Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Month

Here it is. The Monthly.

The point at which the last four hottie/douchey Weekly Winners must now compete for a coveted slot in the HCwDB of the Year at the annual Douchie Awards in December. This is where you vote. You pic. You smack that pud.

I turn the court over to you, and humbly present the Final Four. Here are your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Guido Buttchinsky and Tonya

Words that rhyme with “orange” include:

1. shmorange
2. Chlorange
3. Gorgonrange
4. Jerz Guid

A triple A/X play (belt, shirt, headband) sends Mr. Buttchinsky from the merely douchey into the scrotally sublime.

Tonya and her Big Gulp are everyday girl next door cute. Tonya’s friend/mom has furry coat.

Together they not only sandwich the Orange, but the background lighting actually is orange.

That alone renders this pic worth all of our collective meditation on.

But the coupling itself is weak. Is the Guido/Tonya cohabit rankling enough to win the Monthly? We shall see.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: E-Blo and Assorted Lady Friends

Lets remember the legendary run. Pics 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.

I used to believe that a true HCwDB pic should stand on its own as a singular piece of scrotal art. But I now allow for a body of work to influence a larger ascendance. And by body of work, I mean receding hair gelled forward.

Each pic of the Electric Blight Orchestra helped further complete this comprehensive portrait of blank.

This canvass of null.

This void of noid.

E-Blo has become a legend of both female grope and vacant, nihilist stare of a future of bleakness and human decline.

But what of Britney? She is sweet and wholesome, but also awkward.

And what of the green Gatorade? Will it be drank?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lumpy

I’ve made an executive decision to swap out HCwDB winner Tudo with Lumpy, who was the close runner-up to Guido Buttchinksy and deserves his own shot in the Monthly.

Something about Tudo’s pro-Vegas genericism just seemed wrong. So I made the decision to bring back the uberhottitude of Steph.

And the increasingly greasingly Lumpy.

lets not forget the Lumpster’s run with blonde hott and Ass Pear here and here.

Lumpy Ass Pear alone might qualify for a 2009 Douchie Award for its artistic composition.

Besides. I needed to look at Steph again. Judge me if you must. But she tingles my nethers and enhances my coital potential.

Lumpy is regular guy real-world douchitude. And Steph is the hottest of the four hotts. Can she carry his Lumpiness to an upset here in the Monthly?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Krackenbag and Candice (Candace)

The Krackenbag, long an anonymous uber-douche in the shadow of the legendary Joey Porsche, now steps out and claims his own Weekly.

Check the checklist:

1. Chest shavey reveal
2. Chinstrap
3. Gelled up Long Island Blowout
4. Punchable douche-face

But is Candice aka Candace enough on the hott scale?

Her understated boobs and come-hither stare all suggest a hottness well worth celebrating.

But, as with every great HCwDB pic, the question is the cohabitation. The hottie/douchey dialectics.

Which of these four pics brings enough schroad-kill and boob-hott to create a toxic wrongness that rises to the top (bottom) to win (lose) the prize?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Lets All Laugh at Klaus

With all that’s going on in Iran today, I took down the douchey-ass video of Arabs proving to the world they can be as douche as Westerners. And yes, I know Persians are not Arabs. That was the satire — American ignorance. But it’s too painful a real world reminder of the events going on in the world.

So instead, lets all unite by laughing at Klaus.

In spite of his sexy if dominant looking Fräulein , Klaus is all that is douchey in Dusseldorf.

But if you’d still like to laugh at douchey Arabs, here’s the video.

Maria and Future Gas Attendant Union Member #304

Clearly we have an uberdouche of chinstrapfung proportions. Of that there can be no debate. His ant-line chin fung deserves mock.

But what to make of Maria? Part of me is convinced she is plump lipped tasty boobed phenomenal hottitude.

Other parts of me are thrown by the excessive makeup.

Heck with it.

It’s Saturday and I’m already cracked into my fourth PBR. I’m a’goin’ with it. I vote Hot Chick.

Ask DB1: Baby ‘Bag Ribs

—-
DB1 –

Scared!
Mike
—-

There is only one solution, Mike. Sell him into the North Prussian white slave market.

Bedouin spice traders often conscript young apprentices to till the harvest soil, fetch rice bundles and stitch Nikes. You will get good price.

