Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: “Your all faggot hatas”

Yesterday’s”Translate that Forehead Untannery” writes in with an eloquent response for his critics:

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okay first all…. your all faggot hatas second we were all in acapulco so na itz real…. second that girl isnt his sista….. your alll fuccin dead gay
—–

And then moments later, a coda:

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you go do that at least speak the truth if ur gunna take peoples pictures…..not alll tans are fake give it up
—-

Give it up indeed, good sir. Give it up indeed.

And yes, in honor of E-Blo’s win in the HCwDB of the Month, this is a new pic of that most legendary of consistent Hall of Scrote doucherstars, Peaches. The only update for 2009? His point is now turned upward.

At God. Or a hypothetical anus.

Reader Mail: "Your all faggot hatas"

Yesterday’s”Translate that Forehead Untannery” writes in with an eloquent response for his critics:

——–
okay first all…. your all faggot hatas second we were all in acapulco so na itz real…. second that girl isnt his sista….. your alll fuccin dead gay
—–

And then moments later, a coda:

—-
you go do that at least speak the truth if ur gunna take peoples pictures…..not alll tans are fake give it up
—-

Give it up indeed, good sir. Give it up indeed.

And yes, in honor of E-Blo’s win in the HCwDB of the Month, this is a new pic of that most legendary of consistent Hall of Scrote doucherstars, Peaches. The only update for 2009? His point is now turned upward.

At God. Or a hypothetical anus.

‘Baglings and Hotlets

The kids aren’t all right.

'Baglings and Hotlets

The kids aren’t all right.

HCwDB of the Month: E-Blo

A solid and convincing win of blankness. And lets not forget Pics 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.

But lest I babble, let me turn it over to the always genius ‘bag hunters and huntresses in the voting thread:

PhilthyPhil: EBLO ftw imho. All eblo’s pics are impressive to say the least but the original is pure douche entrancement. Britney is attractive and her pose is not awkward but expressive. For me her earnest stare, coupled with the submissive posture represents societies last pleading cry for salvation as eblo’s red eyed and vengeful scrotal aura envelopes her soul. Eblo’s vacant grimace cuts me deep and I go.. in fear….

Mikey: E-Blo and Guido are both HOS worthy, but e-Blo’s body of work wins hands down!

Yahoo Scrotius: Many a combat veteran returns home with the 1,000-yard stare that E-Blo so perfectly demonstrates in photo after photo. And like his fellow veterans, he should be honored. For E-Blo wages a tireless battle — the never-ending war against the receding hairline. While his audacious comb-forward flanking maneuver may never be studied at West Point, he deserves our mad respeck for confronting the enemy … male pattern baldness … and living to tell his tale. Wear those store-bought dog tags and your little sister’s shirt with pride, sir. I hope we meet one day, for it would be my honor to salute you. And by salute you, I mean kick you in the nads.

Douchetros Douchetros Ghali: E-BLO FTW, because his body of work is like the rape scene from Deliverance. It makes you want to shoot someone before gouging your eyes out.

Redneckbag: It can be none-other than E-blo. He is destined for triumph in the monthly and a meteoric assent to the HOS. Too bad his employment prospects aren’t nearly as bright.

notadouche: E-BLO. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to the Hall of Scrote. E-BLO is a festering pustule on the ass of society and he must be popped.

M: LISTEN! And understand. E-BLO is OUT there. It can’t be bargained with, it can’t be reasoned with… it doesn’t feel embarrassment, or humility, or arousal… and it absolutely will not stop– EVER!– until decency and good taste are DEAD.

Jane Q. Public: E-Blo is the great white shark of douchebags. E-Blo for the monthly.

Scrotie and the Bandit: Electric Blight Orchestra! It has to be. He is a douchebag with remarkable consistency. He always brings it – a ridiculous over-gelled hair design; usually some lame hand sign; textbook DB-wear; classic DB details (man-jewelry, arm tatt, shoulder tatt, white belt, etc.) and the markofthedouche is strong with this one. Let’s not forget, that somehow, this Uber-Douche always has hot Hotts in his pictures as well.

Anonymous: When I watched Jordan play as a kid, I remember thinking to myself wow I am watching a legend…Those same feelings came back to me after all this time with E-Blo…. E-Blo is just on another level here people.

fidouchiary responsibility: E-Blo should get a line-jumper’s pass directly to the Hall of Scrote. That fact that this bag continues to infect hotts – and a wide array of high-quality tastiness at that – is a sign that the apocalypse is near. E-Blo by a landslide!

E-Blo by a landslide it is, fellow ‘bag mockers. Excellent work deconstructing the causes and taint-nips of each of our contestants. E-Blo won with a solid victory, but Candice and the Krackenbag came in second:

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: In this line up Lumpy and Guido don’t even rate. It is like the “Thrilla in Manilla” between Kracken and E-Blo. E-Blo has the body of work but Kracken has multiple docuhe qualities already listed by previous voters. Although I didn’t initially vote for him in the weekly, I have to go with the Kracken. He made me rip a kitten in half like a used phone book.

