Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Zoot Scrote

We haven’t featured a lot of retro 1940s Swingers ‘Bags on the site, mainly because they’re hard to tag in the wild.

They’re elusive. Hidden. Unlike their more outrageous douche-cousins, the Zoot Scrotes hide in the shadows.

Yet here we’ve uncovered a rare pic of the eyeliner wearing, chest shave displaying, Zoot Scrote in his native habitat. Which is apparently a boiler room.

Note the two Icy Blonde Hotts. They are unaware that the Zoot Scrote is waiting to pounce. Because Zoot Scrotes are stealth.

And by stealth, I mean annoying.

The Gelfling

Can someone explain the incoherency of this pic to me?

Two sweet girl-next-door types, one of whom with ample and tremendous baby feeding ability, an Asian design major, and a crotch displaying Gelfling.

It’s like a wholesome Midwestern Christmas party picture in every respect except one. It’s got a hint of douche-pube.

How does this come to happen?

How do the Girls Next Door not run screaming for the hills?

How does Kevin, the Asian design major, not realize he’s embracing a dude with his pants sloping towards his Little Gelfling?

That’s it. I need a PBR. It’s almost 10am.

That’s like martini hour. Sort of.

Friday Haiku

Hardy Boy cries, “Wuuutttttt!”
Doggie ‘Bags boozed Jerz bar wench,
Angels weep sadly.

After Muppet Show
Things went downhill for Beaker
I blame Doc Bunsen

— Mr. White

The curtain has dropped
On this failing Broadway act
It’s ‘The Prodouchers.’

— Crucial Head

The Kissy Face and
Bleached Blonde Hair; beep beep beep,
I hear you backing

— Puddin’ Head Wilson

exclaiming O-face
excitement versus blond bleeth
disproportionate

— Dimples

He yodels for help
As she tops off yet more
Urine sample cups

— DarkSock

Wee Willy Weasel

Because chest display, Jesus Bling, White Belt and undies poke are not enough to provide proof positive of douchal infection.

Wee Willy Weasel must also make “The Kissy Lip Pout.”

Katie is definitely rethinking her decision to drop out of Arizona State and take that hostessing job in Vegas.

‘Baglings at the Mall

Because nothing impresses your best friend’s hott sister more than the Cadillac belt buckle.

'Baglings at the Mall

Because nothing impresses your best friend’s hott sister more than the Cadillac belt buckle.

Welcome New HCwDB Visitors

If you’re coming to the site for the first time, I’d like to offer you a welcome to our little corner of the hottie/douchey world. Or, as I like to say, come for the ‘bags, stay for the boobies.

So what is HCwDB about?

Well, I’m your humble narrator, DB1. I run pics of hot chicks. With douchebags. And provide erudite cultural critique of the social phenomenon of hottie/douchey commingling.

Then I stare at the girl’s boobs and get drunk.

The regulars in the comments threads then take over the ongoing deconstruction of all that is wrong with our culture.

We do an HCwDB of the Week every week, voted on in the comments threads by the hilarious ‘bag hunters and huntresses who have joined the cause.

We do the Douchie Awards every year in December.

And we drink. A lot. And stare at boobies.

You may have read about the dismissal of charges against my book yesterday, and you can scroll down to read more about that in my entry on the subject.

Or perhaps you saw the discussion today on Fox News’s American Newsroom, of which I’m still trying to get footage of (my kingdom for a YouTube clip!).

For an overview of the site, you can read the FAQ (although it desperately needs updating). Or check out the legends in the Hall of Scrote and Hall of Hott by scrolling down (they’re in the left-side column).

And, if you’re confused by any of the terminology or need to learn more about the 5,000 year history of hottie/douchey commingling, I of course recommend buying a copy of The Book. It makes a great gift if you or a loved one you know is either dating a ‘bag, or has become a ‘bag, and needs saving.

Or simply sit back and join our collective journey into the spectacle of the culturally validated “erotic” sold as product to fuel the global douchological conspiracy.

Ed Hardy t-shirts. Axe Bodyspray. Grey Goose Vodka.

In the real world, men seek out the spectacle to attract the hott. On HCwDB, we critique them for doing so.

EDIT: The panel discusses HCwDB on Fox News

EDIT #2: And now I’m currently #2 on the Google Trend list. Take that, Abe Lincoln.

Kettlehead’s Eyebrow Demands Recount

Having lost in the HCwDB of the Week contest, Kettlehead’s eyebrow just showed up, and in a falsetto voice, screamed out, “We wuz robbed!”

So to appease his eyebrow overlord, Kettlehead is now increasing both collar pop, shaven chest reveal, and hott mugging.

It’s a protest vote.

But Orange Jeter and Cynthia are not giving up the Win.

Kettlehead's Eyebrow Demands Recount

Having lost in the HCwDB of the Week contest, Kettlehead’s eyebrow just showed up, and in a falsetto voice, screamed out, “We wuz robbed!”

So to appease his eyebrow overlord, Kettlehead is now increasing both collar pop, shaven chest reveal, and hott mugging.

It’s a protest vote.

But Orange Jeter and Cynthia are not giving up the Win.

