Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Missing Pink

Frost tips and the strangest shade of pink this side of Valentine’s Day aren’t what make the Missing Pink’s giant Randy Quaid head noteworthy.

It’s the clearest Mark of the ‘Bag on his forehead grease that we’ve seen in months.

The shlong-n-balls do not lie, Slutty Tina on the left. Be warned.

As to Tina’s mom on the right, hey at least there’s nice boobs.

Men Without Jobs

Nearly forgotten is the 1980s supergroup Men Without Jobs, and their #1 hit, “The Safety Chin.”

I was reminded of Men Without Jobs when watching VH1’s I Have Comedic A.D.D. Riffs About the 80s.

But then I forgot them again.

Because Michael Ian Black said something stone-faced, and then awkwardly paused for an extra beat.

HCwDB of the Week: Electric Blight Orchestra and Britney

For Excellence in the Thousand Yard Stare, E-BLO and Britney were too stomach-flu douchey not to win the HCwDB of the Week. Even if Brit’s awkwardly posed and not bringing a-game hottness.

The original pic probably wasn’t enough. It was pic 2, pic 3, and the after the voting opened wild card of pic 4, that brought a Peaches-like consistency and took home the HCwDB of the Week.

The voters speak:

Anonymous: E-Bl-O FTW. Is there any question of his douchiness? The blank stare is not an act but a gaze into his soul.

Becky: oh, it’s e-blo ftw, all the way.. i gotta go with how i think i’d feel if i saw them in person.. he makes me feel like smacking his face and kicking his nuts just looking at him, while the other two would be easy to dismiss as losers…

Vin Douchal: E-Blo’s hair crimped off like a dog poop that freezes in place on a Minnesota winter morning followed by the sideburns forward sweep is the most unique usage of early male pattern baldnes we’ve ever had the privilege to mock.

Scrotie and the Bandit: For no other reason that the “not gravity defying hair” (i.e. obviously more product usage than 70’s Kiss) — E-BLO FTW!

Bunghole Liquor: The Electric Blue Douchestain. The doucheforce is powerful in this one. He must be trying to counteract some conspicuous flaw, like a squeaky voice, an involuntary sashay in his stride, or an inability to read. I would hold a door open for Britney.

memphis doucheworkers local 421: E-blo. i will send my resignation from humanity directly to him

Guido: Definitely Electric Blight Orchestra, all the way to Eldorado!

Douche Wayne: E-Blo FTW. His proximity to his hotts when combined with his complete lack of facial expression puts him just ahead of the Sleeve Burglar. E-Blo is surrounded by ‘tang in each pic, yet remains as unblinking and emotionless as an alien Grey.

Army of DOuche-ness: EBLO is Tighty Armani for 09, except 10x more annoying.

ehcuodouche: So E-Blo does not smile for pictures. That he ends up as a HCwDB of the week is testament to the fact that his doucheness transcends all existential phenomenon. It just is. Plus his hotts have the nicest e-boobies.

Luke: Sometimes the favorite is favored for good reason: E-BLO FTW.

Excellent evisceration and props to another great comments thread. E-BLO was a lock once his douchey face and various sweet cuties began to appear like ass pimples. Good work, ‘Bag Hunters and Huntresses. Coming in a strong but distant second, the creepy Howard Johnson’s party of The Sleeve Burglar and Calista Hott:

Wally: The Sleeve Burglar FTW simply because of the deliciousness of Calista and the lack there of with the other “Hots”.

jonezy: Sleeve Burglar. For I am in love with Rachelle- she is everything I ever wanted, except for the sleeveless pile of bored poo next to her. I would sit behind her in pre-Algebra and day dream of the time she glanced my direction as she gossiped about the Real Housewives of New York with her much less attractive but much more slutty friend, Amber.

