Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Krakenbag

Krakenbags are a lesser known form of aqua douchewankery.

First spotted emerging from the primordial ooze of lower Staten Island, Krakenbags are a recent addition to the Greasus Scroterus species.

Noted for their incredibly thin facial pubes, large poisonous blowout hairstyles, and propensity to disrobe at the mere sight of a camera, Krakenbags are often found swimming in small groups and preying on disaffected NYU sophomores.

Like poor Karen, pictured here.

This’ll teach her dad to pay more attention to her.

Finger Boy

Finger Boy is pissed.

Finger Boy was in the process of Bleething poor Finnish exchange student Svenga (note the collar pop), when he found out Anchor Chin won the monthly.

Finger Boy voted for The Crimson Goose.

HCwDB of the Month: Anchor Chin and Raquel

It was a boobie/douchey smackdown drag out fight for HCwDB supremacy.

But after spirited debate, and spirited spirits, the winner was clear, the winner was unambiguous, and the winner was boobies and douche-chin in cohabitating toxic wrongness.

The voters speak:

Mr. White: Anchor Chin has an anchor sculpted onto this face and the salty douche scowl of a Captain Abag (no relation to the regular of the same name) who’s failed to catch the Great White Whale. Racquel has flawless skin and batshit crazy eyes that say, “You may get to touch my magnificent musk melons, but only if you’re in four-point restraints on the cold, stainless steel butcher’s table in my basement.” And I’m O.K. with that.

Skyler: Anchor Chin and Raquel. One word: Boobies!

Anonymous: Anchor Chin & Raquel, easy. The shaved/waxed chest…the bling…the manicured chin pubes…and the pout, my God the pout. He is absolutely nauseating. I don’t think much needs to be said about Racquel that hasn’t already been said…twice.

Poohsticks: Anchor Chin and Raquel – because the poo is pooey and the boobies are boobie.

Keia: Anchor chin and Raquel win this battle of the D-bags. That pout. Those breasts. It’s the perfect combination of wrongness in V-neck formation.

siDOUCHous: Anchor Chin and Raquel represent everything that HCwDB is about. Raquel is perfect in every which way. The smile warms your heart and your pants, and you’d propose to her on the spot if they didn’t have the restraining order on you already. Anchor Chin represents the juxtaposition: too much flab chest exposed, unnecessary bling, pouty face, douche facial hair, and hair gelled to douche-fection. He is what makes you angry in life. He is why you hate your job, because he delivers your mail in the office, replenishes the water cooler, or pulls your pizza out of the oven and doesn’t give you the discount since you didn’t bring the f*cking coupon.

Gigadouche: Anchor Chin and Raquel FTW. Anchor Chin reminds me of Xenu for some reason. Raquel is one of the most lickable hotts ever seen on this site. Easy choice.

massengill: Chin for the win. No, he’s not wearing a sweater vest, but he’s got a V-neck that plunges down below his sternum. No, he’s not wearing a rosary, but he’s got some kind of f&cked-up Celtic bottle opener or some shit hanging from a shiny chain. He’s got a tough guy stare, carved facial hair and kissy lips. Raquel has melons. And melons. And melons.

baleen: Anchor Chin FTW for a couple of reasons. She’s smiling. He’s not. She has the rack of the century and he has pubic hair on his chin.

Jurassic Douche: Anchor Chin and Raquel. Raquel’s boobs have that “lay your head on my cleavage” look that Rachelle lacks.

Excellent deconstructions, panel. Gold stars all around. Coming in a solid but clear second, The Jerz Orange texting of The Crimson Goose and the ignored hottitude of Holy White Triange:

Aaron A: Crimson Goose FTM. Grey Goose+ Grip of Said Grey Goose x Orange (distributed to the Gel Hair + the unbuttoned)x the multiplicative inverse of texting next to hott + eyes and boobie of hott= Hot Chick With Douchebag of the Month.

Discrete Harm of the Doucheoise: Crimson Goose FTW. He’s a burnt umber cro-magnon whose infatuation with status-symbol firewater and shiny electronic objects blinds him to this sexy future-nurse practitioner displaying unmistakable signs of being in heat. This is like a picture of matter meeting anti-matter at a Long Island nightclub; it should have caused a black hole by now.

euripidouche: crimson goose. this is epic wrongness texting and hugging the almost empty bottle of goose, the wallpaper, the couch that came from a howard johnson’s ultralounge, if such thing existed. the doucheorange,and how do you ignore the dominique swain hott? pleading with the camera for attention, if i stare any longer i am gonna owe child support.

Captain Bringdown: My vote goes to the Crimson Goose, whose dedication to narcissism can permit him to let a spanking hott slinky coed cool her heels while he cradles a needlessly expensive bottle of market-hyped mouthwash and electronically masturbates with his “posse”. The stench of his inflated self-image lingers like the miasma in a Louisiana highway rest stop public toilet.

