Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Xenu Shushes The Crimson Goose

HCwDB of the Week winner Crimson Goose?

HCwDB legend Xenu shushes you.

For even in the presence of less than A-list suckle thigh, Xenu is more douche than you will ever be.

HCwDB of the Week: The Crimson Goose

A surprisingly tight, close and evenly shaved vote this week in the Weekly, and those are not euphemisms for the female hooha. Well, they can be. Just not in this case.

But, in the end, Crimson Jerz Guid and Holy White Triangle were too strong a coupling to overcome. The voters speak:

SaulGoode42: Definitely the Crimson Goose. Anyone who makes the choice to fondle an alcho-phallus and a plastic box instead of her curvy wiggly-piggliness is a full-on pro bagger indeed. And she’s still interested! Indifference, thy name is Guido.

Vinny Scumbaglia: Crimson Goose busts the classic Neanderthalian pose as he contemplates modern technology. LITH flashes the soft cotton triangle. I need go no further, your winning combo ladies and genplemns. CG/LITH FTW

Anonymous: Crimson Goose. He pays too much for tasteless alcohol then texts his friends about it. All the while, he is ignoring the conversation that Angela’s underpants are trying to have with him. Dies irae, dies illa.

David: Crimson Goose, oh Goose. Your orangey, frosty shirt-too-smallisness only adds to the texting and the cuddling of the bottle like a six-month-old with Megan Fox’s breast milk in a crystal decanter. And the denial of the smiley, too-tan bleeth with HWT? unacceptable. Crimson Goose F T W

Anonymous: Crimson Goose because the sad thing, despite all of his douchebaggery he probably still got to bang her that night. That’s the real tragedy.

Steve L.: ALL HAIL THE HOLY WHITE TRIANGLE. even if she is featured in a pic all by herself in a weekly thread, i’d still vote for her on the basis that she’s so naughty that she will eventually hook up with a potent douche virus anyway, thus automatically qualifying her for HCwDB status. she is guilty before proven innocent. and by guilty i mean sexy.

Blight of a Thousand Douches: Crimson Goose FTW. Holy White Triangle cannot be denied.

Douchard Wagner: Crimson Goose FTW. The hair, the shirt-unbutton, the wallpaper, the chain, the… everything. Also, texting while in company is a cancer upon our society and a plague upon our house. If you will, and I will.

Mr. Choad’s Wild Ride: His Goose is cooked for clutching the vodka bottle close to his chest like Linus’s blanket. All the signs are there: mark of the douche? Check. Neck bling? Check. Orange skin? Check. His Hott is begging for attention and he’s texting his buddy, “Bro teh club is bombass WTF” WTF indeed Goose, WTF indeed.

Anonymous: Crimson hands down – the terds appear to be at least partially playing it up, and I question if the chick in DS is PTP. That leave Crimson in a landslide.

Well said, we must give massive (dis)respect to the inane combo texting + Goose Running that C.G. displays while ignoring the boobie rub hott. If that ain’t the raisin d’etre of this site, than I’ll be a dancing Malaysian tree frog. That being said, Deep Scrote and his Texas Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh came in a close second:

Matt: Deep Scrote FTW…the smooth hemisphere of his head above his mandana is a disturbing counterpart to the perfect, smooth hemispheres of her boobs.

Anonymous: Tex’s chin pubes are classic

Phlerbert: Deep Scrote has convinced me that the secession of Texas is actually a good idea.

Anonymous: Deep Scrote is the embodiment of evil in the modern world. He not only gets my vote for the weekly douchebag award, but also my vote for a lifetime of complimentary planned parenthood. Please God, strike from him his Precious Bodily Fluids! Preferably into an all consuming subducton zone!