Gold’bag: Crappy photography hurts this picture, but this is a winner. He is pure douche…but OMG Calista is AMAZING. For those of us who like unbleethed brunettes she is a revelation. Wish we could see more…looks like she has great legs. Calista should be remembered for the Yearly.

euripidouche: sleeve burgler wins on douche essence. the kari wurher hotts get me everytime. that and white skirts, its like if there were a moonie parochial high school and the girls wore skirts…except she wears hers longer than i remember catholic girls on the old port authority bus that carried them to high school and me to middle school and a lifetime of gas station porn three packs…i think i got every issue ever put out of “kentucky swingers guide” as the middle mag

Billy Jag: these 3 choads offer a similar level of doucheosity, so for the superior hott i must say sleeve burglar ftw.

I have another pic of Calista proving that not only is she of drinking age but is every bit as luscious as pic #1. I will run it on Friday. And coming in a distant third was the creepy and uncomfortable coupling of The Moozer:

Hong Kong Douchey: Moozer for the win. His douchey facial expression and hand gesture make me want to go ball-peen hammer on his gelled ‘do.

Something not right about that guy, but alas, I’m sure he’ll turn up again. This week it’s Zen Wizard who takes us home:

Blight’s same face expression is just the kind of “blank slate” on which we can pin the hopes and aspirations of a generation.

Well put, Z.W. E-BLO is the Rorshach Test of douche-face. We see what projects back at us from a society in crisis. And Brtiney is rather cute, it’s just a bad pose.

Chalk ’em up for the Monthly. Another solid round of voting, and I’m off to get a coffee at the Coffee Bean.

Breaking: Kadebag to “Model”

Noted tit-pimple and online national disgrace, Arthur Kade, has been booked for a fashion show.

Archimedes looks at Kadebag’s nose and weeps.

Breaking: Kadebag to "Model"

Noted tit-pimple and online national disgrace, Arthur Kade, has been booked for a fashion show.

Archimedes looks at Kadebag’s nose and weeps.

Urban Cowbag

We haven’t busted a truly Southern cowbag in awhile.

That preening dressup rodeo clown, who corrals tasty, quality suckle thigh like Suzie, and then shows off his dickie. Note also the designer dog-tags, key to the classic Cowboy look.

The second pic in this sequence doesn’t tell us much more about the Cowbag, but it does tell me that I’d nuzzle up in Suzie’s armpit like a feral hamster, and then cry softly to sleep. Yes, she’s got the crazy eyes. But I would forgive. Because, boobies.

Lumpy and Stephanie

First we have Stephanie. A cool breeze of hottness on a warm, boobie-summer day.

Then we have Lumpy. The Eighth Dwarf. Like Sleazy, Dopey and Asswipe before him, Lumpy left the land of fairy tales to get Jesus tatts and skull necklaces.

How did Stephanie and Lumpy come together in a cohabitation of taint, somewhere in an abandoned YMCA rec room? There’s a story that involves the elfstones of Shannara, helium based Wehrmacht Luftwaffe and a gallon of chickenfat.

But were I to tell it, I’d have to give up drinking and focus. And that ain’t happenin’.

Marty Oldbag

Ah yes, the Oldbag. In this case, Marty Oldbag. With zebra prints, triple bling earrings and flashy Dalek cap.

Marty Oldbag reminds us that there comes a point when a douchey saggy sack is still in the game, after so many years, that you gotta give respek.

Good on you, Marty O.

Your granddaughters love the pearls.

EDIT: Reader Douche Wayne asks, is this HCwDB legendary oldbag Yellowtail in the (saggy) flesh?

London Scalding

Katie writes in from the land of Shakespeare, Dickens and Vicious:

—–
Hellooo,

Katie x
—-

Indeed, Katie, you have tagged a classic ‘bagling in presence of budding hotlets.

He is a wanker, a tosser, a git and bleedin’ annoying. Somewhere on the River Themes, a loo is missing its turd.

E-BLO is Thrilled. On the Inside.

HCwDB of the Week finalist E-Blo is confident that he’s going to take the Weekly with ease. Voting ends tomorrow morning (see below).

So much so that he’s celebrating with a milfy Long Island girl, not perfect, but still bringing the quirky sexy.

You can tell E-Blo’s excited by his identical douche-face zombie stare. It’s 1mm more animated.