Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Wednesday Limerick

There once was a greasebag who’d rehearse,
How to smash into ladies groin-first,
He fondled the blondes,
In the hopes they’d respond,
But he smelled like the worst of Bratwurst.

Three Clowns

Tara had heard the legends of the Three Clowns in the school yard.

An urban legend of three clowns so scrotey, that together they formed what became known as the giant vortex of taint poo.

But never did Tara believe they were real. No combinations of plaid pants, 70 degree hat tilts, hand gestures and Jesus bling could come together so strongly and so waftingly.

Until one day, Tara smelled dead rodent.

And knew that the rumors were true.

HCwDB of the Month: The Ghoulbag

In a bit of a surprise in one of the evenest votes in awhile, the rank poseur “Metal” spew of The Ghoulbag and his Tri-Brunettes knocked off Sir Sucks-a-Lot to take the prize:.

Mr. Belvadouche: The psuedo rocker who borrowers money from grandma ghoul to buy his 2 $145 belts. Kisses her gently as he leaves the enterance to his room via her basement door.

Mike: Give me ten minutes, a bag of sandpaper, and a claw hammer and I think I could almost make Ghoulbag look presentable. I only say almost, however, and after failing at that I’d take the three Hotts on a bizarro cross country adventure of self-discovery. Which is a euphemism for my penis.

portlanddouche: Ghoulbag. Those three cuties are far more suckleworthy than that dyed-blond freak with the pumped up lips who’s hanging with SSAL. Plus, I really want to kick his ass.

Sir: It has to be Ghoulbag. BBM and Sharpie are out because there is something clearly unnatural and posed about their photos. SSAL can’t win because he is simply less than Ghoulbag. He is less scrote. He has fewer hotts. He simply does not measure up.

Archidoucheis: I’m gonna go with Ghoulbag because I feel that the “Bam Magera-wannabe-bag” is under represented here at HCwDB.

Douchetros Douchetros-Ghali: Ghoulbag is the root of all our problems. Once his miserable life is snuffed out, the economic crisis will go away, Zimbabwe will become a global power, and I will once again be able to achieve an erection. Oh, how I want to beat his head with a tire iron until it looks like a piece of lasagna. Ghoulbag FTW.

Douche Diggler: Ghoulbag FTW. What a rage inducing pic.

The DoucheFather: I’m gonna have to go with the GhoulBag. I just want to dropkick a Breaking Benjamin souvenir shot glass full of skunk choad into his face and then make him explain that growth of off center grundle-hair he is rocking under his lip.

Shamespear the Magnificent: Imitation Gollums should never have women. Ever.

No Country for Old Douchebags: Ghoulbag FTW, mostly for the whole Man-is-this-look-going-to-piss-off-Mom-style rebellion. The Essence of Pure Douche.

Well said, panel, excellent hottie/douchey dissection as always. Although the love for the Tri-Brunettes in Ghoulbag’s pic is not as strong as it should be. Take another look. They are tasty.

But back to the voting. The classic club-sandwich douche of Sir Sucks-a-Lot came in a close second:

pineconeboy: Sir Sucks. Look at that goddamn pout and “gangsta” middle finger technique. Somebody should light that mohawk on fire.

Gee Forge: Sir Sucks-a-Lot. The audacity to demonstrate such poo stain in two distinct sub-species of douche speaks volumes to his true inner crying child. And that both of his hotts are stunning, refreshingly all natural, and displaying delectable abdominals pushes him over the edge. A metaphorical edge that I would love to be the real edge of the grand canyon so that I could pay Jean-Claude Van Damme to uppercut him off of it.

Douche Unto Others: When Six-Sucks-a-Lot prays his hollow gaze requires squinting so as not burn his eyes from the haze of his own AXE. Slack-jawed and mouth agape, he lazily extends his middle finger toward the heavens. And this is his prayer. He is praying to us to elect him as HCwDB of the month.

d.baggins v2.0: Sir Sucks A Lot is causing my anus to leak and not in the good bunny pellets kind of way, I’m talking full on brown tsunami.

I hear ya, d.baggins. Sucks-a-Lot is definitely a bowel inducer. Sharpie Ringworm came in third, followed by ‘Bag Bats Maru fourth, but with support:

The Donger: BBM looks like the illegitimate, angst-ridden, wayward son of a trist between James Bond’s Jaws and a near-sighted geisha named Tamaki. For that reason, and the fact that he is next to flotation devices bigger than the ones to raise that ditched Airbus from the Hudson, BBM gets my vote for HCwDB of the Month.

