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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Ask DB1: Part-Time Douchery
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Dear DB1
I have been wondering,is there such a thing as a part time douche??
You know the type, by day a respected member of the community with jobs such as cop, fireman, or letter carrier (I have been a letter carrier, am currently a firefighter, and know lots of cops).
But on their time off, they like to douch it up with fauxhawks ,shaved pecs and Ed Hardy shirts, plus a large amount of tats…..Your opinion please…
-The Flying Douch
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There is no try.
There is only scrote or scrote not.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009Timmy Tainthead
I don’t care if you rescue cats from trees during your weekends off, Timmy Tainthead.
I don’t care if you help old ladies cross the street and darn socks for the homeless while growing macrobiotic foods for the starving in Micronesia.
If you are in a club, and in the presence of a suckle thigh like Jennifer here, put on a shirt.
Shirtlessness, when not at the beach or putting out a fire, makes you a suckball of regurgitated taint.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009Colt Solicits Feedback from the Mad “Hatters”
PIC DELETED
Last week’s Skull and Douchebones tattbag, “Colt,” has requested feedback from the “hatters”:
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WOW IM TRULEY SEEIN THIS AND LOVIN THE HATTERS TOO BAD ALL YOU GUYS WOULDNT SAY THIS TO MY FACE 🙁 X MARINES HAVE NO MERCEY ON WEAK SOBS! …. LET ME KNOW IF YA GOT SOMETHIN TO SAY EMAIL ME COLTCURTIS@GMAIL.COM
MYSPACE.COM/LOVELESSFALLS
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True.
Oh wait, sorry. Was reading your knuckles.
While Marines get massive props, as do any and all who serve in the Armed Forces, there is no lifetime nottadouche granted for military service, nor for any other accomplishment. Anyone can end up a huge scrotal blight in presence of the hotts.
And with a posse this douchey (::link disabled::), you could cure cancer while rescuing orphans from a burning orphanage, and I’d still be forced to mock your scrotage, Colt.
But misspelling “hater”? Now that’s just funny.
Not like “ha ha” funny. More like “true” knuckles funny.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009Colt Solicits Feedback from the Mad "Hatters"
PIC DELETED
Last week’s Skull and Douchebones tattbag, “Colt,” has requested feedback from the “hatters”:
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WOW IM TRULEY SEEIN THIS AND LOVIN THE HATTERS TOO BAD ALL YOU GUYS WOULDNT SAY THIS TO MY FACE 🙁 X MARINES HAVE NO MERCEY ON WEAK SOBS! …. LET ME KNOW IF YA GOT SOMETHIN TO SAY EMAIL ME COLTCURTIS@GMAIL.COM
MYSPACE.COM/LOVELESSFALLS
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True.
Oh wait, sorry. Was reading your knuckles.
While Marines get massive props, as do any and all who serve in the Armed Forces, there is no lifetime nottadouche granted for military service, nor for any other accomplishment. Anyone can end up a huge scrotal blight in presence of the hotts.
And with a posse this douchey (::link disabled::), you could cure cancer while rescuing orphans from a burning orphanage, and I’d still be forced to mock your scrotage, Colt.
But misspelling “hater”? Now that’s just funny.
Not like “ha ha” funny. More like “true” knuckles funny.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009Don’t Mess with the Poohan
Because no matter how “gangsta” you try to be, when you’re carrying Rachel Hottowitz’s poodle around the Upper West Side while she shops, you are not “Mossad Gangsta,” no matter how many Affliction shirts and Yankee Tilts you wear.
Sorry Poohan.
The Rabbinical Council has voted. You are the Chosen Scrote.
Douche Minyan, party of one. Time to daven at the Gelling Wall.
Mmmm… Rachel Hottowitz. Catholic girls start much too late. Jewish girls start right on time.
(A bottle of Manishevitz to the first ‘bag hunter who figures out when this toolbag first appeared. I’m too hung over to find it)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009Don't Mess with the Poohan
Because no matter how “gangsta” you try to be, when you’re carrying Rachel Hottowitz’s poodle around the Upper West Side while she shops, you are not “Mossad Gangsta,” no matter how many Affliction shirts and Yankee Tilts you wear.
Sorry Poohan.
The Rabbinical Council has voted. You are the Chosen Scrote.
Douche Minyan, party of one. Time to daven at the Gelling Wall.
Mmmm… Rachel Hottowitz. Catholic girls start much too late. Jewish girls start right on time.
(A bottle of Manishevitz to the first ‘bag hunter who figures out when this toolbag first appeared. I’m too hung over to find it)
Monday, July 6, 2009Breaking: Tiki Douche Brings Hott to Sacrifice
Hoping to impress the angry Island God of Scrotebaggery, Umbata Grease Haira, the Tiki Douche has brought an academic virgin to be sacrificed.
By sacrificed, I mean get fondled on the dance floor to badly remixed techno.
And by academic virgin, I mean she’s never taken an international course. In European History. Or a foreign language.
Because “international course” sounds like “Interc…” oh forget it. Where’s my leftover Thunderbird?
Monday, July 6, 2009Average White ‘Bag
You can faux-up the hair.
You can purchase the overpriced “Goth” shirt at Nordstroms.
You can even tackle a pouty ball of French Hott that has a young Brigitte Bardot mouth that cries out for lickage.
But you’re still just Average White ‘Bag.
Pleasant.
Friendly.
Destined for Middle Management.
Monday, July 6, 2009Average White 'Bag
You can faux-up the hair.
You can purchase the overpriced “Goth” shirt at Nordstroms.
You can even tackle a pouty ball of French Hott that has a young Brigitte Bardot mouth that cries out for lickage.
But you’re still just Average White ‘Bag.
Pleasant.
Friendly.
Destined for Middle Management.
Monday, July 6, 2009The Earglasm
Official Nominee for the “WTF Douche Move” of 2009.
Sunglasses + Ear + Mandana = The Earglasm.
Stoic Brunette contemplates the crisis of modernity as I talcum her lower butt cheeks softly.
