Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Caption This Pic: Buttmunch Edition

Perhaps a Saturday Caption This Pic is in order?

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After their plane crashed into the Vegas strip, the Brazilian rugby survivors had to find a way to stay… alive!

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Tony sniffed again. Yes, he was certain. Yesterday’s lunch had been chili.

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As Frank sank his teeth into her right buttock, Allie contemplated particle/wave duality.

Friday Thoughts and Links

What thoughts bubble up in your humble narrator’s mind on this cloudy, smoggy, Los Angeles Friday?

How women in sparkley dresses make my happy pants do the rumba.

How the genius of Was (Not Was)’s Hello Dad I’m in Jail was about ten years ahead of it’s time.

But most importantly, that as we cascade through the visual maelstrom of kinetic life, we often fail to appreciate the hypothetical potentials some call imagination. It’s not all happening in front of the eyes. That’s what we so often forget to remember. Or, even more sadly, remember to forget.

Here’s your links:

First up, Adam Carrolla does an HCwDB-esque riff on his podcast and bernethy sets it to an actual HCwDB photo montage.

You know what the internet needs like another Arthur Kade? Online Booty Call. “Hey girl. You’re hot like snot.”

Ed Hardy moves into ladies’ underwear.

Animated Gator goes viral in People who look the same in every picture meme. Break.com also features a montage of a Bleeth face.

I don’t know who this douche is, but for using the term “living the dream,” among many other aesthetic violations, he slurps toad taint.

Fish Slap’s Girlfriend. Here’s an actual comment left by the Slap: “Hmmmm…..yeauuupp we def had a moment!!! We a perfeeect match…. Ya huurrdddd!!! Misss yewwwww babeeee!!!! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo “

Criss Angel calls Perez Hilton a douche. Irony meter saws itself in half.

Pop!

And finally…

Ass Pear so choice, it gets a French name: Beautiful Ass Pear La Plante.

Fratbags and Collar Pop

In late 2008, we thought we’d successfully beaten back two of the nine douchal signifiers I listed in my book; Hat Tilt and Collar Pop.

Both looked like they had finally bitten the dust as, through negative hott reinforcement, they were driven to the fringe. (Only to be replaced with Orangeness and Ed Hardy, opening two new battles on the front lines, sadly)

Yet here we see Fratbaggery continuing the classic ‘bag trends. While mugging Sophie, the cute coed majoring in Econ.

This is troubling. We have work to do.

Sophie needs our help. And by help I mean mocking the choads. And by needs, I mean more beads in boobs.

The Whale Peepee

Nothing communicates “fertility” to the female quite like wearing giant sunglasses on your head, and a calcified whale penis around your neck.

Friday Haiku

Manuel got paroled,
Nipple pierce scars my psyche,
Sharon paid to pose.

cuddle perky blonde
stabbed in back with Rehab straw
tigress in the sack

— Bag A

Soul patch collects drips
Mandana hides cock’n’balls
Pierced nipple screams “DOUCHE!”

— I am Jack’s greasy mandana

That strain of chin patch
deserves an apt moniker
under-lip Hitler?

— anon Gee Bee

Douchebag looks like Rod.
In first Nightmare on Elm Street.
Tina’s latin dude.

— AV

Caption This Pic

When Mandy joined Kappa Kappa Delta, she soon found out the baddest gangsta on campus was Artie, the neighborhood hairstylist.

EDIT: And the winners…

Third Place — Anonymous: Jamie Kennedy’s last known photo before being put down after going apeshit and holding the stand in’s hostage on set of Malibu’s Mosted Wanted 2: Epic Baggery in the ‘Bu

Second Place — Shamespear the Magnificent: Disney made a horrible mistake when they attempted to make Jamie Kennedy and Thumblina a powercouple.

First Place — jonezy: and on the 14th night of Hannukah, Artie gave Mandy her final gift. Anal.

Deep in the Scrote of Texas (Douche Remix)

The Boobs are Bright, The Douche is Slight… (they’ve got the clap!) deep in the scrote… of Texas…

Skinny Ted Buys a Boat: Gets Hott

So have we drawn an inverse correlation between the size of a douche’s boat and the size of his mandana + hair spike?

She is delectable.

The ratio between boat ownership and bikini hotts is a disturbing one, that merits scientific study in greater depth.

By which I mean me, sitting on my rug, scratching myself and eating Cheez-its.

Reader Mail: Sasha Joins the Cause

Sasha Hott writes in:

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First off let me just say that I love your website and you are hilarious!!

xoxo,
– Sasha
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A hot chick who loves mocking the douche and apologizes for talking too much?

Come to my abode, Sasha. I will ply you with tasty Hostess snack cakes and inexpensively priced fortified wine. Like Thunderbird. And Night Train.

We will run naked through the underbrush, then pass out on a hilltop, gasping for air. We will then sip our libations from red plastic cups and sing barrio torch songs under a golden moon until the Northern Lights cast neon tendrils to take us towards dawn. And then I will awkwardly fondle your toes.

Sandbags

Excuse me ladies, but it appears the group of doucheclowns in the back have dropped a Sandbag on your blanket.

Would you like me to clear it off with some Lysol?