I don’t know what a “subducton zone” is, but I’m in complete agreement. Deep Scrote deserves a 2009 Douchie Nomination for Douchiest Chin Pube Configuration. That flavor savor was rank. But I agree, the hottie may have been Paid-to-Pose. And the Terds also found strong support:

Electric Douche-aloo: I think I’m gonna have to go with the Terds. I came to my decision after seeing what look like eskimo boots on their feet. Wow.

Anonymous: Tough choice this week but I think I have it figured out. Nothing screams douche louder than wearing a full length, 100% real immitation rat fur coat when it’s 80 degrees out. Sarah’s Terds FTW.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Not only are they wearing fur coats, THEY ARE WEARING UGGS!!! Terds FTW

But in the end it came down to HCwDB basics. And burnt orange texting goose fondlers in the presence of suckle thigh touching herself is a clear Weekly winner. Or as Lulu puts it:

I’m voting for the bookshelf wallpaper. It really classes up sub-basement.

Indeed it does, Lulu. And Deputy Douche brings it home:

Crimson Goose. You know that if he’s around you would not be having a good time.

True that, as the homies say in McDonalds commercials. Book these two a ticket for the Monthly. Crimson Jerz Guid is still mockworthy, and boobie rubbing is always a plus.

Breaking: Ed Hardy Sues Christian Audiger

Okay, this happened back in February. But we’re a little slow and hungover around here, so lets call it breaking news:

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Audiger Sued Over Trademark Clothing Line

The lawsuit said Audigier has not stopped distributing Hardy’s work and claims the contract is still in effect. Hardy wants the court to order Audigier to stop distributing his trademarked work and award damages. An e-mail message left with Audigier’s vice president of sales in the United States was not immediately returned Monday night.
—-

Caption This Pic Tuesday

Sometimes you eat the Mo’, and sometimes the Mo’ eats you.

EDIT: THE WINNERS:

3rd place, Cracked Actor:

Kelly didn’t quite understand the concept of giving “head.”

2nd place, Shamespear the Magnificent:

The experimental beef jerky hair plugs were a success, but Johnny found they did seem to cause the occasional problem at parties.

1st Place, Douchelexic:

A still-frame from one of the death scenes in Saw MCXLLCIIX

Chia Hawk

Chia Hawk makes splash?

Chia Hawk finds love.

You can tell, because Chia Hawk’s hawk remains erect, even in water.

Yeah, she’s not the hottest thing we’ve seen lately, and needs to eat a cheeseburger or four. But I like my little two picture narratives, so I’m going with it.

Arthur Kade as “Guy Who Can’t Act Guy”

Avant-garde art project and afterbirth mistake, Arthur Kade, thespian scroteur, does Gordon Gecko by way of Jerz Douche, all with with a non-working microphone.

No hotts, but one hell of an example of wannabe actor taint.

Arthur Kade as "Guy Who Can't Act Guy"

Avant-garde art project and afterbirth mistake, Arthur Kade, thespian scroteur, does Gordon Gecko by way of Jerz Douche, all with with a non-working microphone.

No hotts, but one hell of an example of wannabe actor taint.

The Urinal Cake ‘Bag

Nothing charms the wholesome Iowa Corn Fed Hotts quite like wearing a urinal cake as ‘bling.

Carol’s got that Terri Garr in Young Frankenstein thing, so I’ll simply shout “Roll in the hay! Roll in the hay!” and go with it.

The Urinal Cake 'Bag

Nothing charms the wholesome Iowa Corn Fed Hotts quite like wearing a urinal cake as ‘bling.

Carol’s got that Terri Garr in Young Frankenstein thing, so I’ll simply shout “Roll in the hay! Roll in the hay!” and go with it.

Jeb, The Backwoods ‘Bag

In the small towns and backwoods of America, they see what’s happening across the nation. And they say to themselves, “Why not here?”

Witness Jebediah.

He doesn’t hve the means to purchase a ridiculous Ed Hardy shirt. Nor sculpt intricate facial pube formations. So what’s a ‘bagling to do when rubbing up on Clarissa, the local hott?

Why, improvise, of course.