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Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Rachel Tags an Orange Cactus
Rachel writes in with a Cactus Tag:
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So, apparently some of my girls hang with a couple of ssseerious douchebags. Since they’re my friends I have to stop myself from mocking these guys in front of them, but it is REALLY difficult with people so gross and ridiculous looking.
Anyway, figure I’d get the intense urge to laugh in their faces out of my system by submitting them here.
– rachel
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And so you’ve taken the proper step towards dedouchification, Rachel. By placing those you know who cohabitate with Orange Cactus Creatures in a public forum. Where we can help them. By mocking them.
In this case, this terminal Stage-4 Orange Cactus mugging your two cute friends earns you bonus points on the tag, Rachel. It’s like a novice fisherman hooking a 20 pound Bass on their first fishing trip. Excellent work.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009Brosecki!!
Bra!! What’s with the freaky deaky muscle dude and that scary chicka winning an HCwDB of the Week?? That ain’t douche with hottness, broheim!!
Can Poo put a Stella Box on his head while gesturing at an annoyed Quartasian, Brosky??
I think not, Brosephus.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Poo
As much as I thought about disqualifying Poo on the basis of pro-muscle douchery, and a lack of “HC” as part of “HCwDB,” since hottie/douchey dialectics require us to find meaning between the polarities, there are moments when iconoclastic douchebaggery rises to the top purely on the genius of its poo.
Poo is that moment.
Think The Prompas. Or Mooby Dick. Or, on the HC side, Stonebag’s Hott. The voters explain:
Cokebeard: even though i want to tongue tickle ScroTep’s hott until the next ice age and thinks Poo’s “hott” is second coming of Venus De Milo (is positive the bulge is a can of chew),… Poo’s douchatude outshines the rest like a supernova over the camera flash that takes drooling pics of Boobie Suckle Thigh.
Dunkterdouche: Is there any doubt? You can flush him down, but he keeps coming back. Poo FTW!
Anonymous: Poo FTW! The pic doesn’t qualify as a HCwDB pic, but it is so brain-meltingly revolting that it cannot be disqualified from the weekly. In the immortal words of M. Brando: The horror… The… HORROR…
Rookie: For the fact that the very first glimpse of his image made me want to vomit…Poo.
AV: Poo FTW, but if he does win, please block out his face in the next posting, DB1. It freaks me out.
DarkSock: He has so much self tanner than it’s settled in his beard pores, making him look like a Homer Simpson with the flesh and blubber flayed off of him with a weed eater. If only for that reason: Vote For Poo. Poo. FTW. (For The Wipe).
TheReverendDoom: Poo FTW! he’s everything you don’t want to be and less. I’ve never been more revolted by a scrote in my life.
And so it is, Poo takes the prize through sheer bronze outrage and scary, creepy face. But Poo’s victory was by no means a landslide, and I agree with many of the HCwDB regulars who argued that the dialectics of hottie/douchey meaning found in Poo are simply poor. Anonymous explains it best:
I’m afraid that the veritable poo-slide of votes will likely dilute what it means to be a douchebag.
I too am agape before “Poo’s” self-afflicted condition but my revulsion is more akin to that felt when perusing a medical journal for ancient skin diseases from far away lands than in the contemporary revulsion in the mediocre denizens of the douchebag sub-species which has been so ably practiced on this site.
Punching “Poo” would be like punching a retard or someone with a horrible rash, which is sad, because a douchebag must be (IMO above all) punch-worthy.
ScroTep shows too much originality to be a douchebag. Douchebags don’t invent applications of eye-liner or hand-sockings, a douchebag blindly follows.
And in this “The Flame Broiler” is a perfect example. He is perfectly mediocre in every way, copies the douchebag caricature but is incapable of improving upon it. His droopy eyes seem to beg “I’m orange, I have the shirt, the malt-liquor, the belt the hott… Don’t you think I’m cool ?” Completely punch-worthy, completely mediocre, complete douchebag, and yet somehow for some yet inexplicable reason he has the hott.