Anonymous: All of these are–as the name suggests–hot chicks with douchebags. Indeed, some are very hot, and all are very douchey. But only the Crimson Goose provokes an existential crisis. The chick is slutty/innocent-hot; the goose is over-priced; the phone is inexplicable; the wallpaper is, well, it is, er, it is destroying my brain. Attention must be paid.

Anonymous: As much as I love Raquel’s Sweater Meat…and God only knows I do; I have to vote for The Crimson Goose. The glare coming off of his greasy orange forehead is nearly blinding. This in turn makes it difficult to look at the Hott’s Holy White Triangle. Which curiously makes me want to punch a 3 year-old Sudanese war orphan in his yam bag. SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO CRIMSON GOOSE!

I have to say, even though Crimson Goose got less votes, the C.G. voters brought the funny in a serious way. This proves what a tough Monthly it was. So tough, that Waxy McBrow and the Eastern European confusion of Rachelle came in third:

Yahoo Scrotius: Waxy & Rachelle FTW, because that turd seems to think he belongs with her. And what’s even more mystifying, she seems to think she belongs with him. That makes me cry tears of boobie.

BackDoorNoBaby: Waxy McBrow and Rachelle without a doubt. It’s sad that deep pocketed family money has gravitated those perfect fun bags o’plenty. What kind of douche must a man be to not crack a giddy smile around such a cornucopia. No one buys your pseudo deserving heir doucher. Just pay the bills and let me clean your pool while your away.

Douche Mengia: Where Anchor Chin reeks of and tries to be poo, Waxy has already been poo for 4 years. Where it looks like a toss-up between Waxy and Anchor chin, one needs only to review the further evidence (links) to see the edge. We can restart the debate when further evidence of Anchor Chin’s baggery is revealed. Until then, it is Waxy that wins. And by win, I mean deserves to be buried alive somewhere in the Meadowlands.

And in a distant but sad fourth place finish, Popeye the Scroter Man. That’s what you get for covering up the hotts with your flex, Popeye. So lets let the everpresent Anonymous take us home:

I have to go with Anchor Chin for his presence anywhere near hottie Raquel is just not right. Everything about this picture is what makes me question the existence of a higher power. WHY DO YOU LET THIS ANGEL NEAR THIS DOUCHEBAG? WHY!

Why indeed, anonymous voter person. Book Anchor Chin and Raquel their well earned spot in the HCwDB of the Year in December. They’ve earned it.

And by earned it, I mean a sweet hott cohabitating with a turd that floats in the ocean.

Vinny From the Block

Oh Dirty Jerz, is there anything you can’t do?

Even without tatts, bling, hat tilt, hand gestures, nor facial pubes, I can still smell that toxic taint as Vinny harasses Ilene on the dance floor.

Nerd Huntress’s Vegas ‘Tag

—-
DB1:

Nerd Huntress
—–

Mmm… Asian Nerd Hotts ‘tagging Anthony Keidis. Can’t say that this dude looks overly douchey here, but I liked the email so much I’m going with it.

Nerd Huntress's Vegas 'Tag

—-
DB1:

Nerd Huntress
—–

Mmm… Asian Nerd Hotts ‘tagging Anthony Keidis. Can’t say that this dude looks overly douchey here, but I liked the email so much I’m going with it.

Reader Mail: The Hott Saver Intervenes

PIC DELETED
—-
Dear Douchebag1,

– The Hott Saver
—-

There’s not much I can add to that warning, except that looking at the second pic(edit: pick deleted), I wouldn’t climb into that hot tub even if I was wearing a hazmat suit covered in gauze, surrounded by a Bubble Boy bubble, and was already dead so it didn’t even matter.

EDIT: I took out the reference in the letter to the critter/crawler infectious stuff. That’s probably too much to leave up.

Decipher That Hand Gesture

Using my Scrote-to-English dictionary, I’m still struggling to decipher the coded meaning being imparted by Lorenzo in the back.

I’ve come up with the following possibilities:

A. Help, I’m being held captive by the Janice Sisters, and they chew gum quite loudly.

D. My job prospects are limited by my life choices.

Help me out in the comments thread.

What’s Lorenzo saying?

Cleveland ‘Bag Tagging: “The North Coast”

—-
DB1-

– B.A.
—-

Yo yo yo, North Side. Or, in the case of the ‘bag here, the hand sign for “Snuffleupagus.”

Yeah, I made a Sesame Street reference. Because that’s how I roll.

Cleveland 'Bag Tagging: "The North Coast"

—-
DB1-

– B.A.
—-

Yo yo yo, North Side. Or, in the case of the ‘bag here, the hand sign for “Snuffleupagus.”

Yeah, I made a Sesame Street reference. Because that’s how I roll.