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Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where's Hoverbag?
Somewhere in this pic of two sorority sisters with suckleable legs getting their Vegas on, I’ve carefully hidden an awkward, creepy, Jesus tatted Hoverbag.
Look closely.
Can you ignore him?
Thursday, April 9, 2009Reader Mail: Defending Dane Cook
Last year I gave a detailed explanation why legendary something-or-other, Dane Cook, is a huge bag of douche. Today, “Uhhuh” writes in to defend this misunderstood thespian:
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Hello douchebag1… or may i please refer to you as DB? DB is good, yes? Great =)
I’m simply writing on behalf of the defense for Dane Cook, as I am sure I’m not the first, but I am also sure that I’m not your average “frat boy” and/or “media hungry moron”.
Now… “Here is a media concocted pseudo-comedian with less talent than a stuttering Screech and whiter teeth than Tony Robbins bursting onto the scene in one giant toxic swirl of unfunny. Then, in no time, amplifying from 0 to 60 up the multimedia stratus of accomplishment in a blazing hail of lame frat jokes and physical hand gestures.“
Media concocted pseudo-comedian? Amplifying from zero to sixty in no time? Dane Cook started doing stand-up in Boston around ’95, thats nearly fifteen years ago, mostly at The Laugh Factory. Epic structure for comedians of all kind. In ’98 he finally caught a break and made it onto a Premium Blend episode. I remember watching it as a child and laughing my f@cking ass off. Its called physical comedy, bud. Look into it.
“We were told we liked him. We were told other people liked him. Which meant we must like him, too. Because they liked him. And they are we.“
Actually most people jumped on the Dane Cook bandwagon far before all the media appearances and headline shit. It was a little cd called “Harmful If Swallowed”. Did everyone get with it. No. Thats not what I’m saying. But that cd is what started it… what caught media attention… which caught HBO… Ya know why? B/c its fucking funny.
“Only unlike the organic and legit accomplishment of, say, the talented Steve Carrell, who actually earned his place at the top by being funny, Cook’s force-fed limelight down all of our collective throats has caused the collective regurgitating response. The clarion call to focus all this noise around something, anything real: A begging we are all making of his sorry, generic ass: DO SOMETHING REAL. Say something authentic. Express a genuine emotion. Have an opinion. Offer a joke that actually might piss someone off.“
Ya know, I hate to burst your bubble junior, but comedy isnt about pissing people off or offending anyone. Its about telling jokes, dumbass. Don’t get me wrong though. I absolutely love f@cked up offensive shit. But what Dane does is tell uber funny stories, with strangely enunciated words, with terrific physical comedy thrown in.
“No, what makes Dane Cook a huge douche is his carefully softened ‘injury free’ safe ride of genericism. His media constructed ‘regular guy’ persona. His genericized jokes of pure pablum, meant to vaguely invoke nostalgic memories of your drunk college best friend while carefully designed to offend absolutely no one.“
Genericized jokes?!?! You’re kidding, right? Have you ever heard “someone shit on the coats”?! haha yeah… real generic stuff. Better yet, have you even watched a Dane Cook stand up?
Dude… I’m out. You’re an Idiot. And you dont know jack about Stand-up.
— UhHuh
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I stand corrected. “Someone shit on the coats” evokes the deep cultural critique and paradigm shifting humor of Pryor by way of Carlin by way of Bruce via Any Kaufman’s colon.
I will agree that Cook is more of a benign douche. Utterly vacuous, but not evil. I don’t think he means any harm, even as he shreds our culture with his fratbag genericism. Unless we count this.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009Happy Passover!
Why is this douche different than all other douches?
EDIT: Got a takedown request from the couple in the previous pic, so swapped it out with this here boobie kiss.
Because no Passover seder should be without boobie kiss.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009Ask DB1: The Tipping Point
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Hi DB1,
the pic on your site from March 19th entitled ‘Bag Aura begs the question of the ‘bag tipping point.
It seems that on the surface scrotitude is like pornography. It is sometimes difficult to define but we know it when we see it. But, as you so adroitly point out, there are obvious signs that scream “I am the poobah of douchetown”. However, where is the the tipping point?
– Dan
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The Tipping Point?
Severed torso tatts.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009The Boobs-Next-Door ‘Bag
At first I was gonna give Rico O’Connell a nottaboobs, since the boobs hair isn’t that boobsy, and the boobs-pose isn’t really boobsy at all.
But the tight boobs, the boobs hand gesture, and the boobs aura, all mean at least a stage-2 boobs.
Tits.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009The Boobs-Next-Door 'Bag
At first I was gonna give Rico O’Connell a nottaboobs, since the boobs hair isn’t that boobsy, and the boobs-pose isn’t really boobsy at all.
But the tight boobs, the boobs hand gesture, and the boobs aura, all mean at least a stage-2 boobs.
Tits.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009Wednesday Limerick
There once was a scrote in a band,
Whose ‘tude would expand on command,
He grabbed the sweet meat,
Of a petite little treat,
Ah, screw the limerick narrative, what’s with the hand?
