Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Breaking: Susan Partridge Dating a Danny Bonadouchey

Courtesy of WWTDD, we have breaking news that noted classic 1970s TV character Susan Partridge went to Vegas this weekend to hook up with a Danny Bonnadouchey.

In a related story, Mr. Brady never liked the Beaver.

EDIT: I admit this post is rather confusing, but the joke was since she’s “Audrina Patridge” I’d do a Partridge family runner. That led me into a Bonnadouchey joke, which then led me to slip in a gag about Mr. Brady’s noted non-heterosexuality via “The Beaver.” Yup, the humor’s collapsing under the weight of too many tangential pop culture riffs. Time to start drinkin’.

Pubic Enemy

1985. The number. Another summer.
Sound of a funky bummer.

The Kitchenbag

There are a number of key factors for the Kitchenbag to remember when posing with a barely legal in the kitchen at Dan’s ragin’ kegger.

1. Show no facial expression
2. Make only the most minimal attempt to hold the hott
3. Make sure the pattern on your overpriced douche-shirt perfectly blends into your arm tatts
4. Think about baseball

The Moozer Voted

What’s that?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist The Moozer’s coming in with a second pic to try to shake up the voting?

Pamela’s not looking as cute/innocent as she was in the previous pic. But the Moozer is as identically douche-faced and hand gestured as in the previous pic.

Could this push the Moozer to an upset victory? Or cost The Moozer his shot at chin dribbling his way to a Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week

Last week was one of the best runs of consistently varied Hottie/Douchey pics of stankitude wrongness and boobie suckle thigh. It was nearly impossible to cull down to a final three.

But culled I musted. So here’s your thems threes:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: E-BLO aka Electric Blight Orchestra

For a three pic run of HCwDB excellence, E-BLO comes into the Weekly as the heavy favorite.

Crusty Gel Head.

Aqua blue D-Neck.

Unearned Dog Tags.

A tasty if confused Britney looking like she’s suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

From his ability to pull quality collegiate pillow hott sqeetness, as with Britney, E-BLO is all that is hair greased in Scottsdale.

In pic 2, he sports a ridiculous aqua name-brand muscle something, but with a trashy douchebaguette. But lest you feared the hotts were playing down to the competition, pic 3 proves that while E-BLO gets douchier, the hotts can be just as counterpointedly innocent.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Sleeve Burglar

Props to Douche B4 Dishonor for naming this pic, which ran on Saturday as “Your Saturday ‘This Coupling Is So Wrong I Just Punched A Fluffy Kitten in The Nutsack’ Pic”.

Many Fluffy Kittens found their genitals punched that day, I assure you.

For those who do not appreciate Tiny Calista’s Hottness, for shame people. She is the college girl who smells like roses and petunias. Her giggles sound like squealing hamsters.

Sleeve Burglar’s Fluffy Kittens deserve punching for bling, bored ‘tude and the most ridiculous shirt to make the site in months.

And then there’s his Best Bro, Kal. Picking his nose. All in a Motel6.

A worthy finalist, indeed.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Moozer

The Moozer knows he’s a longshot, and Katie has the youthful vigor of a potential underage hotlet.

But The Moozer is still in it to win it.

And by win it, he means pencil chin-pube dribble.

This is the classic sneery douche-face that renders a pic stronger than the sum of its adouchrements.

And hotlet or not, Katie is sweet and wholesome and deserves innocent protection as well as me drooling on that faint tanline on her boobage.

Finally: The Moozer’s bling. You might not have noticed it at first. Look at it. It is rankling rankage rank.

(Dis)honorable mention to so many pics that just missed the cut, including Jar Jar Pinks, D–ch-b-g, the tall-short oddities of Stars McDana, the creepizoid nature of Giger Abs and Mammy Miami, who was sent directly to the newly opened “Closet of Poo” below the Hall of Scrote.

Them’s your three. Which is a combo of taint/hott enough to win the Weekly? That’s up to you.

Get off yer ass and vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Bulgarian ‘Bags Say “да!”

The Douche Virus has gone global. It’s even permeated small Eastern European countries, Bulgarian rap groups, and small woodland animals.

I feel for these people. Sure being behind the Iron Curtain meant a lack of freedom. But it also meant a lack of rapping choadwanks in orange shirts and bling.

Bulgarian 'Bags Say "да!"

The Douche Virus has gone global. It’s even permeated small Eastern European countries, Bulgarian rap groups, and small woodland animals.

I feel for these people. Sure being behind the Iron Curtain meant a lack of freedom. But it also meant a lack of rapping choadwanks in orange shirts and bling.

Alpaca Farm Head

That reminds me, did I trim the hedges out by my alpaca farm this week?

Your Saturday “This Coupling Is So Wrong I Just Punched A Fluffy Kitten in The Nutsack” Pic

If you’d like to substitute a poor, destitute orphan boy on the streets of Calcutta in lieu of the kitten, that is an acceptable alternate for nutsack punch.

Your Saturday "This Coupling Is So Wrong I Just Punched A Fluffy Kitten in The Nutsack" Pic

If you’d like to substitute a poor, destitute orphan boy on the streets of Calcutta in lieu of the kitten, that is an acceptable alternate for nutsack punch.