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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Breaking: Arthur Kade Not Content to Just Douche up Philly, Thinks about New York
Internet D.B.-log pioneer Arthur Kade brings the scrotal infection to a theoretical NYC (without leaving Philly):
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If you are young, hip, and want the “best of the best” in Philly, there isn’t that much to do at night.
My friends and I always joke that there are only three night time lounges that cater to the level of our crowd, and it’s amazing that you run into the same people every night, and that it gets tiresome hugging and catching up about the same stuff with the same people. It also limits the ability to meet new girls, because everyone knows me, and the reputation is that I am a player, and no girl wants to not be taken seriously if she isn’t in my league (I am now having girls come up to me offering to break my drought, although no one has been over an 8). This is the reason I am always heading up to NYC, but yesterday with the weather and crew that was out, Philly actually had an NYC feel.
We started with brunch at Rouge (My favorite brunch spot because it has a very up-scale feel and sophisticated crowd) and took over the front section of the block because the staff knows us and wants us visible to the public. We ate, and hung out from 1PM to 10PM, and had an amazing time. Everyone was in great spirits; I had several girls walk by and recognize me, with one tell me “I love your website, don’t listen to the haters, they are all jealous”. We talked for a minute and I could tell they wanted more from me, but I wasn’t interested.
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Don’t listen to the “haters,” A.K. You are a douchal innovator, and like Typhoid, are to be studied in a jar and pressed behind glass under a microscope. By which I mean mocked repeatedly on the internet until you go away.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009Where’s Waldouche?: Ass Pear Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of perfectly formed, A-List top shelf Ass Pear, I’ve carefully hidden a retro 1970s speedo wearing pornbag.
This challenge is particularly difficult, given the quality of Pear. Only the most experienced ‘bag hunters, after they’re done appreciating the Pear, can locate this tool.
Look closely.
Can you find the Waldouche?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009Where's Waldouche?: Ass Pear Edition
Somewhere in this lineup of perfectly formed, A-List top shelf Ass Pear, I’ve carefully hidden a retro 1970s speedo wearing pornbag.
This challenge is particularly difficult, given the quality of Pear. Only the most experienced ‘bag hunters, after they’re done appreciating the Pear, can locate this tool.
Look closely.
Can you find the Waldouche?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009Tampa Michael Bay
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DB1,
As a native Tampanian, or Tampon, It has lamentably come to my attention that Tampa is becoming, or has become, a douche hot spot as you can see from the very recent picture we took over the weekend.
I have been a follower and fan of your website for some time and I have noticed that Tampa and Vegas seems to get quite a bit of attention. The optimistic side of me wants to think that Tampa and Vegas simply has a more attentive and douche-sensitive population and more cameras perhaps than other cities, but the forces of reality are making me realize that Tampa could in fact just be a haven.
I have no explanation and I can provide no logical reasoning. I was hoping you, with your seemingly peerless douche knowledge, could provide some insight and perhaps recommend a way to reclaim our city.
-Cognize Tampanian
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C.T., I can only offer you my detailed and comprehensively developed Tampa Michael Bay Theory, or what I call the T.M.B.T. It goes like this:
Tampa Bay is like Michael Bay.
Both are loud, pointless and go to strip bars.
Q.E.D.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009Crappy Gilmore
If Adam Sandler mated with a bottle of linseed oil, we’d have the shirtbag pictured here.
Poor Juanita.
All she wanted to do was to make new friends at the San Diego State Freshman Mixer. Little did she know she’d be fending off the semi-employed Crappy G, who was just “in the neighborhood” and decided to “drop in.”
Wednesday, April 22, 2009The Provisional Nottadouche
This guy is likely a douche. Sadly, though, there’s not enough visual evidence to convict. A silly face and a slight semi-ass-grab is not enough, and by law, I must issue a provisional nottadouche (until more evidence surfaces).
So why run this pic?
