Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Where’s Waldouche?

Somewhere in this lineup of three absolutely delicious strawberry whipped toppings of boobie hott braised crème brûlée goodness, I’ve carefully hidden not one, but two, wanksta waldouches.

Look closely.

Can you find them?

Degree of Difficulty: Three Axe Bodysprays.

Where's Waldouche?

Somewhere in this lineup of three absolutely delicious strawberry whipped toppings of boobie hott braised crème brûlée goodness, I’ve carefully hidden not one, but two, wanksta waldouches.

Look closely.

Can you find them?

Degree of Difficulty: Three Axe Bodysprays.

E-BLO

E-Blo has no need for a bra. For his pecs are pecs of Aqua Steel.

E-Blo has no need for facial expresions. For his hands and bling say it all.

E-Blo has no need to notice his trashy, Bleethy but strangely sexy girl. For even though her nasal voice shreds ferrets, she has nice boobies.

E-Blo has no need for a studded white belt.

Oh wait.

Yes. Yes he does.

The Moozer

I don’t know exactly what a Moozer is.

Maybe it’s like a Wangdoodle. Or a Hornswaggler. Or a Snozzwanger.

Or even a Vermicious Knid.

But this guy is a Moozer. And Katie has made a poor choice.

Almost as poor as buying a Staples “Easy” button and sticking it to your wall.

Electric Blight Orchestra

It took me awhile to name this turd licking other-worldly douchebaggian pud. I ran through a number of choices. “Barry the Scrotatian.” “Aqua Vulva.” “McManus.”

For his macking of innocent and strangely cute pout girl Monica deserves a quality moniker.

But I settled on E.Bl.O.

For his hair clearly sings “Don’t Bring Me Down” at karaoke parties.

Hoverbag #692: “Happy Guy Lick”

Many times on this site we’ve tagged the Hoverbag category of douche.

The ‘bag who refuses to get the hell out of the picture during a sapphic kiss and instead disrupts the moment.

But here is the noted “Happy Guy Lick” — the idea that not only must one disrupt the kiss, but use one’s own tongue to giggle-mock the event.

This is an automatic +1 douching throw, and elevates Mack from a standard stage-2 club lizard to an extremely punchable stage-3.

As to the hotts, their soft hand caresses speak of a world without war, with daisies and petunias growing on every street corner, and me quietly humping a mailbox in the background.

Hoverbag #692: "Happy Guy Lick"

Many times on this site we’ve tagged the Hoverbag category of douche.

The ‘bag who refuses to get the hell out of the picture during a sapphic kiss and instead disrupts the moment.

But here is the noted “Happy Guy Lick” — the idea that not only must one disrupt the kiss, but use one’s own tongue to giggle-mock the event.

This is an automatic +1 douching throw, and elevates Mack from a standard stage-2 club lizard to an extremely punchable stage-3.

As to the hotts, their soft hand caresses speak of a world without war, with daisies and petunias growing on every street corner, and me quietly humping a mailbox in the background.

HCwDB of the Week: Tudo and Nicole

Classic Vegas Tongue Lick it is. In a landslide of skeeze. The voters speak:

Douche Springsteen: Tudo FTW. MMA fighter or not, I will mock him from the safety of my laptop. He wins because Nicole is clearly not into being licked. The other finalists’ hotts wouldn’t mind a subhumanoid tongue caressing their faces, hell they would most likely revel in it. But while Nicole’s lips are smiling, her eyes tell us that in her mind she has escaped to a world where tattoos are tasteful, Ed Hardy is just another name, and straps aren’t on chins but merely something you use to keep sandals on your feet. We’ll get there someday, we’ll get there.

notadouche: Tudo is the most ridiculous. Tudo is the most deserving of a shovel to the face. Tudo FTW.

Billdouchiest the Wild Swine: Is it just my imagination or does Tudo’s head look like Sasha Baron Cohen’s left nut just before it came in contact with Eminem’s forehead?

Douchey Smirf: Turdo. Because he’s the real deal.

Anonymous: I must go with Tudo.The chin strap, the sun glasses, the hottie lick, and the tats on the juiced out frame…Humanity has no hope!!

Froggy: Tudo on the other hand pulled trigger on all white oakleys, a chinstrap, douche tats and highly aggressive choad antics. And for that, he gets my vote.

