Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Mammy Miami

“You ain’t scroted nothin’ yet!”

Questions.

Whether or not this was for a weightlifting event, and meant only to simulate a tanned body, does no one at these events realize the historical offense of echoing American blackface, even if they’re in this bizarrely orange “Guidoface”?

Does the dog on the left think, “Why does my owner smell like Red Bull, shoe polish, and cultural ignorance?”

Does Krakonia on the right wish she’s stayed in Belarus instead of coming to America to work as an au pair, only to get hit on by a strange man with chemically induced skin cancer?

So many questions. So much cultural travesty. So little time.

And yes, this is not the typical HCwDB pic. But its WTFedness deserves contemplation. And by contemplation, I mean mock.

Joey Kia

If Joey Porsche and his Krackenbag posse are the epitome of Long Island douchitude, then Joey Kia is the low rent version.

Slutty Kim on the right makes me celebrate all those who attend two year trade schools. She is giggly confusion who knows not how much she drinks.

Meanwhile, The Collective Hand of the Unconscious seems to have a boobie fetish this morning.

EDIT: Reader Mike runs some enhanced computer simulation software and discovers what’s really on Joey Kia’s acid-wash sweatshirt.

His Sister Doesn’t Shave It

The subject of Jess’s poetic cadences writes in to doth protest too much:

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If you want a history, Jessica is my ex girlfriend- she’s a total head case- no cheating or any shit like that was involved- I broke up with her in March and apparently she still hasn’t gotten over it. More importantly, she DOES NOT own the picture and doesn’t even appear in it. Please remove it promptly………Thank you in advance

James
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A relatively normal takedown request with all words spelled correctly makes the DB1 sad, but it does remind me why I usually don’t run angry ex pics on the site.

So to make up for Jess’s sister shaving boyfriend, here’s a random HCwDB pic that may or may not be dress-up for some weird gas convention, but is most certainly hottie/douchey.

His Sister Doesn't Shave It

The subject of Jess’s poetic cadences writes in to doth protest too much:

—-
If you want a history, Jessica is my ex girlfriend- she’s a total head case- no cheating or any shit like that was involved- I broke up with her in March and apparently she still hasn’t gotten over it. More importantly, she DOES NOT own the picture and doesn’t even appear in it. Please remove it promptly………Thank you in advance

James
—-

A relatively normal takedown request with all words spelled correctly makes the DB1 sad, but it does remind me why I usually don’t run angry ex pics on the site.

So to make up for Jess’s sister shaving boyfriend, here’s a random HCwDB pic that may or may not be dress-up for some weird gas convention, but is most certainly hottie/douchey.

Jar Jar Pinks

Because nothing says macho heterosexual quite like matching your girl’s sunglasses and pink color, and busting d-neck with shaved chest and faux dogtags.

This is Ahmed Worst.

Stars McDana

There are two noted psychological responses that men who feel inadequate about their height tend to engage in, when trying to score with a tall brunette.

The first is to stage a coup, install yourself as “First Consul,” and invade the rest of Europe, before being exiled to Elba.

The second is a giggity stars mandana and underwear poke.

Giger Abs

I’m all for working out, staying healthy and keeping one’s self in shape.

I mean, not personally. But as an abstract concept, I can support it.

But at what point did we as a society begin to celebrate turning one’s abs into H.R. Giger-esque nightmares?

I don’t know whether to mock this preening gym rat’s overly developed abs while macking on Brit Vegas Girl, or tape a picture of them to my Freshman year dorm room wall to show my dark graphic-design side.

The Gator Voted

HCwDB legend and aging leathery British nutsack, The Gator, has cast his vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you?

HCwDB of the Week

Seeing Eminem teabagged by Sacha Baron Cohen on the network of my future home brought me a wonderful sense of zen joy last night. Both Eminem and Baron Cohen traffic in multiple identity constructions, so to watch them collide in absurdity had a certain significance. Bruno’s butthole speaking eloquently to the chaos underneath the best laid plans of mice and networks.

Staged? Perhaps. But funny nonetheless. And the Ben Stiller tribute with Triumph, Kiefer Sutherland and Zac Efron was sheer genius.

It is June 1st. A new month. A new Weekly. My socks are washed and my coffee is relatively flavorful this morning as your humble narrator arises in New York City. The show starts less than three weeks away.

But before then, there are ‘bags to be mocked. And girls to be enjoyed for their unearned genetic merit. And away we go:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Milky McMuscle

A joke? Perhaps.

Like Bruno via Borat via Baron Cohen, is Milky a simulation of a stereotype of an echo of a putz?

Is this clown at a party impressing the ladies with some bizarro irono-baggery that is very much authentodouchewankerry?

Perhaps. But when the image becomes the real, we find douche.

I am pleased that Lithe Erika is finally getting the love that she deserves on the site. As pictured here and here, Milky Hott is a tiny, bouncy, slender bottle of hott water that we can all visually partake in drinking.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Ezekiel and the Chiquita Hott, aka Friday Haiku

The ancient Hindu mystics would argue that 170 degree hat tilt actually forms a “third eye” upon this douchewank’s forehead.

Note the meditative formation between the large sunglasses-aided eyes and the half circle through the hat on the forehead.

Like Shiva before him, Ezekiel seeks spiritual guidance in the only place American culture offers it: Name brand vodka and overpriced articles of clothing.

And what do we make of tiny Chiquita Hott?

Her smug sneer and ‘tude suggest a stage-4 Bleeth. Unredeemable. Lost to the Douche Virus forever.

Yet her belly asks me to make “barrrruummppp!!” noises on it after drizzling honey onto it and sprinkling with a dash of cinammon.

And so we find hottie/douchey dialectic.

But enough to win the Weekly? We shall see.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tudo

Tudo see?

Tudo lick.

This pic just missed the cut in last week’s Weekly, and looking at this skeezy Vegas licking of hott, I think it deserves its own shot.

So I’m throwing Tudo into the mix this week.

Some say Tudo is a famous MMA fighter. I say anyone who gets an arbitrary tatt crawling up their shoulder like a brain addled beetle deserves the mock.

And bald head + chinstrap.

Seriously. Bald head + chinstrap.

Nicole is sweet and lickable. But not by Tudo. For he is choad.

So them’s your four. It was a light week last week, so really no near finalists. These are your three.

Which has both hott and douche in unholy cohabitation to earn the HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.