Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The O Face

An anonymous reader in Vegas snapped this candid pic over the weekend, reminding us that while culture may change, Orange is forever.

As to the boobies, her dress is held on by a combination of magic leprechauns and spittle.

With or Without Poo

It’s bad enough that you’re busting a wristdanna while mugging my brunette “Sharon Stone in Casino” future ex-wife, Bonobag.

Must you further outline your ass-chin with facial pubes?

It tasks me, Bonobag.

Now run through your greatest hits while pretending you’re enjoying this show more than the other 3,000 you’ve played.

Hathaway and Valenguido Part II

Hathaway and Oompa Valenguido know who they’re voting for in the Monthly.

Do you?

But the next question is: Does the orange rub off like Cheetos mix?

HCwDB of the Month

Here it is. It is here. Four slices of hott/douche meaning to be parsed. Four couplings of noteworthy societal rot.

But which contains the proper alchemy of taint and taut to rise to the top and call itself “HCwDB of the Month”? That, fellow ‘bag smackers, is up to you.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Primitive Marsupials

Hopping along the back roads of Vegas like an Australian digerati, the ‘Supials are all that is rotten about evolutionary flaw.

Tatted up chaos.

Hat tilt.

Stupid hair.

LeBron James warmup pantsuits. The ‘Supials are uberspew.

As to the hotts, make sure to click on this pic to enlarge.

And by enlarge, I mean boobies. Pink bikinis may be artificially inflated, but there is nothing artificial about my theoretical gnawing on their ankles.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Doughboy and Gidget

Another in the Southern Rock Dude Who Looks Like That Guy Who Died in the Band “Sublime” Douche, Doughboy is smirky low-rent poo.

Gidget is retro-hott. 1950s bazooms.

I just saw Bud White and Ed Exley run by in the background, trying to figure out if Pierce Patchett was recruiting Gidget for his Fleur-de-Lis hookers cut to look like movie stars.

Whatever you desire.

Have you had your benediction, boyo?

Yeah, I’m just gonna keep doing L.A. Confidential dialogue until I get to the next slot.

And here it is:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Purple Lips and Carmen

Gaybaggery?

Not so fast.

Purple Lips has too many clashing and atrocious stylings to simply be dismissed as the flamboyant gaybag who poses no legitimate threat to the hott.

Not to mention the Doggie ‘Bag maneuver.

And that fetid douche-scarf that makes me want to punch a koala in the nads.

Carmen is all sorts of coquettish hair extensions slutty hott tastiness.

She is good and bad. Like sweet and sour.

Like rain, on your wedding day.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #4: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia

The only Monthly finalist to feature multiple award winning pics of uberscrotery, seen here, here and here, CMcJ and The Latina Princess are a heavy favorite to take the Monthly and book a slot in the yearly.

The factors are overwhelming. Guyliner. Tight t-shirts. Macho ‘tude. Chinstraps. Frosted tips.

And Leia counterpoints with sultry Latina R2 battleplans storing sci-fi hottness.

So yes, it appears to be a Crosshair McJ landslide of douche/hott for the victory.

But we’ve seen “sure things” lose before (Kettlehead). Does CrossHair and Leia have what it takes? Or will one of the other couplings knock them off?

I need your vote.

Vote for the HCwDB of the Month, as always, in the comments thread.

Happy Easter from the Pointer Bros!

The Pointer Bros. say “wuddup?”

Yeah, I didn’t have a better Easter pic.

I thought about rerunning this Samurai Scrote pic, but I have a policy never to go to the reruns.

So this is what ya get. Happy eggs!

Cavedouche

It hurts when my love for goofy claymation runs into conflict with my contempt for douche products. I still condemn Lynx for perpetuating systems of cultural capital designed to exploit sexuality for profit, but the spot was kinda fun.

Kissy Lips Saturday

No, he’s not “really sweet if you get to know him,” Adrianna.

He’s a squirtsack.

Ask DB1: Douchey Weddings

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DB1-

🙂 Marion Hornrim
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Here ya go, Marion.

Please don’t get regurg on your monitor.

EDIT: Responding to the Douchey Wedding post, reader CeeJee submits the following contender.

Ich Bin Ein Deutschbag

Who knew that Chuggo’s skull cane was actually a Germanic Deutschbag with his own “rapping” career?

Look for the tasty Fraulein Nurse ready to inspect the purity of my colon at 1:07.

Friday Thoughts and Links

It’s Friday, and your humble narrator is lounging in his cabana and feeding the koi in his koi pond bread crumbs and alka seltzer.

The porch has been cleared of all slugs. The alpacas have been milked.

The parsley, sage and rosemary have grown in nicely in the garden. But not the thyme. Stupid thyme. It keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping. Into the future.

Another successful week mocking the choad and looking at gnaw-worthy hotts along the ride.

No great thoughts today. Except that blueberries are better than strawberries. We all know it. Somebody just had to say it.

Here’s your links:

The Let It Douche Tour, 2009!! Scroting soon at a city near you.

Mr. Internet Show covers HCwDB. And reaches an epiphany.

Papi Shank is what scientists term “Superpoo.”

Crazy teens go on Axe Bodyspray Fire Rampage! “Arson Experts Warn Kids Are Increasingly Turning Aerosol Cologne Into Flamethrowers.” If you count torching our societal expectations, it’s been going on for years, ABC.

It’s Shite Bein’ Scottish!! (warning: ubergay douchebaggery at work)

Last week’s Banana Daiquiri Lemon Drop is indeed Lemon Drop Hott. Yet still hangs with douches.

Where’s ‘Bag Bats Maru? Somewhere in this rank out-of-tune pile of douche-noise, I’ve carefully hidden HCwDB legend, ‘Bag Bats Maru. Look closely. (hint: 2 minutes in)

Future HCwDB of the Month winner in 2027, Little Henry’s on the dance floor.

I can make no logical sense out of this clown’s website, My Life in LA. Alls I smell is taint.

And finally, because you made it through the week, here’s your Friday Ass Pear, volleyball style.