Gerladouche Rivera: Well you can cleary see Bag Bats is demonstrating the latest technology in Biomechanical Vehicular Dual Double Inflatable Bust Airbag System by SilicoCorp

But CeeGee explains why Ghoulbag and the Tri-Brunettes take the case:

Ghoulbag. Far and away. I just rage so hard whenever I see that picture. Ill bet he likes ICP. And why are those hotts in the same room with this wanker?

Well said, CeeGee, and props to all who voted in the comments thread. A surprising win, perhaps, but The Ghoulbag and the Tri-Brunettes introduce Rocker Taint with Sorority Hott to the 2009 Douchies as the first entry in the HCwDB of the Year. Give this pic its props.

And then mock Ghoulbag’s double belt and tooth fungus.

Tag This ‘Bag

I got nuthin’.

So I turn it over to you.

What category should we place Bob Dylan Fungus Head and his girl next door suckle-worthy retro 1970s Westchester Key Party Hott in?

Describe what placement on the douchey/hottie chart these two deserve.

Winner gets to shank this tool’s head with a rusty spoon found in the prison yard outside of Joliet.

EDIT: Winning Entries:

3rd Place: “Beady, The Pansy-Shirted Patron Saint of The Flatulence-Faced.” — Frieda’s Boss
2nd Place: “Ralph Douchio and Marisa Choadei” — Vin Douchal
Winner: “Fondent Elvis funds a Flowbie.” — ScottBagula

Tag This 'Bag

I got nuthin’.

So I turn it over to you.

What category should we place Bob Dylan Fungus Head and his girl next door suckle-worthy retro 1970s Westchester Key Party Hott in?

Describe what placement on the douchey/hottie chart these two deserve.

Winner gets to shank this tool’s head with a rusty spoon found in the prison yard outside of Joliet.

EDIT: Winning Entries:

3rd Place: “Beady, The Pansy-Shirted Patron Saint of The Flatulence-Faced.” — Frieda’s Boss
2nd Place: “Ralph Douchio and Marisa Choadei” — Vin Douchal
Winner: “Fondent Elvis funds a Flowbie.” — ScottBagula

Slumdouche Millionaire

There’s just too much going on in this pic for me to clearly identify the douchal category at work in this mugging of a Indian Princess.

Tabouli Ice?

M. Night Shyamadouche?

Mascrotma Gandhi?

I haven’t seen an eyebrow shave plus “Shocker” combo that disturbing since my last meditation trip to Poona.

And what’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite gesturing at?

Yeah, this post is falling back on the obvious ethnic jokes. I hate myself for the lazy humor.

Time for another Mr. Pibb.

2009: An Orange Odyssey

That’s it. We’ve gone from trend to epidemic.

2009 is the Year of the Orange.

While other douchal signifiers, like popped collars, Jesus bling and A/X shirts are beginning to recede, a whole new crop of shmeg has washed in to take their place.

And Orange is at the top of the chest shaving middle finger giving Derek Jeter Head wearing list.

Poor Cynthia. So sweet. With tiny neck and swollen boobuousness. Way too young and innocent to be suffering from a stage-2/3 Grieco Virus infection (as noted in the double hand gesture).

But that’s what happens when you’re exposed to Orange Jeter.

Behind the Velvet Asphalt

Parking Lots.

The new VIP room.

Where Jerz Mugs in plaid pants can’t quite figure out how to point, and stage-4 Bleeths make the “horns.”

And in the distance… the douchebags frolic…

The Kissy Lips

The famous theologian William Barclay once remarked,“There are two great days in a person’s life — the day we are born and the day we discover why.”

For some of us, that life-mission is to help the poor. For others, to learn and celebrate the arts. For still others, to enrich one’s self with knowledge.

For Kissy Lips, it’s to rub the small of a lady’s back while making the kissy lips.

What would William Barclay make of the Kissy Lips? Would we amend his philosophical treatise? Or would he simply kick Kissy Lips in the nads and then suck on Carol’s shoulder?

Ask DB1: Librarian Glasses

—-
Dear DB1-

C.J. (Douchelexic)
—-

The appeal of the librarian glasses look on a girl is simply the notion of a smoldering, covert sexuality. A base, animalistic rawness, hidden under cover of erudite study.

The idea that underneath the veneer of social, civilized norms and established societal convention, the primitive impulse of the hott is just waiting to pounce. To rip off your clothes and pelt your upper thigh area with butter rolls while dressed in a rubber chicken outfit.

Men must be relatively forgiving if a woman desires to “fake” the librarian look for their benefit. For she is only telling us what we want to hear — that after quietly sorting books by Dewey Decimal System, she will slobber upon our ears and upper neck area like a lost Conquistador attempting to hack through underbrush west of Montezuma. And for performing as “librarian hott” for our benefit we should be grateful.