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Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Crosshair McJohnson
Now I know what you’re thinking, watching Crosshair McJohnson molest a Paid-to-Pose Chiquita Hott.
“Lip gloss? Makeup? Frosted tips? No way is Crosshair straight. Another Gaybag.”
Wrong again, Grasshopper. What so many dismiss as the province of flamboyant gayness on this site is, indeed, neither gay nor gaybaggery. This is the extent of douchal masquerade in the age of spectacle. Doucherosexuals inverting the normative gender structures as a means of getting ass pear.
Still don’t believe Crosshair doesn’t bat for the home team?
Crosshair McJohnson proves his heterosexual bonafides.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009Reader Mail: The Anti-Douche Abides
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DB1-
I am sending you what can only be described as a honey nut cluster of scrotacious baggery in toe with honey suckle hottness. Allow me to provide the back drop.
The deliciously dirty girl with the massive life supporting mammaries is my ex girlfriend. For a time, I pounded away at her like a diabetic baker preparing cookie dough. She relocated to California and that time passed. Occasionally, I find myself engaging in the masochistic activity of perving her myspace photos, only to find that she is copulating with a douched out dysgenic version of Greg Brady. Darwin would be turning in his grave.
But I digress. On my most recent venture to her gallery of hots and seminal misfires, I realized that her collage included a few grade A shots of scrotes with some of her hottie cohorts. I pass these on to you, Dbag1, to further enhance the message of your site.
My personal favorites are the two featuring her regal brunette friend I have come to name IjustWannalicka and the two groups of turd subs that have no business breathing in her luscious aroma, much less coming into physical contact with her divine velvet smooth skin. The Pablo Escobags and The Russian TerroScrotes may have filled their spank banks for the summer, but we can only pray they have not spilled their toxic reproductive material into the next generational gene pool.
– Jim the Anti-Douche
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These guys are only minimally ‘baggish, but since there’s boobies and Ubiquitous Red Cup, and a hilariously written email that would’ve been improved only with a gratuitous plug of my book, I’m a’runnin’ it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009The Saga of Red Dress Hott
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DB1-
The back story behind this pic is the girl in red was dating one of my good friends for about 2 years. The guy in the blue making the “shocker” was his best friend for those two years and more prior. My friend and the girl in red began fighting a lot more and this dude seemed to always “be there” if you know what I mean.
Eventually she dumped my friend and ran off with this dude. He essentially told my friend, “tough luck I took your woman,” making him a complete douche. His favourite activities include drinking grey goose, pimpin hoes, wearing cowboy hats and frequently unbuttoning popped collored shirts to reveal his chest.
— Ryan
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Not only that, Ryan, but he brought along the Class of 2012 from the economics department at Michigan State as his personal cheering squad. Ubiquitous Red Cup even stopped by to check it out.
Poor Red Dress Hott. Sadly, she has chosen the ‘bag path, and Bleeth will begin to set in shortly.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009Caption This Pic
Dudes look!! There goes my future employment prospects and last vestiges of self respect!!
The Doughy Boatbag
Other than a touch of the Fratbag, this guy really isn’t doing anything too mockworthy.
It is, however, making me want to cry out in a gutteral gasp for the suckle thighs to spank me with a ruler and send me to bed without porridge.
That’s it. Way too early to see boobies like that.
I need a coffee.
Monday, March 9, 2009Scrotellites
What’s a “scrotellite” you ask?
Similar to a satellite in the sky, scrotellites fall into immediate orbit when presented with the pull of a nearby lady.
To wit in the picture to the left: Note the five scrotellites orbiting two heavenly solar bodies.
Monday, March 9, 2009Tag These ‘Bags
With Arafat scarf, British beach tent hat, matching underwear and the Jenny Sisters on either side, I’m having a hard time tagging these two ‘bags.
Pooistinian Liberation Organization?
Underpoos?
Brobro Boxer?
Help me out with your best ‘bag tag in the comments thread.
