Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

Pouty Svetlana,
Meets crimsony Hardy Bag,
Who’s smelly like borscht.

Little white booger
Makes pilgrimage to pucker
Attains douche mecca.

— Crucial Head

he knows the owner
Yasir tries hard to impress
a rotten fruit bowl

— Dimples

Wristwatch so big
Tells time in Mumbai. It’s time
To eat cyanide.

— massengill

new jersey gothic
steadfast douchebag values. an
ed hardy blowout

— Euripidouche

Chris Audigier –
Please impregnate your t-shirts
With smallpox virus.

— boatbutter

Why should I haiku?
Should be looking for a job
Economy sucks

— Anonymous

Moe’s Faux Finds Love

Good for Moe.

Even with a shiny Mark-of-the-‘Bag on his forehead and a ridiculous frosted faux, he’s still managing to hand-lock a Tri-Kappa-Beta Cutie.

And by good for Moe, I mean bad for civilization. Even the bird on your shirt does not like the cheesy retro-60s love beads, Moe.

Now wash out that mountain-head before Richard Dreyfus shows up to meet the aliens.

Moe's Faux Finds Love

Good for Moe.

Even with a shiny Mark-of-the-‘Bag on his forehead and a ridiculous frosted faux, he’s still managing to hand-lock a Tri-Kappa-Beta Cutie.

And by good for Moe, I mean bad for civilization. Even the bird on your shirt does not like the cheesy retro-60s love beads, Moe.

Now wash out that mountain-head before Richard Dreyfus shows up to meet the aliens.

Kal Owns Clarissa

Yes, Kal. You own her. She is your property.

I understand that by your tight, painful headlock around the Shoulder Suckle’s neck.

And your menacing stare and finger gesture that says, “Miiiine!”

Too bad her eyes say, “I’ll leave him as soon as he lets go.”

And she will, Kal. Because you smell like Old Spice and sneakers.

Caption This Pic

Pete’s plan to impress Vanessa with an intermingling of ancient Chinese dragons and NFL pro football franchises tattooed on his chest was off to a rousing start.

Faux Eyes

PIC DELETED

Not since Georges Franju’s 1960 classic surrealist horror masterpiece, Eyes Without a Face, have I been so disturbed by a creepy mug.

Well, at least, not since Poo won the Weekly.

Faux Eyes’s creepy gaze is almost enough to distract me from my desire to lightly drizzle sweet-n-sour sauce on Lauren’s shoulder, then graze like a sedated Emu.

Almost. But not quite.

Lucy Braza Sleeps With the Fishes

I knew I shouldn’t have left Fredo in charge of the Club Cabana.

Swoopy’s Scarf

Sunken cheeks. Ridiculous Hair. Douche-face. Flipping off camera.

None of these are why we mock Swoopy as he arm-hooks two Long Island Iced Teas in inverted ‘bag sandwich formation.

We mock because he wears the Douche-Scarf.

Like Ed Hardy and Orangeness, The Douche Scarf is the third troubling development in douchal hierarchy in 2009.

And so we kick his pale ass with a pool cue.

And buy Michelle a Gin and Tonica.

Swoopy's Scarf

Sunken cheeks. Ridiculous Hair. Douche-face. Flipping off camera.

None of these are why we mock Swoopy as he arm-hooks two Long Island Iced Teas in inverted ‘bag sandwich formation.

We mock because he wears the Douche-Scarf.

Like Ed Hardy and Orangeness, The Douche Scarf is the third troubling development in douchal hierarchy in 2009.

And so we kick his pale ass with a pool cue.

And buy Michelle a Gin and Tonica.

Ask DB1: Is Orange Healthy?

Vagetarian writes in:

—-
DB1-

-Vagetarian
—-

You have an intriguing premise, Vag. However, statistics suggest that your theory may be more outlier than significant sample-size. For if Orangebaggery were tied to vegetable consumption, we would see a marked rise in Hippiebags on the site.

The fact that most Orangebags tend to come from toxic wastelands like Long Island, Staten Island and the Dirty Jerz, suggests the infection is more poo-based than vitamin based.