HCwDB of the Week: The Primitive Marsupials
After a solid contest of scrote and boob, it was a strong victory for classic Vegas choad and curvy hott this week in the Weekly. The voters speak:
Chris in ‘Baghdad: I say the prize goes to the Marsupials…simple math and 20/20 vision add up to more douche markers that the competition. Higher math, say calculus, could probably calculate the exponential forces of warp-douche wrought by these scrotebags. Marsupes!
Doctor Douchelittle: Primitive Marsupials FTW. I predict the release of tattoo sleeve shirt reproductions within the next week.
The Donger: TPM – for the fact that pube-hawk and pink bleeth have matching ab tattoos. That and the Balls Deep pants on the other dude. All sorts of wrong here.
Yodadouche: The Marsupials, define douchedom they do.
dbBen: This is the type of life fail that most needs correcting. Society doesn’t need these guys, their music, their attitude, or anything that they deem important. But their RockBand band is TIGHT
Dead End: The Primitive Marsupials FTW, by just a tattooed pectoral muscle.
Anonymous: I vote for the primitive douchewanks. For everything within me screams out at the skidmark hairstyle on the dress-like “boardshorts” wearing douchwanker with his pooey self so close to those perfect orbs, albeit with a pearl necklace around her already. If that weren’t enough the 38 degree hat tilt looks dangerously close to the empty head of another luscious bleeth. I’m to going to cry now as I leave a mark on my toilet that looks much like half of this picture.
Billdouchiest the Wild Swine: The Marsupials, also known as homo habilis. Yes, they are the remnants of that extinct line of humanity, and were the orignal users of Axxxxxe body spray, some 2.3 million years ago.
Douchetros Douchetros Ghali: I want to wipe my ass with that mohawk, and I want to have a few days warning so that I can build up some dingleberries. Front to back, of course. Marsupials FTW
Sin Douchealot: has to be the marsupials FTW. while the shot is generic, the funbags fake, and only one smile in the picture, it’s the best representation of that which we seek to avoid. and, all things considered, isn’t that what the weekly douchies are all about?
Indeed it is, Sir D. And well said, panel. The Marsupials are one of those pics that grows on you. Like a fungus. The more you stare, the more it rankles. Nothing wrong with returning this site to a classic Vegas douche pic.
But the licking of hott Jean Jacket Jerry found support as well:
RAPETIME: This week there is no contest, Jean Jacket Jerry is the “winner”. That he exists is a crime. That he has touched Cheryl is a death-penalty offense. That he likely has profaned her loveliness with his shriveled genitals will send me off to my sleep weeping every night for the rest of my life.
douche springsteen: J-3 and Cheryl for the win. This pic combines the sacred and the profane perhaps like none other on this site. Thats the kind of guy who loves to smell his own balls and has no business being within 10 feet of that goddess. Cheryl, just say the word and I’ll gladly rip his tongue out with a pair of needle nose pliers.
Anonymous: Jean Jacket Jerry FTW! Everything about this douche reminds me of another famous douche, Bon Jovi (circa 1980’s, 1990’s, 2000’s). The jean jacket, the hair, the pose, the white jeans, the chain…. All he needs now is an army of 4 douches to complete his ensemble.
cool hand douche: J3 FTW. didn’t even notice white pants, wallet chain and low cut women’s v-neck shirt before today. cheryl is minxy hippie goodness.
I’m pleased that the non-traditional scrotewankery of Jean Jacket Jerry, and the uberhott of Cheryl, found appreciation. And by appreciation, I mean shoe-in-poo annoyance. And coming in a distant third was the pumped up Greazy-E:
anon Gee Bee: It’s Greazy-E – he’s got just enough d-baggery going – and the contrast with the tiny and tempting Blondie is extra-high-def.
Douche-Bo Baggins: Definitely Greazy-E. Look closely, not only does he have reptillian eyes, it looks like he’s missing a few teeth. He looks like a guinea pig eating extra from the old mini-series “V”.
Greazy-E was ultimately too friendly a ‘bag to really threaten. A kissy-lips and sneer would’ve helped his cause. And his hott is hott, no matter what they say about her thickness. But Todd brings it home:
The Marsupials FTW.
Their attire and tattoos indicate many, many past instances in which they could have, at any point, called time-out on their scrotewankery.
But no, nothing, no resistance at all. Just sitting there in the middle of the street, staring blankly…and thus deserving to be run down by our minivan of collective scorn.
Well said Todd, and props again to another excellent panel. The Marsupials at first appear to be just another Vegas Douche Duo macking on the hotts. But look closer. They are scrote on a level that deserves acknowledgement.
Book the Marsupials and the Vegas Hotts a ticket to the last slot in Monday’s Monthly. It should be a poozy.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009Snake Scarfgen
You’re in a desert.
Your unbelievable teeth meltingly hott blonde is pulling down her pants and offering up her boobs to be head rubbed with forehead grease and chickenfat.
And you’re staring up at the sky, wearing a snake scarf, a giant gold chain, and have a small ferret in your pocket.
You, sir, are a douche.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009Fakebaggery / Not Fakebaggery
Is this fakebaggery dress-up? Or the real deal?
And either way, should we set this Home Depot break room on fire?
