Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

Hark! Bronze need be flushed.
Professional Poobagg’ry,
And overcooked hott.

White “mark of the scrote”
Impervious to fake tan
Douchebag should use jiff

— Justin

Local drama club
Does Commando in blackface
Reviews are not good

— Mr. White

Choad springs out of bed
Leaves imprint on his white sheets:
The Shroud of Turd-in

— DarkSock

Cam’s bikini briefs,
gelled hair, and goofy-ass grin
Turn me bronze with rage.

— HCwDB-NYC

Present-day Midas,
Looks in horror as his touch,
Turns hott to poo-Bleeth.

— Blair

Rachel in the Meat Packing District

All sorts of publishing problems today makes the DB1 break out the Night Train and HoHos early.

I munch on some tasty chemical goodness, and sip some fortified wine from my Ubiquitous Red Cup, and contemplate this pic.

Poor Rachel.

So Bleethed. You can see her petals wilting into douchebaguette under the heat-lamp force of so many flexing Vegas poseurs.

You can also see her boobies.

Ask DB1: Future Shock

Hey, looks like the site’s sorta working again. Here’s an email from Dada:

—-
DB1,

— Dada
—–

I quote the great poets Wang Chung, who once famously sang:

On the edge of oblivion, And all the world is Babylon, And all the love and everyone, A ship of fools sailing on….

This is what I like to call the “Wang Chung Principle.” It states that the party is foolish, and yet it sails onward, regardless of oblivion. The only solution is to “Wang Chung Tonight.” Only twenty years later you wake up and you realize you had a brief moment of fame, but you called your band Wang Chung.

There is nothing we can do to avoid the folly of our youth, except to mock the douche and lust the hott. The rest will happen in due time.

Bozos the Clowns

The Bozos aren’t really uberdouches.

More like Floridian stage-2 Fratbags that wash on shore after a high tide.

As to Lola and Nikki in the middle, their vocal inflections could shred glass and neuter ferrets, but the boobies are firm and supple and could feed an army of hungry infants.

So I will lick each of their belly buttons in gratitude for their fertility.

Ass Pear with Douchebag II

I’m sensing a new genre is emerging in the HCwDB universe.

And by new genre, I mean grabby butt bongo. And by universe, I mean gel-head.

I Punched a Baby Seal

I punched a baby seal in the nose. It was right after seeing this pic.

The Baby Seal said, “Arf.” Sadly. Pensively.

So I apologized to the Baby Seal.

I said, “Baby Seal, I did not mean to strike you. It was not my intent to cause you pain.”

The Baby Seal looked at me with large, expressive eyes.

I continued, “For you see, there is a pic of a hot chick with a douchebag. And it caused me to do things I would not normally do.”

“Arf?” responded the Baby Seal.

So I showed the Baby Seal the pic.

And it punched a kitten in the balls.

Caption This Pic

Coming up next on Survivor: New Jersey!

Having lost the Axmunity Challenge, Tribe Guidamundo will have to vote someone off. To relieve the tension, after two weeks without food, Rachel decides to play butt bongo with Kal and Morty.

Ask DB1: Babybags?

—-
DB1-

– Concerned New Parent
—-

Yes, CNP.

Yes they can.

APwDB

And since we’re coming off a hard fought Monthly, here’s some AssPear with Douchebag to go with your Wednesday morning coffee.

HCwDB of the Month: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia

From the moment this coupling of tasty Latina Orgaana and thespian frosted tipped taint showed up, there was no doubt.

With their run of ancillary pics, here, here and here, not even Lobot could stop this from taking place. The voters speak:

Justin: Crosshair Mc-J wins the monthly and MUST be a favorite for a 2009 douchie. This shiny headed tool has so many of the attributes that we all love to hate/mock, he is almost a fakebag. Yet, he does not jest. Crosshair McJohnson is very, very serious. Leia hott is by far one of the most smokin’ hotts ever to grace this site, and should also be considered for a ‘hall of hott” admittance. Hott, hott, and hott. In addition, hott.

Douchimus Prime: Crosshair by a frosted tip over Purple Lips

Your Average Rocker Douche: Crosshair. He is the douche Architype. Lea, clearly bleeth yet I would still drown an entire class of preschoolers while their parents watched just experience her ‘conversation’ skills.

Lulu: Crosshairs. Because when I see him on “Intervention” in a few seasons (you know it’s coming, he can’t fill that void in his soul with roids, black eyeliner and nail polish forever) I can say, “Hey! That’s the guy I voted for in the monthly!”

Anonymous: Rarely has a monthly been so clear-cut and obvious…Crosshair FTW. The sneer alone is worthy of the crown, and the ever-critical rage factor is through the goddamn roof.

boatbutter: Crosshair & Leia by two challa loaves.

Erin Hottavich: I have to say Crosshair & Leia – only because the ‘Bag reminds me of my ex (before I realized he was, in fact, a douche). She’s almost enough of a bleeth to make me quit my job so I may go forth on a mission to convert her back to a respectable human being… then I realized she is merely a drop in the bucket of sacrificed lamb’s blood. There is no turning back. It’s sad, really. So, I sleep… and pray not to dream of his tatts or her kissy lips… and if I do may I die before I wake.

TheShadowHost: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia. It’s that air of entitlement that seems to ooze out of his forehead, even his hair is trying to escape from it!

It was a slamdunk no-contest victory of poo. But Doughboy’s sag and Gidget’s boobs found support as well. And by support, I mean support:

saulgoode42: Gotta be Doughboy and Gidget. She is wayy too fine for his ordinary ass. I bet five minutes after this picture was taken she left him for a body builder or an architect or something.

portlandouche: I have to vote for Gidget. I don’t care who she’s posing with… I just want more Gidget, and others like her.

Gidget is most definitely some crazed retro pinup fantasy. And the ambiguously purple Purple Lips also found voters:

Emma G: Purple Lips FTW, for he makes my “purple lips” pucker in fear, tighten in revulsion and.. whatever, he is all that is wrong in this world. Orange pooey grossness. Yuck.

Anonymous: Purple Lips. Because he reminds me of Xerxes, and we all know how much of a douche he was.

And the Marsupials limped into Fourth place. Apparently, the Vegas choads don’t rankle like they used to. Maybe we’ve seen too many of them. So I’ll turn it to the everpresent anonymous to make the case:

Crosshair McJohnson because he sucks on a different spectrum than the rest. And that spectrum is poo.

Indeed it is. We’ll see these two in December as yet another strong contender for HCwDB of the Year.