EDIT: The Winners:
Quadra-wienie-a — Frodouche Baggins (3rd place)
the Gaza Strip tease — Rubbery Gaping Butthole (2nd place)
United Colors of Bagetton — blair (1st place)
Tag These 'Bags
With Arafat scarf, British beach tent hat, matching underwear and the Jenny Sisters on either side, I’m having a hard time tagging these two ‘bags.
Pooistinian Liberation Organization?
Underpoos?
Brobro Boxer?
Help me out with your best ‘bag tag in the comments thread.
EDIT: The Winners:
Quadra-wienie-a — Frodouche Baggins (3rd place)
the Gaza Strip tease — Rubbery Gaping Butthole (2nd place)
United Colors of Bagetton — blair (1st place)
Vinnie Spike
When not busy mugging a tasty URC holding hott, Vinnie Spike knows who he’s voting for in the Monthly.
Do you?
Monday, March 9, 2009HCwDB of the Month
I’ve made an executive decision.
Poo, as genius as he is, just ain’t a legitimate HCwDB pic. Tanning Bronzer and freakish clownishness, as spectacularly genius as they are, just aren’t the true spirit of ‘bag. Plus, no hott. As such, I’ve bumped his fecal cartoonish presence to a well deserved place in the Hall of Scrote and let last week’s Runner Up, the more than worthy Flame Broiler and Candy Girl, take his place in the Monthly.
If you want more Poo, he’s enshrined. But for the Monthly, here’s your four cuts of hott/scrote:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Flame Broiler
F.B.B. and Candy Girl are classic girl-next-door and Orange can of Ass Soda.
And you don’t want to crack a can of Ass Soda. Unless it’s with a stick. To the flame broiled fast food hair.
Sure, she’s a tad too thin, and he’s more KFC than Whopperbag.
But together, they form the unholy dialectics that Jacques Derrida describes as “The WTF principle.”
Also factor in the camo t-shirt, excessive bling and the rare “matching wristdanna” combo, and this couple is all sorts of deserving wrongness.
Not sure what’s up with the 40s of Colt 45, though.
Alls I know is they add the right touch of class to make this a Monthly finalist. And by class, I mean ass. Because they rhyme.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Crimson Ted
As Denzel Washington said in the movie version of “Crimson Ted”: In my humble opinion, in the non-douchular world, the true enemy is fake-tanning itself.
Yes.
Yes it is, Denzel.
Boozy blonde models and a series of Crimson Ted pics make his entry into the pantheon a worthwhile attempt indeed.
The “point.” The black sweater-vest. And his other appearances here, here, here and here.
All lead to a worthy HCwDB smackfest.
And yes, I see all four of your legs, bottle blondes. I would gnaw like chicken bone.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Rusty the Frill Necked Lizard
Rusty is the classic Vegas Specatcle.
The dude who can’t decide what form of punk aesthetic he wants to coopt, so he coopts them all in some hazy mish-mash of signification.
Stupid levitating glasses.
Punchy douche-face.
And the Bleethed out, skinny, Vegas Trampy Hott on his arm.
She is Lotus Flower.
He is Dragonbag.
Together, they make tight pants.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: 2009: An Orange Odyssey, aka Orange Jeter and Cynthia
For classic Jerz Scrote and sexy tiny dancer hott, Orange Jeter and Cynthia prove that 2009 is the “Year of the Orange.”
Casually flipping off the camera with hoodie pulled high, O.J. makes me want to kick the crap out of at least two of the Golden Girls.
Because Betty White needs a serious ass kicking.
Cynthia makes me dream of blue birds, sunrises and boobie suckle, in spite of her double hand gesture.
And O.J. needs Martha Dunstock to sit on his head until Big Fun plays the prom.
So them’s your three.
Whether you’re pro-Poo or anti-Poo, you have to admit that these four pics, each in their own unique way, exhibit all the elements of our cultural crisis.
Which one will win? Orange Jeter and the luciously perky Cynthia? Or the Vegas abomination of Rusty and Lotus Flower? Or will the Flame Broiler and Candy Girl, cast into the shadow by Poo, finally gain recognition? Or is this Crimson Ted and the Lounge Hotts time to shine?
That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