Double O Douche: TUDO FTW he’s douche poo and he gave that bitch a scooby

Emma G: Tudo FTW, he reminds me of the steaming turd Chet turns into in Weird Science. True story.

Skypork: Tudo makes this contest too easy. My bet is that he woke up the morning of that party determined to win the weekly. Even though Milky Hott is the Hottest Hott, it is Tudo’s sphincter-clenching scrotism is responsible for my badly cracked computer monitor, and therefor he gets the vote.

Anonymous: Tudo taps out blond Sara with mixed douchal arts scrote tongue.

jonezy: Tudo FTW. HCwDB maneuver of the year = HottLick. DeathTongue proves to be a forebearer of worse things to come. If Tudo wins this weekly, I don’t see another douche maneuver strong enough to take a Douchy- and we’re only in June.

Excellent point Jonezy, the Hott Lick may be the go-to douche move of 2009, replacing the doggie ‘bag. Well argued all around, panel, and the bling plus chinstrap plus douche-lick plus sunglasses were all too mock-worthy to ignore. But Ezekiel and Chiquita Hott put up a tough fight.

I R A Darth Auggie: I’m going with Ezekiel and the Chiquita Hott. Mostly ’cause she’s mostly nekkid, but also because I have this vision of grabbing the Corona out of Zeek’s hand and beating him with it, then politely asking Chiquita to go somewhere quiet and working on the bottle of Goose.

Anonymous: Ezekiel FTW, because his shirt looks like the floormats in my truck, and Chiquita Hott is trashy in all the right places. Also I’m a bitch for a good Hindu reference.

Dougal McDouche: ezekiel and the hottest piece of ass ever for the win. the 200 degree hat tilt, and the gayest tank top shouldnt be in the same state not to mention street as chiquita hot. i would do terrible unforgiveable things to get with her.

Many of us would, Dougal McD. Coming in third but with solid support, Milky McMuscle, who also found mockers for bringing the frat-turdery into play.

Ashfish: McMuscle makes me want to punch Snuffalufagus in the throat. And he’s my favorite. Do you see the evils this douche causes?! His hot reminds me of a dear friend of mine. She’s cute like this girl, and sometimes I question just how much damage that blond dye has done. This girl’s got the same look in her eyes. Like a slightly retarded baby deer lost in the woods. It needs to be cuddled, and protected from the diseased and ill-equipped stag in the pack.

Joumasedouche: Milky McMuscle ftw. His douchebaggery attracts meteors to our lonely planet.

Mr. Biggs: Milky McMuscle for the win. The hott is like a complete timeline of all the feminine stages from innocent hott to total bleethdom, all in one snapshot. All caused by the poopile on the right. For that, it’s a win on creativity and uniqueness.

Well said, but McMuscle’s potential “dress-up” definitely cost him votes. In the end, it was classic Vegas scrotewankery on hott that took the prize this week. The everpresent Anonymous takes us home:

Tudo is that agro-douche that you see at the bar when you go to watch UFC 97. He’s head locking his friends and pushing them around all while wearing at tap-out hat with 10′ tilt. You step in front of him to see the TV. during the main event. By now he’s hammered and because he’s shorter than you your in his way. He starts mouthing off and shoving you, trying to start a fight. Fortunately the bouncer tosses him out on his ass as the whole world should. While we cannot see Blondie’s body her neck is succulent, her skin is radiant, her helpless innocence is to be cherished.

Yes. Yes it is, anonymous commenter person.

Chalk up the ass-head lickiness of Tudo and Nicole for the Monthly. For theirs is a well earned lick.

The Classic Tonguebag

Tonguebags often don’t appear to be overly douchey at first. More like slightly annoying.

Then along comes Pouty Hannah, who really hates her stepfather and is obsessed with Belvedere. And she giggles and sits in the Tonguebag’s lap.

And, like clockwork, out comes the Tonguebaggery.

Mmmm… I would nibble lightly on her lower ankle area while slap-tapping out the steel drum musical score from Commando on each buttock.

The Blowfish Blows

2008 Douchie Award Winner in the “Douchiest Facial Hair” category, The Blowfish wanted to drop by and remind everyone that his facial pubes remain, far and away, the scroties this side of Brothabag Leon.

The mandana and spike-hair addition, as well as macking on Christie Blonde, are definitely elevating your douchal status, Blowfish.