Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Scrotal Aura #624

Here’s yet another classic example of “Scrotal Aura.”

A dude who, other than a strange hair-loss pattern and a d-neck t-shirt, really hasn’t committed any cardinal sins of choadwankery.

Yet something about his smug armlock of Susan eminates the taint of a thousand unwashed ballsacks. He is more than the sum of his parts. And by sum, I mean taint. And by parts, I mean balls.

Susan is perky, tiny, firm and delicious. She’s not our classic model type, but there is accountant-in-the-next-cubicle goodness with a dash of wild-side that is all sorts of happy pants screaming “Yayyyy!” on the short bus goodness.

Ask DB1: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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DB1-

Sincerely,
left4douche
—-

Douchebaggery’s disorder is actually a distant cousin of NPD, left4douche. The medical community generally refers to it as “Scrotal Personality Taint Disorder,” and it differs from NPD in one crucial respect: It is performative based. A learned behavior. A simulation if you will. That smells like a collegiate locker room’s sweatsock taint.

As such, treatment is generally recommended to be internet mocking based, or else a swift kick to the nads.

Robobag

Oh, Pilar. You sweet Brazilian minx. You have delightful teeth and a perky nose. All you wanted to do is come to America and sample our fine array of tasty cola beverages.

But instead a square chinned Robodouche with name-brand cap is mugging your personal space.

On behalf of Americans everywhere, I apologize. He is the Conquistador of anti-culture. The Montezuma’s Revenge of ruptive scrote.

Please do not play “just the tip” in a couple of hours. It will end badly, and Carnivale will never be the same.

The Primitive Marsupial

Not since those first primitive marsupial ancestors of our crawled out from the fjords and across the Adriondacks to seek out a mate by shouting “Yo, wassup? You work out?” have we seen such primitive scrotewankery.

Millions of years of evolution later.

Now the Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh shouts “wooo!!”

And she’s approached by billboards of a culture gone scrote. Who armlock her. And say “Yo.”

“Wassup? You work out?”

But, on the bright side, we did invent bikinis.

Reader Mail: Britbags

Leonardo Douche Vinci writes in from England:

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Hello,

These are by no means as douchey as your american breeds, who must have evolved on a high protein and poo diet after the puritan exodus, our douchebags have to survive in a far more subtle fashion. However you can see they still have the classic “hat tilt” mating signal that clear signifies them as the classic Douchebaggus Maximus we all know and deride.

Yours Sincerely,
Leonardo Douche Vinci
—-

The thing about the weak, inbred looking British chin, like we see here on Flock of Britgulls, is that I’m never sure if a dude is British or a twelve year old pygmy.

I do love Sally Jones, in all her uptight sexually repressed and vitamin-c deficiencies. I would read her Jacobian tragedies by candlelight, then hump her ankles while singing Monty Python’s “Every Sperm Is Sacred” in a fey, falsetto voice.

The Doobie Brother

Nothing says “Rasta Gangsta” in suburban Skokie quite like Jared tha Pimp.

Kimmy is delightful, cherubic, and way too happy to be embracing this Doobage of minimal future employment.

Yet stylin’ wall artwork.

Greazy-E

Greazy-E knows what’s up.

And what’s up is when you pose with a cherubic blonde uberhott for your MySpace mainpage, make sure your shaved abs are properly greased for maximum photogenic effect.

Otherwise people might question what an inflated headwound Musclebag is doing with a lamb suckle of that quality.

Distract ’em with the abs, Greazy. And they’ll never know what hit ’em.

Jean Jacket Jerry and Cheryl

Jean Jacket Jerry is all sorts of Phish listening Bennington attending ball-kicking assclownery.

Cheryl is a leading cause of global warming. In my pants.

And if that joke was lame, it is lame only because Cheryl is so hott that higher brain function in the area that leads to clever puns and alliterative euphemisms breaks down in a Mad Cowian way in her presence.

I would marinate myself in a giant vat of Bosco chocolate syrup and pickle brine for thirty-six straight hours wearing only flip-flops and a small loin cloth just for the chance to awkwardly sniff her abandoned pleather sofa from her sophomore year dorm common room.

Tighty Armani Knows What’s Up

2008 HCwDB of the Year Finalist, Tighty Armani, has brought along his tight Armani/Exchange shirt, Ubiquitous Red Cups, two tiny Long Island Jenny Cutes, and his Posse of b-list clowns, to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

T.A. has voted.

Have you?

Tighty Armani Knows What's Up

2008 HCwDB of the Year Finalist, Tighty Armani, has brought along his tight Armani/Exchange shirt, Ubiquitous Red Cups, two tiny Long Island Jenny Cutes, and his Posse of b-list clowns, to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

T.A. has voted.

Have you?