DBAD: E-blo can only dream of getting his stare to the emptiness that is the red-eye of Krackenbag. Candace also looks like I girl I know in high school. I’m not allowed near her anymore. Damn restraining order.

AC/DC Bag: We have unleashed the Krakenbag. Woe to us all!

Woe indeed, AC/DC. The Krackenbag is Joey Porsche Posse douchitude, but not enough to take his own prize. Coming in third, the guidosity of Guido Buttchinksy:

Troy Tempest: guido FTW, because I used to date someone named Tonya, who was a GODDESS of Russian by way of Danish passport and was one of the classiest and finest women I ever drooled over, and Guido’s association with her hallowed name, even if fictive, is enough to send me into fits of rage.

Douvhetastic: It’s gotta be buttchinsky! He’s the only one I’d immediately kick in the nuts if i walked past on the street!

Anonymous: GUIDO FTW!! He’s got it all, except the hot chick, but he himself is the biggest douche!

The lack of hott definitely cost G.B. as Tonya was too covered up and distant to really rate the H.C. side of the equation. And coming in a fourth in spite of the legendary hottness of Steph was Lumpy:

Ol’Bag: I voted for him in the weekly, and he gets my vote again. He is a 9 on my douche-scale, while Krackster and E-Blo are indeed 10’s, but, then there is Steph, whom, if it is her ass-pear in the third pic, is an honest 9.5 Hott chick indeed, w/douchebag!
Lumpy and Steph, for the win

Steph will definitely pop up again, if only in my dreams. But E-Blo’s consistency is Hall of Scrote level, and his hots are nothing to ignore. RAPETIME takes us home:

In my nightmares, I am lying on the ground, wounded, about to receive the coup-de-grace from my enemy. I do not focus on the muzzle of the firearm pointed directly between my eyes, I focus on the eyes of that which is about to slay me, looking for the slightest tinge of humanity, of mercy, to save me from my fate.

One day he will slaughter me and my kind.

And Darksock:

E-Blo deserves victory for no other reason than being the first human to Botox his soul.

Well said panel. Hard to argue with E-Blo for the Yearly. The empty eyes and random hotts are too strong to overcome.

See you at the 2009 Douchie Awards, E-Blo. You’ve earned it.

Where’s Waldouche? Brunette Lineup Edition

Lets cleanse the palette after my Perez rant with a lineup of four tasty brunettes and one carefully hidden party-boy Waldouche.

Waldouche is carefully placed amidst two quality shoulder suckles and a tasty hott stomach begging me to make the “pooch” noise on it.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Where's Waldouche? Brunette Lineup Edition

Lets cleanse the palette after my Perez rant with a lineup of four tasty brunettes and one carefully hidden party-boy Waldouche.

Waldouche is carefully placed amidst two quality shoulder suckles and a tasty hott stomach begging me to make the “pooch” noise on it.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Suspenders of Disbelief

Because sometimes Ubiquitous White Douchebelt is not enough to keep your pants on.

Translate That Forehead Untannery

This here’s the mug from Friday’s Translate That Tatt.

Yet I’m fascinated by that weird gap of paleness between his hairline and his fake-tanned forehead.

Is it a skin condition? Vitiligo? Was it where the baseball cap was tilted when sitting in the tanning salon?

And what’s with noted character actor William Fitchner in the background?

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Perez Hilton

For wasting the collective world’s attention on inanity and purile poo, I’m giving a long overdue honorary Douchebag of the Month to ass pimple, blogger and whiny drama queen Perez Hilton.

Normally I don’t target the gaybags for the simple fact that it is those who douche it up to get the hotts that rankle me.

But for the fact that, despite all attempts to filter any and all knowledge of this Perez Hilton character from my brain, I still know that he got into a fight with William of the Black Eyed Peas last night, pisses me the hell off.

After someone emailed me this whining testimonal, it was time to give out an award to this preening, vacuous waste of space.

Do I care if Mr. Peas punched first? Do I care that you drew a penis mouth on Lindsey Lohan for the 400th consecutive day in a row?

Hedda Hopper called. She says you suck.

You are Warholian superstar pastiche without the self awareness. You are dim echo of 1980s gay counterculture, reprocessed and defanged as a slightly edgier version of the typical host on “E!” You make Michael Musto look like Oscar Wilde.

All the Lohans and Parises and Jessica Simpsons of the world, penises drawn on their faces, will never bring you comfort, Mr. Hilton. Your successful spew is still the spew of 57 websites and nothing on. Except penises drawn on Lindsey Lohan.

I may only make fun of Hot Chicks and Douchebags in my little corner of the simulacrum. But at least when I get into fights, I don’t think the world needs to know about every detail. You have become what you beheld, and no amount of ironic name moniker will save you from the fact you are driftwood monkey poo on a sea of crystalline narcissism and overhyped redundancies.

Take your blank page and fill it with the latest starlet drama. Repeat it enough times and the noise will be loud and fame enhanced. But it’s simply a feedback loop of white-noise douchosity. Clown.

Now get off my internets and go back to penis drawing.