Because Bottle Blonde’s coquettish giggle and sly, shy grin task me to glue sparkles and uncooked macaroni to her upper thigh until I can form a complete mosaic of the Sistine Chapel. At which point I would nibble each macaroni off her thigh, while reciting Dante’s Paradiso in its original Italian. And then I would Marcello her Mastroiannis.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Anchor Chin and Raquel
At first it seemed like the Vegas rocker choadery of Wings McPoint and the beauty of Elle would be a Weekly winner.
But then Raquel beboobsed into the boobs, along with her Wayne Newton douche. The voters speak:
g0dsluvugly: the concept of douche has always entailed the juxtaposition of internal and external components. that being said, Anchor Chin has mastered fully both necessary elements of douchedome. his douche aura is strong. it ruminates in my psyche long long after the collapsing of my browser. his external manifestation of scrote is no less impressive. he has mastered the spectacle of taint in one of its purest forms. and raquel. jesus christ have mercy on my soul for i have lusted after her mammary glands repeatedly. anchor chin ftw.
Gee Forgé: Anchor Chin Boobs McSuppleMountains for the win!!! For scoring pretty damn close to a ten on the head butt/motor boat desirability scale.
Anonymous: Anchor chin. I like the way Raquel is tipping her head so she doesn’t look too much taller than he is.
Azhid: I’ll take boobies for 200, Trebek.
Crucial Head: I am voting for Anchor Chin and Raquel. Simply put, I applaud her applause makers. May she jog right into the Monthly. And by ‘jog,’ I mean trampoline. And by ‘the Monthly,’ I mean the tented lap beneath my desk.
The Observation Specialist: Number 2 should win, because that girl has extremely large boobies.
ike: anchor chin chin ftw. for having the bagdacity of being that close to raquel’s delicious globes of perfectly soft boobs.
Anonymous: Anchor Chin and Raquel for the win. Too much boobies to lust. Too much poo to despise.
siDOUCHous: While all are contenders, Anchor Chin and Raquel are the embodiment of HCWDB. Anchor chin has no redeeming qualities: he isn’t buff, he looks like a tool, and clearly by the facial hair he is a full time douche. A hard profession to maintain in today’s job market. Then there is lovely Raquel, who warms us with her smile and cleavage, making us forget for a split second that people like Anchor Chin exist.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: When it’s time for my physician assisted suicide, I want Dr. Raquel to smother me to death.
Marcel Douchechamp: As much as I want to chain the Bumpkins to the back of my car and drag them over a gravel road, I have to go with Anchor Chin. There’s something about an Adnan Ghalib wannabe that makes me want to… boobies!
Anonymous 3:16: Raquel and AC – do it for the boobies.
Anonymous: Anchor Chin FTW! The Douche/Hott dialectic is in full swing here and there is not denying those BOOBIES!
Excellently argued panel, and it’s clear this is a well deserving weekly winner, partly because this toxic commingling actually feels like a real coupling. Which just makes me sad and blue. Coming in a solid second, Wings McPoint:
Seargent Scrote Stain: What is the true essence of a weekly winner? Is it the wood inducing mammary pillows as shown by Raquel? Or is it the complete and utter rage that burns deep within my soul from so much as glancing at Wings McPoint? Judging by the three dead puppies and smashed computer screen in my immediate vicinity, I would have to say that Wing McPoint gets my vote. Now excuse me, I need to go find some kittens to drown.
Anonymous: Wings McPoint FTW. The glasses, hair, ‘roids, tatts, drink straw placement…it’s a murderer’s row of scrote. This guy should be forced to watch “The View” for the rest of his life as punishment for being such a human skid mark.
The View seems a bit harsh for even the worst douchefender. I thought Wings and Elle had the Weekly in the, well, ‘bag, until Anchor and Raquel came along. Coming in a respectable third place, the Blumpkins:
euripidouche: smashing blumpkins, because in any well regulated universe even a scrawny douchebag who wears pictures of guns and self styles as a hitman wouldn’t get get within 300 yards of a woman.