Well argued, Anony. And others made the case for both Flame Broiler and ScroTep:
Archidouchies: ScroTep for the win because I would swim naked through a pool of razor blades to sniff the trash bag she throws her old underwear in.
Lyndon Ladouche: Scro Tep FTW. His hott has the boobies that would launch a thousand ships. And by ships I mean spurts of semen. And he is wearing guyliner. Enough said.
Dr. Douchebag: The Flame Broiler and Candy Girl. This one was easy. I always just ask myself…’which one do I want to punch the most?’ – ‘Who is the most orange?’ – ‘Who is wearing a wristband?’ – ‘Whose babe should be assuming the position in front of me now’. Usually the answer to the last one is “All” but not this week. The rest are easily The Flame Broiler.
Captain Bringdown: I say, stand up for decency and stern morality by voting with me for sweet luscious Betty Boobies and the mummification of one Mr. ScroTep. For Betty is so hott that the undead spontaneously combust in her presence, and ScroTep is such a loser that the mummies of Tutankhamun and Akhenaten were both discovered in their vaults performing a facepalm. ScroTep: mock like an Egyptian.
But the everpresent Anonymous makes the case for why Poo takes the HCwDB of the Week and earns the last slot in Monday’s Monthly:
I have to give it to Poo. His image will haunt my nightmares for eternity.
Chalk up a spot for Poo in the Monthly, and let the arguments commence about the relative hottness of Pooette.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009Robbie Brings the Class
For Robbie, the plan was simple.
Take his date out to a classy hotel bar.
Order her the finest of champagnes.
Compliment her on her lovely dress, and make small talk over the ambient piano music being played by Carlos on the mini-grande Steinway in the corner.
Then headlock her and lick her chin, while flipping off the camera.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009The Swirlwind is not The Metaphysical Hooligan
Reader Michelle writes in from Vegas to correct the record.
Michelle notes that last week’s The Swirlwind is not, in fact, The Metaphysical Hooligan:
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DB1-
I know both of those guys personally. swirlwind goes by Tony Hollywood,I know him a lil too well,def more than I would like to. He actually use to be one of my roommates. I actually thought he was a cool guy before we became roommates. But when u live with someone you see a side of them that you never saw before. Totally changed my opinion about him. And no I never dated him nor would I ever want to. Plus he has a girlfriend that he has been with for over three years that he is completely in love with. Those could possibly be her legs u see on the right standing up. or this pic was taken one of the times that they broke up.
But anyway the Metaphysical Hooligans name is Tony as well. I know him because he dated one of my friends for not even a few weeks,def. a douchebag,he didnt go away after that because he was friends with a lot of the people I knew in Vegas n L.A. These guys know each other too. either friends or or have mutual friends.sorry for any typos I’m doing this from my phone
– Michelle
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Like most outbreaks, it should be unsurprising to the experienced ‘bag hunter that such similarity of choad ends up cohabitating in proximity. Thanks for the ‘tag, Michelle. Now send bikini pics.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009The Boat, The ‘Bags, The Bikini Hotts, and Ubiquitous Red Cups
One of the lesser known C.S. Lewis novels in action.
The Boat, The 'Bags, The Bikini Hotts, and Ubiquitous Red Cups
One of the lesser known C.S. Lewis novels in action.
DJ Bello Gives You A Tour of His House
Check it.
He’s got an Italian flag and pictures on the wall.
And a Time Square poster right here. Sixty dollars at Ikea.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009Everyone Doen’t Love Raymond
Ever wonder what would happen if noted VH1 choadscrote, “Mystery,” was genetically interspliced with TV’s Ray Romano, and decided to cuddle up with a Quartasian making the international hand signal for Potassium?
Yeah.
Me neither.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009Everyone Doen't Love Raymond
Ever wonder what would happen if noted VH1 choadscrote, “Mystery,” was genetically interspliced with TV’s Ray Romano, and decided to cuddle up with a Quartasian making the international hand signal for Potassium?
Yeah.
Me neither.
