous “medallion” to prove his manhood.

Sorry, Bling. Any claim to powerful hetero masculinity is lost when you hold your necklace up like Richard Simmons selecting a cream puff off the snack platter at his cousin Shelly’s wedding shower.

Why Ed Hardy Sucks Alpaca Balls

Rebellious clocks.

Clocks that stick it to “The Man.”

Clocks that scream “Rocker tatts and Harleys!!” from the wall of your den or in the garage near your minivan.

Clocks that express the rugged anti-social individuality that you can buy 25% off at Macy’s if you use your Macy’s card. But only through Sunday.

And now, Ed Hardy for Women.

It’s official. Ed Hardy has replaced A/X as the mass-marketed poseur “individuality” branding product of 2009.

The Turnips

When Suzanne told Vera she had to come out to the club and check out The Turnips, Suzanne thought she was speaking about a new indie band.

Butthead

Four cheeks, one log.

Yeah, this isn’t my classiest or most erudite post, but in my defense, butts and ‘bags squashed together have a certain low-rent aesthetic poetry.

Sort of the HCwDB equivalent of a Velvet Elvis or Dogs Playing Poker.

Your Monday “WTF?”

‘Bag Bats Maru wants to see if you’ve voted in the HCwDB of the Week.

If not, he’ll bite your neck off.

Your Monday "WTF?"

‘Bag Bats Maru wants to see if you’ve voted in the HCwDB of the Week.

If not, he’ll bite your neck off.

Tag This ‘Bag

Confused Ron Livingston with the shaved and greased pigeon chest (except for freedom trail), the smug expression in presence of Hoochie Hotts, and key necklace brings up an important question:

What brand on the douchological tree does this turd fall?

He’s not a DJ-Bag. He’s not a musclebag. He’s not a Guidobag or Jerz poo.

Help me out.

Tag this ‘bag in the comments thread.

And boobies.

EDIT:

3rd Place: The Assasination of Jessie and Jamie by the Douchebag Robert Ford. — Crucial Head
2nd Place: JibJab ‘Bag — Douchelexic
Winner: The Bagcidental Whorist — wonkydouchey

Tag This 'Bag

Confused Ron Livingston with the shaved and greased pigeon chest (except for freedom trail), the smug expression in presence of Hoochie Hotts, and key necklace brings up an important question:

What brand on the douchological tree does this turd fall?

He’s not a DJ-Bag. He’s not a musclebag. He’s not a Guidobag or Jerz poo.

Help me out.

Tag this ‘bag in the comments thread.

And boobies.

EDIT:

3rd Place: The Assasination of Jessie and Jamie by the Douchebag Robert Ford. — Crucial Head
2nd Place: JibJab ‘Bag — Douchelexic
Winner: The Bagcidental Whorist — wonkydouchey