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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Live Long and Take Guitar Lessons
We’ve seen many hundreds of hand gestures from all the various categories of ‘bags macking on hotts that we’ve explored on this site.
But this may be a first.
The “Double Vulcan.”
Hipsterbag Harry isn’t the worst we’ve seen, but your humble narrator is back in New York, and can’t find his socks again. Sockless in New York. Not a good thing.
And Latina Spitfire on the left gives me a bitchy Eva Mendes vibe, so I’m going with it.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009HCwDB of the Week: Guido Buttchinsky
From the moment his orangeness appeared, G.B. was a throwback douche. Classic 2005-2006 vintage Long Island Scrotitude. And his late-entry second pic showed even more chinfungal scrote.
But there was a problem. Did Tonya and her older-sister/mom bring the hott enough to complete the HCwDB? It was tough. But The Kitchenbag and Lumpy and Steph split the remaining vote, allowing Buttchinsky to take the Weekly with a solid win.
The voters speak:
Dr. Howie Feltersnatch: It is my professional opinion that Mr. Chinsky is the biggest bag this week. Guido Butt has quite the arrogant chin.
Reno Von Bergmann: GUIDO FTW. Even his taint is orange.
Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky FTW! Lumpy has the matching belt buckle and necklace but Guido has a triple match going on. Belt buckle, T-shirt and mandana to partially cover up his greasy ‘mark of the bag’. That’s enough to make him a shoe in for the weekly.
Anonymous: Guido Buttchinsky – because when having an A|X belt isn’t douchey enough, he knows to clip his phone to it. Hott on the left looks like Eliza Dushku.
Medusa Oblongata: Purely on classic peacocking and ostentatious douchewankery, I hereby cast my vote for Guido. His roomy but seemingly friendly galpals are ignorant of the inner turmoil belied by his autofellating and insecure preening. They smile for the camera, unaware of the sinister orange tint that follows him, like an evil aura.
Katie: i’m a HCwDB of the week voting virgin but i just had to this week..the over accessorized long island guido, complete with the staten island mommy-daughter bookends, is clearly the champ. if i ever see this guy i’m gonna walk up to him a kick him in the nuts.
RAPETIME: And then there is Guido. He is the original vector, Patient X of the Grieco virus. As you can see from the picture, everywhere he has walked, the whole world has turned orange. He sports the traditional and ancient marks of his kind, the Chinstrap, Spikes, the holy Mandana. He bears the trappings of Armani Exchange into his daily combat with the world. This creature was not born but was spawned, like Venus from the half-shell, as a fully formed and perfect douche.
sir douchealot: Has to be Guido FTW. Every now and then we need a straight classic douchebag to regain our focus on the mission. A lower level douchebag does not gain points for having the hotter and less clothed hott! For looking like he drank too much Tang while wrangling Jersey douches at the local Armani Exchange outlet store during a hurricane (causing his hair to explode, of course), I say Guido. Tool.
Well said team, but I remain convinced that Tonya deserves better. She is damn cute, and points should not be deducted for it being Winter. A more flattering pic, and she’d be getting equal love to Meghan, and without the food-baby-bump.
Coming in a solid second, and nearly winning the whole thing, the Kitchenbag and his Preggers Meghan:
Patrick: While the douche is strong with butchinsky….they fact that there is a possibility that The Kitchenbag impregnated the lovely Meghan makes my insides scream with disgust.
memphis doucheworkers local 421: kitchenbag. for continuing excellence in the field of tat-shirt continuity theory
Tracie: kitchenbag FTW. The combo of 1000 yard stare, hideous shirt & tats, thousands of hours at the gym and that orange glow are just completely over the top of the douchey scale.
Scrotie and the Bandit: Highlighted fauxhawk, arm tatt with images from horror movies, textbook bag adornments (tatt-inspired T-Shirt and cross…), and a Hott with a baby bump wearing a party wristband! This bag has it all! Kitchenbag FTW.
Indeed, and the Kitchenbag will most certainly be seen at the 2009 Douchie Awards in December. Yet, even despite the A-List hottness that is Steph, Lumpy was too generic to take the prize:
JJF: Lumpy FTW hands down. Although Guido and KB are indeed prime specimens of glorious douche, Guido’s hotts are nothing more than PATH trash bleeth hags, and Meghan is a little funny looking and possibly preggers. Lumpy exudes an understated air of douchal sophistication that says, “I don’t need to try that hard, because Steph is so face-meltingly, unbleethedly hot and eager to get away from me that this isn’t even a contest.”
Massa-douchetts: Lumpy FTW – the dichotomy is too strong to ignore. He may not be as douchy as Kitchen ‘Bag but she’s way hotter than Megan.
True, and in a lesser week, Lumpy and Steph would’ve won. But this was one of the toughest Weeklies in… well… weeks. Vin Douchal explains why Mr. Buttchinsky deserves the win:
Do not deny Guido Buttchinsky a win due to the lack of hotts. They are both hot: Big Gulp Tanya is normal sized but looks big next to this skinny wimp and that’s not her mom. As any east coast dude will tell you, we don’t need a gal to be in a bikini to check her out, we get good at sizing up gals while bundled up in winter clothes out of sheer necessity.