HCwDB of the Week: 2009: An Orange Odyssey aka Derek Jeter Head and Cynthia

In a startling upset of quality (the singular hott/douche pic) over quantity (an epic run of multi-baggery), 2009’s Orange Odyssey Jeter Head and his hott, Cynthia, managed to squeak out the victory over the robotic and consistent Kettlehead.

massengill: 2009: An Orange Odyssey FTW. He’s got the A/X hoodie over a wife-beater. He’s making an uncommon ‘bag hand gesture #243: The sideways bird with thumb extension. He’s orange. She’s smokin’ hot.

Mr. White: Orange Odyssey FTW, without question. Let us put this unfortunate Kettlehead business behind us. He is no Bra, and therefore unworthy of the attention he has gotten.

Waiting for Godouche: Orange. 1) he is orange. 2) hand gesture. 3) hoodie. 4) slight litte smirk that makes me want to hit him. 4) she is uber-hot

Medusa Oblongata: Despite the small voice in the left rear part of my brain that is screaming for a Kettlehead victory, I’m gonna have to give it to OO. His orangeness, his smugness, that stupid gun-finger gesture (how innovative!) and the hottness of the hott are aggravating, at best, kill-worthy at worst.

Douche Springsteen: Orange Odyssey ftw. There’s something so self-aware about his stupid smug face that makes him more offensive than the other two. His hott is also the most suckle-able and he may have introduced a new hand sign into the douche lexicon.

Douche Unto Others: I was afraid Kettlehead was going to get more credit than he deserved simply because we’ve seen no less than a thousand pictures of him. I’ll admit he’s annoying, but he’s a very subdued brand of annoying. 2009: An Orange Odyssey, on the other hand, initiates that guttural fury that makes me want to slough the skin off his face with a carrot peeler. Then take his gal out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

Emma G: Orange FTW, no doubt. Id like to punch his face with a whack a mole bat, then collect my tickets to buy a chuckie cheese harmonica. DOUCHE!

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Cynthia is the hottest of the hotts and Odyssey is the Orangest of the Douche. Orange Odyssey for the win.

Judge Judouche: 2009 An Orange Odyssey FTW! I got so pissed off looking at that picture I punched a hole through the wall – seriously. What an absolute HOS-worthy douchebag with an absolute HOH-worthy chick. This is what HCWDB is all about.

Douche-o Baggins: Orange. Hottest hott ever. Biggest douche ever. Kettlehead is the type of douche you can point and laugh at. Orange is the type of douche that makes you want to throw yourself into moving traffic just so you never have to look at him again. Orange FTW. Also, I would marry that girl no matter how dumb/worthless she is.

Douchepocalypse Now: Orange. It would be a shame to see the win handed to Kettlehead because I think he would actually appreciate the victory. I think winning is actually his goal. The guy is a douchebag without a doubt, but he is no Orange.

Well said, panel, and this was one of the toughest Weekly’s in awhile. Kettlehead’s large body of consistent scrote may have ultimately cost him for having no singular pic rise to the top. Methinks we will see Kettlehead again at the 2009 Douchies, though.

Jean Claude Van Douche: My vote is for Kettlehead, and his consistent telepathic Zoltanesque stare that is telling me it’s ok to wear woman’s clothes, tilt my hat, sculpt my facial hair, and douche it up. For I will recieve the blessing of the hotts, and 72 virgin bleeths when I die.

Sprechen Sie Douche: Kettlehead–simply for his inability to buy shirts that can fit his bloated moobs within. Kettlehead should win a proper moob shirt.

Champagne Douchernova: What Kettlehead has is consistency. Which is that of spoiled sushi with a Visine chaser. Kettlehead FTW. And once again, a small piece of me dies inside.

Douchetopia: Yeah, Kettlehead FTW. This guy has wannabe male model written all over him. That eyebrow cocked stare with sunglasses combo-look he gives me the urge to smash something with a 2×4… Preferably his ugly face.

Excellent deconstructions of the hottie/douchey dialectics all around. Kettlehead gave it his eyebrow try, but he went up against a supreme singular pic. And let’s not forget our third entry. The everpresent Anonymous chimes in to argue for the rank spew of the Douchie Pop:

I’ve been looking at this site for about 2 months now and have not felt such instantaneous rage boil up inside me as I did when I saw Douchie Pop. Seeing him makes we want to turn heretic, run into a church with the pic of douchie pop and screem Where?! Where?! Where is your God now?! Its the argument from evil. How could a just God allow this.

And Captain Bringdown agrees:

Douchie Pop to win, because triathlete hotts licking snarly chihuahua-faced tools makes my brain and fists spasm.

But in an amazing and hard-fought victory, Orange Derek Jeter Head’s rank doucheyness and Cynthia’s sweet smile were too much to overcome. Billy Jag explains:

this turd has a smoking hot little strumpet in daisy dukes pressing her perky little c-cups into him and all he can do is halfheartedly give the finger while looking off wistfully with an expression that says, “jesus, that bouncer bouncer is totally ripped! i wonder where he got those jeans…”

orange odyssey ftw!

And UFO Destroyers: Gotta be 2009:An Orange Odyssey. Because Cynthia makes my monolith rise in my pants and scares monkeys into throw sticks at it. And I hate Jeter-head more than the eyebrow and douche-pop.

Chalk up a surprise and well earned victory for the Robert Parish like OO, and we’ll see this Orange couple in the Monthy.