But the everpresent Anonymous brings it home for Raquel’s boobs and Anchor Chin’s doucheyness:
Raquel. I try to look away, try to get back to my work and life, try to look at other pics on this site, but that cleavite… it is indeed all that is right and just and perfect in this world… it draws you in and warms you and makes you realize that maybe there is a God and He can indeed create perfection.
And then you look at Anchor Chin. You are mad, angry, but thankfully you can only look for a second because Raquel’s swelling calls you back again. Nestle in and vote for Raquel.
And so we did. Perfect sunrise hope of hottness and total tool of douchewankery. That’s an HCwDB winner if I’se ever seen one.
Great work everyone. We’ll see this pair, and I do mean “pair,” again in the Monthly.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009“Tai Che” Pusses Out
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What’s up man–
My friends and I are all actually huge fans of your site–which is why one of them thought it would be a funny prank to submit the “Tai Che” picture of me and my girlfriend.
The picture is admittedly somewhat douchey on the surface, but it is important to note that when we took that picture, we were actually paying tribute to the classic scene from American Psycho in which Christian Bale runs his hands through his hair and flexes his bicep in the mirror whilst plowing that poor hooker.
Hookers aside, my girlfriend is very upset about having our picture on the site, and therefore I am tasked with asking you to remove it, lest I be exiled to the proverbial doghouse. After all, my girlfriend and I are bag hunters ourselves. So, if you would be so kind as to entertain my respectful request that the “Tai Che” picture and all related comments be removed, I would greatly appreciate it, and I might be able to get some of the proverbial nookie this evening. But that’s a seperate issue.
Keep up the good work…
Sincerely,
Mr. & Mrs. Tai Che
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You gain back some mild props only for transitioning from American Psycho hooker references to your girlfriend. But otherwise, not impressive Mr. Tai Che. A ‘Bag Hunter you may be, but as a ‘bag in that picture, you must take your lumps, not run away.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009"Tai Che" Pusses Out
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What’s up man–
My friends and I are all actually huge fans of your site–which is why one of them thought it would be a funny prank to submit the “Tai Che” picture of me and my girlfriend.
The picture is admittedly somewhat douchey on the surface, but it is important to note that when we took that picture, we were actually paying tribute to the classic scene from American Psycho in which Christian Bale runs his hands through his hair and flexes his bicep in the mirror whilst plowing that poor hooker.
Hookers aside, my girlfriend is very upset about having our picture on the site, and therefore I am tasked with asking you to remove it, lest I be exiled to the proverbial doghouse. After all, my girlfriend and I are bag hunters ourselves. So, if you would be so kind as to entertain my respectful request that the “Tai Che” picture and all related comments be removed, I would greatly appreciate it, and I might be able to get some of the proverbial nookie this evening. But that’s a seperate issue.
Keep up the good work…
Sincerely,
Mr. & Mrs. Tai Che
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You gain back some mild props only for transitioning from American Psycho hooker references to your girlfriend. But otherwise, not impressive Mr. Tai Che. A ‘Bag Hunter you may be, but as a ‘bag in that picture, you must take your lumps, not run away.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009Nora’s ‘Bag Tag
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DB1-
Here’s myself and a grade-A douche. In real life this guy is even douchier than this pic: his strange beard that seems to extend more onto his neck than actual face, constant aviators and bandana. And of course; just a hint of his v-neck plunge victoria’s secret shirt in the picture!
XOXO
-Nora
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He looks a little like a dressup ‘bag, Nora. But since you’ve got that Starbuck Karyn Thrace thing working for you, and I’m hot for some Starbuck love, I’m a goin’ with it.
The Aviatorbag is not the worst we’ve seen. A stage 1 or stage 2 Southern Granola Crunch.
As to your plunging neckline and wispy hair-on-neck curl, I would awkwardly discuss the avant-garde at a downtown loft happening over wine until you grew bored and asked to see my driver’s license so you could make fun of my pic. Hah, joke’s on you. My pic is awesome.