I’ll take them as the bread in a Vin Douchal sandwich . Guido Buttchinsky FTW as he makes Orangina jealous
Indeed he does make Orangina jealous, well said Vinny D. Lets let the everpresent Anonymous takes us home:
Guido FTW. He is the reason I spend the extra bucks to fly into LaGuardia instead of Newark.
And for that, mark a slot in the Monthly for this Long Island Big Gulp of Orange.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009The RockerHipsterCreeperbag
Here’s a creepy Rockerbag spiced with a Hipsterbag. With extra creepy guyliner and hair spike to uncomfortable up your Tuesday afternoon.
Denise is sweet and wholesome, even if perhaps a bit too shiny.
I will accept her offering of white teeth and satin boobs, and will nestle in them with the contented sigh of a baby lemur who just discovered chocolate covered beetles from a generous German tourist.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009The Petri Dish
Oh, Las Vegas.
When the day’s HCwDB submissions aren’t up to standards, I can always turn to your muscley pumped up uberdouches and sexy boobie skanky hotts to fill the void.
For the Petri Dish of Nevada, the Hard Rock Rehab Pool, grows strange fungal mutations. That smell like Red Bull. And future joblessness.
(Bonus points if you can find HCwDB Hall of Scrote member White Chocolate.)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009Archie McScrote
Lets tally up Archie’s crimes:
1. Red elbow bandana
2. Holding Betty and Veronica’s drinks while blocking them from the camera
3. Annoying shirt
4. Tattoos of various song lyrics on his forearms in case he forgets the words while playing in the “Sugar Ray” tribute band, “McGrath Attack,” at the Sherman Oaks Galleria Mall.
5. A dead marmot on his chin
All of this taking place in a medieval torture chamber just makes it worse.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009Anthrax Chin
Because when you’ve got a superhott like Bree in your arms, not even Anthrax Chin and Affliction shirts can distract from the moment.
Guido Buttchinsky Wants Your Vote
Guido Buttchinsky and Tonya want your vote in the HCwDB of the Week (see below).
They want it so badly, she’s crossing her eyes for luck and he’s changing his last name to “Buttchinstrappy.”
Ask DB1: Does Talent Forgive ‘Baggery?
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DB1-
My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance. There was a couple that did ballroom dancing. The chick was Super Hott. The guy was Super Douchey.
This led to an interesting conversation between us. The culture of Ballroom Dancing requires certain elements of style and demeanor that are necessarily douchey. However, the guy was a SUPER talented dancer. So this led to the following question, and I defer to your judgement on this one. Can a man’s talent counteract his doucheyness?
Thanks in advance for your answer.
— Peter (Not a Douche)
Firstly, PNaD, the problem here started with “My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance.”
But overlooking that egregious cultural violation, this question relates to the Rockstar Leniency Rule (RLR). There is no direct correlation between talent and excusing douchebaggery, the two operate in distinct critical realms. John Mayerbag, to pick an obvious example, is unquestionably a talented guitarist. But his actions in the field render him scrote, regardless of his ability to play.
Similarly, anyone appearing on a dance show are similarly rendered ‘bag, or nottabag, based on their scrotal actions as a person, and not on their ability to dance.
If, and this is a very qualified “if,” their douchal spectacle relates to their theatricality, some leeway is granted. But if the talent and scrotewankery are unrelated, there is no forgiveness, and mocking must commence at once.
Ask DB1: Does Talent Forgive 'Baggery?
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DB1-
My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance. There was a couple that did ballroom dancing. The chick was Super Hott. The guy was Super Douchey.
This led to an interesting conversation between us. The culture of Ballroom Dancing requires certain elements of style and demeanor that are necessarily douchey. However, the guy was a SUPER talented dancer. So this led to the following question, and I defer to your judgement on this one. Can a man’s talent counteract his doucheyness?
Thanks in advance for your answer.
— Peter (Not a Douche)
Firstly, PNaD, the problem here started with “My girlfriend is a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance.”
But overlooking that egregious cultural violation, this question relates to the Rockstar Leniency Rule (RLR). There is no direct correlation between talent and excusing douchebaggery, the two operate in distinct critical realms. John Mayerbag, to pick an obvious example, is unquestionably a talented guitarist. But his actions in the field render him scrote, regardless of his ability to play.
Similarly, anyone appearing on a dance show are similarly rendered ‘bag, or nottabag, based on their scrotal actions as a person, and not on their ability to dance.
If, and this is a very qualified “if,” their douchal spectacle relates to their theatricality, some leeway is granted. But if the talent and scrotewankery are unrelated, there is no forgiveness, and mocking must commence at once.
Bucky Got Mad Game
Bucky got mad game.
Bucky can snag the Long Island Tanned Hotts using two, and only two, moves:
1. The badass black gloves. For welding, or for Running with the Goose.
2. Swivel Axis 10 Degree Hat Tilt.
Only the pros can pull this off, kids. Don’t try this at home.