You should easily get 10-20Gs for the little one. Even with the tatts and bling lowering his value by approximately 10-15% in a deflated market.

Ask DB1: Baby 'Bag Ribs

—-
DB1 –

Scared!
Mike
—-

There is only one solution, Mike. Sell him into the North Prussian white slave market.

Bedouin spice traders often conscript young apprentices to till the harvest soil, fetch rice bundles and stitch Nikes. You will get good price.

You should easily get 10-20Gs for the little one. Even with the tatts and bling lowering his value by approximately 10-15% in a deflated market.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As the douche smells hott ass, so do we all inhale whiffs of our own proverbial hottassitude on this Friday.

The first week of the HCwDB show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? is wrapping up on MTV, and I’m feelin’ good.

After so much work over the last year, your humble narrator on all things boobie/douchey is thrilled to see ISRGOWH finally reach the teevee. So far so good, but keep spreading the word.

Today, I find myself meditating on the arch of the young suckle thigh’s inner neck. It is tasty and sometimes salty. And I am also ruminating on how much I hate those silky, designer rapsta Yankee caps. For they are camel poo.

But finally, I’ve been thinking about the vacuous emptiness of Jennifer Aniston. Her eyes are dead. Like a shark. Hers is the blankness of a nihilist framework without meaning. An empty shell of Hollywoodified personality blank. She’s not a bad person. She’s just an abyss. But I’d still lick her boobies.

Here’s your Friday Links:

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Paparazzo Surfer ‘Bag on TMZ.

Hot Chicks with… Something.

Commando: Libya. The greatest underground videogame of the late 1980s. For the legendary Commodore 64. The entire point was simply to shoot up Libyans as they walked across the screen who couldn’t shoot back. It was sick and demented Reagan era crypto-fascist youth prep. Imagine my joy when I found a Commando: Libya flash simulator online.

The HCwDB of the Month is on Monday, but this coupling of hott and taint is the odds-on favorite in Vegas for the next Week.

Ed Hardy plague infects Australia. It’s like when Bart unleashed the frogs.

There’s even virtual HCwDB combos on Second Life.

Japan is being overrun by something called “grass-eaters”, young men who focus entirely on makeup and preening. Are they Japanese douchebags? Hard to say, but warrants monitoring.

Via the always brilliant The Daily Show, Long Island wants to secede. Nice trio of ‘bag tagging, Samantha Bee. If that is your real name.

And finally, for all of your hard work and to celebrate the first week of the show, here’s a double reward: Twin Ass Pear. Quality.

Truly Douchey Jokes Vol. XI

So a guy walks into a bar with a tattoo of Middle Earth on one shoulder so he can find the one ring to rule them all, and a sexy Fran Drescher Hott from Queens on the other, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Wait. I think I just mixed up my punchlines again.

Stupid sugary HoHo goodness.

Ask DB1: Smells Like Ed Hardy

——–
DB1 –

– Carsick in Connecticut
——–

To help explain the malodorous nature of Ed Hardy Air Fresheners, I’ve asked HCwDB Finalist Lumpy to come by and reenact.

Attempting to simulate one of our senses by creating artistic representations for one of our other senses is one of the most difficult challenges an artist can face. But Lumpy is a true artist. I think you’ll agree that if images could smell, Lumpy has, indeed, created an image of the odor you seek.

As to the Bleeth? Without more evidence, I’d say it’s a solid stage-2.

Friday Haiku

Tattoo backed temptress,
Asher Roth wanksta doucheface,
Combined, make bad rap.

Geddy Lee gone douche
But let’s not “rush” to judgement
Ass is ass, my friend

— saulgoode42

Tramp licks her shoulder
“Color me badd” bag cares not
Too busy mugging

— Anonymous

O-town loser tries
To see past skanktastic’s ink
Home to meet mother?

— Hong Kong Douchey

two hands on ass pear
pursed lips, collar pop and product
douche leg between stars

— Scrotie and the Bandit

Translate That Tatt

“No M.S.Jerz.”

“In case of emergency, gel.”

“Confuscious Say: Douchey Guido should not give hard time to the tattoo artist when he no speak Chinese.”

“Her body makes angels weep. Why’d you bring her into the tattoo parlor, choad?”

“Kill Kirk!” and also “Hallelujah!” depending on the context.