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Monday, July 13, 2009
Gunny Voted in the HCwDB of the Week
Meet Gunny.
In this week’s HCwDB of the Week, Gunny voted for #1.
Later, Gunny reconsidered. But stayed with his vote.
But by 2am, after one too many Fuzzy Navels, Gunny changed his vote to The Shocker.
Monday, July 13, 2009HCwDB of the Week
Once I slapped a kitten. It mewed softly. So I felt bad. And bought it an ice-cream cone.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Hairy Belafonte
For bringing Wheatstalks level hair, H.B.’s kiss of Cheryl Crowhott is almost too much to let stand.
We cannot abide this.
We must mock.
Cheryl has the sweet, confused look of a Sarah Lawrence student gone though the looking glass and ending up at a Rehab Party after her boyfriend, Tim, got lost in one of the Casinos.
Her iMac perched on her lap, one wonders if she’s hiding a pair of sexy librarian glasses somewhere untoward.
Hairy B is slap-worthy Rehab Vegas taint.
Together, they make HCwDB.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: P. Doody, aka “Rated P for Poo”
I’m renaming this potential nominee for Worst Tattoo in the History of Body Art “P. Doody”
And yes, the excellent ‘bag hunters in the comments threads, in this case, Chia LaDouche correctly identified the 2008 H.C. winner for HCwDB of the Year, Carly Hott.
Has she ditched the Hooligan? We do not know. But Carly remains boobarifically glorious.
P. Doody has a giant tattoo meant to invoke the MPAA rating system. Srsly? Ya bro.
All sorts of arm-locking wrongness in this pic causes lemurs to karate-chop a kitten in the nads.
In a strange twist of irony, those lemurs karate-chopped the same kitten I once slapped and bought an ice-cream cone. But that’s a story for another time.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Earglasm 
Every great HCwDB pic features a form of douchal innovation. Thomas Edison-like inspiration of ballcrust.
Earglasm has it all. Ears. Sunglasses. Mandana.
Pouty Minx stoically smoking a cig by the beach.
Hers is a neck I would nuzzle.
His is a spikey-fro I would mock.
A third worthy entry in the Weekly, and with artistic composition to boot.
And by boot, I mean his ass. Not that Das Boot film with the Germans in the submarine.
Although that film did kick ass. As did Das Booty Call, starring Tommy Davidson and Udo Kier.
Last week also featured the meltdowns of poor Colt, whose bravado and arrogance quickly collapsed under a heap of really hilarious grammar. Lets toss that fish back in the sea and let it go get another neck tattoo.
Eagle-eyed ‘bag hunters like Wheezer correctly tagged Don’t Mess with the Poohan as HCwDB of the Week winner from last January Sir Sucks-a-Lot. Sucks.A.L. is campaigning for most amorphous douchebag of 2009, and, with his latest entry, is a strong write-in contender for HCwDB of the Year.
So them’s your three.
Which rises (drops) to the level of ballsack and maiden?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, July 12, 2009Breaking: Jon Minus Kate Plus Ed Hardy = Scrotocalypse
I’m not really sure who Jon Gosselin is, but people keep emailing this story, so I’m gonna run it.
Apparently Gosselin has a reality show about living in a commune with nine people or something. It’s some form of alternative lifestyle like the Valentine Michael Smith character in Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land might lead. Weird bathing and water rituals abound.
So why post this non-famous turd?
Because Radar Online has noted one of the key signs of the impending Scrotocalpse — that this TV Douche flew to France to meet with none other than Christian Audiger about working for Ed Hardy.
Ah.
It all starts to come together.
The war against the hott/douche is entering a new phase.
Sunday, July 12, 2009Britain’s Got Douchebag!
Middle age will not stop The Gator.
Nor will hair loss.
Yes it’s HCwDB legend and 2007 Lifetime Achievement winner at the Douchie Awards, The Gator.
The Gator is a scrotal immortal. The Gator will slime 4-Ever.
Sunday, July 12, 2009Britain's Got Douchebag!
Middle age will not stop The Gator.
Nor will hair loss.
Yes it’s HCwDB legend and 2007 Lifetime Achievement winner at the Douchie Awards, The Gator.
The Gator is a scrotal immortal. The Gator will slime 4-Ever.
Saturday, July 11, 2009Dude, Where’s My Shirt?
Sorority Kimmy? BFF Kelly?
Do not turn around.
There is an Ubiquitous Red Cup clutching dual lip pierced chest tatted ubersquat douchetool behind you.
I shall call him “Chet.”
And have him spayed.
Saturday, July 11, 2009Dude, Where's My Shirt?
Sorority Kimmy? BFF Kelly?
Do not turn around.
There is an Ubiquitous Red Cup clutching dual lip pierced chest tatted ubersquat douchetool behind you.
I shall call him “Chet.”
And have him spayed.
Saturday, July 11, 2009Your Saturday Mug
I know what you’re thinking.
“DB1, that dude’s not so douchey. He’s just a devolved simian clown. You just posted this pic for the glory of the boobies.”
And that’s true. The boobies are divinely soft.
But before you dismiss Saturday Mug as a nottadouche I give you Exhibit B.
Friday, July 10, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
No deep thoughts from your humble narrator today. I’m satiated on sugary products and alcohol. The emails are flowing. The show is doing well on MTV. I’m good.
Although I do wonder when getting the Chinese tattoo for “Honky Suckass” below one’s right ear became trendy.
Here’s your links:
Attention High School Students, the Unemployed, or anyone with Garish Taste and No Future: Ed Hardy Video Internship now available.
When did “Celebrity Chefs” start to crossover into douched out asspimples? First Guy Fieri, now this guy. And what the hell is a “celebrity chef” anyway? You apply fire to dead animal carcasses. You are not a “celebrity.” You are a glorified utensil. Now get yer ass back in the kitchen and fetch me my chicken pot pie, clown.
Hitch! Now you can get in shape and become a douche all at the same time!
Brothabags run a love train on an ottoman. This is extremely, extremely gay, although apparently unintentionally so, and there’s no hott counterbalance. But it’s also hilarious.
Via Attack of the Show, Eagle pwns Goat. It’s apropos of nothing, but I enjoyed it. Nature kicks ass. It’s like videogames. Only real.
College Humor’s Tattoo Fight is amusing if you’re bored.
And, for another excellent week from everyone in the threads and all the lurkers who read the site,…
You’ve earned it. Your Friday Brazilian Twin Volleyball Player Ass Pear.
And if that ain’t enough Ass Pear, booya. It’s like two basketballs fighting over a peanut.
Friday, July 10, 2009Albino Pimp
Normally we mock the overly fake-tanned orange douchescrotes on this site.
In this case? Whitey needs a tan. Out of a can, a tanning bed, something, anything, before his translucence means we can see what he ate for lunch.
And I need to fondle a flag.
