-
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wings McPoint
Wings McPoint? All that’s gone scrote as we turn our bodies into spectacles.
Elle? A perfect drink of hott water.
That straw? A tendril-like expression of my my psyche’s deep desire to curl up in her Holy Cleavite and meditate in deep, pensive repose.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009Ask DB1: The Economic Impact on Scrote/Hott Commingling
—-
DB1 –
Like most people these days, I have seen the troubling news about the economy. However, there is on segment of our population that I was particularly wondering about: Douchebags.
Simply put, with the economic good times coming to a screeching halt, ‘bagging could be seriously affected. Las Vegas, the sun in the scrote universe, is in decline. Wall Street day traders (a highly douchey profession) are seen as villains, and there isn’t enough money around with which to pay for Grey Goose, Ed Hardy gear or obnoxiously large designer sunglasses. As Paul Krugman recently stated, the douchebag lifestyle is, essentially by nature, economically unsustainable.
I can’t help but wonder what is next – does ‘baggery die away? Do dbags turn to wealthy cougars instead of young hotts in order to sustain their lifestyle? Does ‘baggery become more modest (more like hickbags, who are fairly recession-proof). Or does the douching continue, much like the band playing on as the Titanic sank?
-Sir Douche-a-lot
—-
Ah, Grasshopper, while the Douchewanks have become muted by economic recession, the putzitude in presence of suckle neck has hardly gone away.
While we hopefully will never, ever, see affronts like last year’s “Ritchie Bottles and the Wall Street Assclowns”, douche culture is only getting stronger.
If you think our battle is won, you need only look at the plethora of “Ed Hardy” spreading like a garish cultural plague as we speak.
No, sir. Our battle has just begun.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009Jean Jacket Jerry Wants Your Vote
Jean Jacket Jerry has swapped out Cheryl for Tonya, and wants you to vote for him in the HCwDB of the Week.
But will JJJ and Cheryl win?
Or will the Marsupials, or Greazy-E take the crown?
EDIT: Or is that Cheryl? I’m so confused. I need a coffee.
Monday, April 6, 2009The Tampa Bay ‘Bagganeer
Lauren writes in from Tampa:
—-
hola!
i live in the tampa bay area and there is a bar down in south tampa called mc dittons… i refuse to go in there, legit meat market… all you see is tool bags wearing ed hardy shirts that are bedazzled out more hardcore than a five year old child from the 90’s, and a pair of true religion jeans… occasionally a pair of designer sunglasses at night…
these guys are referred to as STD’s…. south tampa douchebags… just thought i’d share.
love love love your site
xoxo-
– lauren
—-
It is shocking to discover that even in places of high culture and historic resonance, like Tampa, Florida, there are douchescrotes at work. And by high culture, I mean strip club mecca. And by historic resonance, I mean fratchoads shouting “Wooo!” in Ybor City next to a plastic kiosk selling iPod accessories.
Monday, April 6, 2009The Tampa Bay 'Bagganeer
Lauren writes in from Tampa:
—-
hola!
i live in the tampa bay area and there is a bar down in south tampa called mc dittons… i refuse to go in there, legit meat market… all you see is tool bags wearing ed hardy shirts that are bedazzled out more hardcore than a five year old child from the 90’s, and a pair of true religion jeans… occasionally a pair of designer sunglasses at night…
these guys are referred to as STD’s…. south tampa douchebags… just thought i’d share.
love love love your site
xoxo-
– lauren
—-
It is shocking to discover that even in places of high culture and historic resonance, like Tampa, Florida, there are douchescrotes at work. And by high culture, I mean strip club mecca. And by historic resonance, I mean fratchoads shouting “Wooo!” in Ybor City next to a plastic kiosk selling iPod accessories.
Monday, April 6, 2009Smashing Blumpkins
Poor Penelope.
All she wanted to do was spend the afternoon in Vegas by the pool. Looking hott and making young men ache with longing in their nanny-poopoos.
Instead she’s getting mugged by the lesser known Grunge-era band, Smashing Blumpkins.
Like the great ZZ Top before them, the two in the front both have douchey facial scruff, while the guy in the back, the drummer, his last name is “Doucheyfacialscruff.”
Ironic, isn’t it.
Monday, April 6, 2009The Von Schlors
Uwe and Utte Von Schlor know who they’re voting for in the Weekly.
Even as the Tripods from War of the Worlds invade their club looking for choadscrotes to use as food.
Have you voted?
Monday, April 6, 2009HCwDB of the Week
The last Weekly before next week’s Monthly douche-off, so lets make it a good one. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Greazy-E
Hard to place Greazy-E on the scrotal scale.
He’s pumped up, greased up, shaved, has a giant mandana, and smug sense of entitlement.
But nothing beyond those signifiers to place him in the uberdouche category.
No kissy lips. No ridiculous facial pubes.
Yet he is douche. We cannot deny it.
Blonde has the arching eyebrows of nordic European aristocracy. I would share a laugh with her quietly over tea and finger foods in the West End, and then retire to the boudoir to dress up in leather and have her lightly paddle my bottom with a golf club while calling me “Guvnah!”
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jean Jacket Jerry and Cheryl
Jean Jacket Jerry is the type of douche we don’t feature as often on the site. The smug hippybag.
The Phish bootleg CD collecting mama’s boy who plays hackeysack and talks about Greenpeace, then perfectly coifs his hair to mack on the granola chicks from nearby Bowdoin.
For that his jean-jacket vest and tongue licking nastiness are to be mocked.
And Cheryl.
Megods, Cheryl. With hint of hippie-boob and 1970s retro hair, yours is the pouty mouth of a thousand summer swans.
You are a New England Clam Chowder delight. That rarest of rare. A gorgeous girl from Boston. And I should know. The lack of hot chicks in Boston is why I left as soon as I turned 18.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Primitive Marsupials
For dancing like kangaroos in the Vegas sun, the Marsupials are classic douche/hott couplings.
Are the hotts skanky? Perhaps.
But their curves are clean enough to cause dreams of moonlit lakes and long necked orchids and sucking on their toesies like a hungover lemur.
The Marsupials bring classic Vegas scroad into the mix. That “Buckcherry” doucheyness that merged with the Jerz Guid to form the global plague.
They are sons of Grieco. And are to be mocked.
(Dis)honorable mention to Phlegm Nation, which I eliminated due to featuring classic HCwDB legend and monthly winner, The Limey. Also to Anti-‘Bag Aura, whose hott freaked too many out (though I disagree), Doucheclowns in the Lot who missed out for the lack of hott, and Your Saturday Fratmunch who just missed in general.
Them’s your three.
Which one will rise (sink) to the top (bottom)?
That’s up to you. Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, April 5, 2009Chuggo
“Your mom’s box smells like a muskrat.”
Chuggo.
Huge slice of sub-Eminem copycat fraudulent poseur wigga douche? Or genius Andy Kaufman-esque performance artist?
Saturday, April 4, 2009Where’s Waldouche?: Sorority Scrum Edition
Somewhere in this scrum of high quality Arizona State level collegiate boobie suckle thigh, I’ve carefully hidden a guidic Waldouche, making the common “‘bag hand gesture with Bud Light” maneuver.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
