Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Muscle Brothers

We haven’t featured a classic ‘Bag Sandwich formation in a long time.

That age-old formation in which a tasty slice of hott gets crushed between two walking turd blossoms of loaf.

Note Hal and Val, The Muscle Brothers. One makes “Kissy Lips” while the other rocks the “chin-strip and Faux.”

And the hott middle is a tasty little cotton ball.

Tender Julie. She’s Aloha goodness. And I would most certainly pretend to care when she tells me about how adorable her pet schnauzer, “Oopie,” is.

Then I would buy her another Appletini.

The Hipsterbag

Here’s another example of the Hipsterbag, dressed up in retro zoot-suit and sporting the Emo Hair.

Normally this Hipsterbag wouldn’t be annoying enough to run on the site. Other than the stupidhair, he’s not really doing that much in the way of douche.

But oh, how I love the Overbite Hotts.

I would gnaw on each of their upper throat areas with light but stable pressure until the Monsoons came and washed away the desert sands, forcing us to cower naked by candlelight whilst I massaged each of their toesies with burnt salve recovered during the mining expeditions in outer Pradesh. Then we would engage in coitus. And then watch Battlestar on TiVo in awkward silence.

Orange Tard

Orange Tard knows who he’s voting for in the Weekly.

Do you?

HCwDB of the Week

Here it is. The final Weekly in what’s shaping up to be a very tough HCwDB of the Month next week. Who will join Orange Jeter and Tiny Cynthia, Rusty The Frill Necked Lizard and Crimson Ted as our final hottie/douchey couple in next week’s Monthly?

That, my fellow alcoholics and cleavite lovers, is up to you. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Flame Broiler and Candy Girl

Candy Girl is everything real about Girl-Next-Door hott and should be appreciated as such.

The Flame Broiler is one ginormous piece of fast food burger poo.

Together, they make a supersized hamburgler of fast food consumption in the age of disposable product and assembly-line packaging.

F.B. brings multiple areas of mock, from Jesus Bling to Orangeness, to Mark-of-the-‘Bag on the forehead. Factor in the 40s and the Flame Hair, and it’s all sorts of mockable wrongness.

I would Whopper Candy’s McFlurries while French Frying her McNuggets while, uhm, eating at a Wendy’s in the greater tri-state area.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: ScroTep

Halloween or not (and I’m not convinced that it is), ScroTep is one of the most toxic combinations of a Boobie Suckle Thigh and BizarroBag we’ve seen in recent weeks.

ScroTep beings a number of genius ‘bag innovations.

The “Stocking on Arm.” The “Egyptian Guyliner.”

And most punchworthy of all, the embracy of a Suckle Thigh of tremendous, Gods Awakening, glory glory hallelujah, Boobie Hottieness.

Bonus Points for this Pic: Ubiquitous Red Cup, watching stoically.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Poo

I struggled mightily about including Poo in the Weekly.

And be struggled, I mean retched. And by mightily, I mean brown. At first, I said no. Poo should not be included in the Weekly.

For despite being a spectacle that shreds all of our psyches, that makes us shudder, feel cold, and rock in fetal position for an hour, there is no hott to counterbalance the poo-stain.

Also, the bodybuilding nature of the tanning creme makes it more of a job hazard than true douche.

But then I looked at this pic again. And shouted “POOOOO!!!” And punched a starving, mute, Liberian orphan in the upper stomach area, forcing him to cry out for the mother he never knew.

So Poo is our third, and final, entry.

Honorable mention to Night of the Living Hardys, my initial choice for this slot (before I reneged, and went Poo).

Meanwhile, in keeping with the inability for your narrator, The DB1, to process 2008 HCwDB of the Year winning couple, The Metaphysical Hooligan and Carly Hott’s existence, it appears that last week’s entry, The Swirlwind, was yet the latest covert appearance of this powerhouse of douchosity. So The Hooligan and Carly are exempt from the Weekly as well. (although NCSI-DB experts, feel free to email me if this is incorrect)

So thems are your three, and all are strong contenders. Which hottie/scrotey coupling will win?

That, fellow ‘bag mockers, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Russell Brand

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Hello DB1,

Wondering if you had any good pictures of rising douchewanker Russell Brand.

A British comedian that looks like the spawn of a known scrote Mystery from that reality TV show. He’s like the Dane Cook of the UK to be exact. Well it looks like Comedy Central is giving him his own Comedy Central Presents. Least to say I’m already annoyed by his post-baroque hair style and series of unfunny quips. I’d like to hear your wise commentary on this one particular douche.

Thanks,
Jeff
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Much like puds Dane Cook and John Mayer, Russell Brand attempts to use a sly self-knowing ironic framework with which to justify the authentobaggery at work at his core.

This is no excuse.

The primping, preening invocation of 19th Century British “Dandy” culture enrages both Benjamin Disraeli and Oscar Wilde. It is nostalgia repurposed as originality under guise of danger, yet it is none of the three. Attempts to use a humor framework to justify the “game” is simply another game, and is to be denounced as such.

Even worse, Brand spends many interviews talking about how many women he bangs, then undercuts the bravado by framing it as a form of “shtick,” in reference to his screwed up childhood. Using biographical trauma as justification for a desire to get laid? Even worse.

If you want to get laid, get laid, Brandbag. Just don’t annoy the rest of us with your compulsive neediness, then perform like it’s all an “act.” It’s not. You’re turtle feed in the aquarium of Hollywood mirror culture. Yet neither Cuff nor Link want to consume you. So slowly dissolve in the water by the marbles.